Productivity or No?

I’m writing this blog post to describe a difference in experience.

Earlier today I was the timer for a Scholastic Bowl tournament. Feeling creative, I started writing a story in the margins of the score sheet. I had no intention of saving this story; I merely wanted to pass the time, and I could always make another story.

A few of my distant friends who were also timers or moderators enjoyed the story I wrote over 4 sheets. But there was something fundamentally different about this experience than the other times when I was a timer and didn’t write a story. Even though I was more productive in the short term, and just as unproductive in the long term, I am much more unhappy than I would have been if I hadn’t written that story.

Is it the dissatisfaction of leaving the story behind? I left the story open-ended to ease the transition between rounds, and I already have ideas for where the characters could go next. Would it have been better if I had not created any characters, and not created any story, and therefore would not be distressed about what would happen next, and spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been?

Indeed, I live with many regrets of past projects. Most of them were formed when I was young, and I can assure myself that those projects were immature and silly. But as I grow older, I have better ideas that crowd up my mind. And I have to choose a few to keep, and the rest to let go. If only I had a friend who could tell me which ones were worth saving!