The Further Adventures of Par Farthing

As I promised yesterday, Par Farthing!

6 - Par begins his fantastic journey

Par: Great. Now that I'm no longer in the navy, I've got to walk all the way back home, wearing this orange jumpsuit. Couldn't the police have given me something better to wear? It smells awful. Did someone throw up on this? Boy, I'm hungry. They didn't feed me at the police station. I'll eat at this diner coming up.
(in diner) 'Scuse me, could I have something to eat?
Waiter: (gasp) There's an escapee here!!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

7 - Par's fantastic journey, part 2

Par: Great. They drove me all the way back to the police station, said they were sorry for the mixup, and threw back out without feeding or changing me out of this jumpsuit. What is this stain, anyway? It smells like someone was drooling on it. Oh well, I'll try some other place to eat. I'll try that fast-food restaurant.
(enters restaurant)
Cashier: Ahhhh!!! Robber!
(police lead Par into police car)

8 - Par's fantastic journey, part 3

Par: Great. They drove me back, said they were sorry, and threw me out again without feeding me or finding something else for me to wear. What's this in my pocket? It looks like a dead fly with its head chewed off. Anyways, I won't go someplace as formal as a restaurant. I'll head over to the market and buy food there.
(in market) Excuse me, could I have these oranges?
Marketer: Do you have any money?
Par: Oh, no. I forgot I needed that.
Marketer: Shoplifter!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

9 - Par's fantastic journey, part 4

Par: Okay, let's try this again. First, I'll go the ATM machine and withdraw some money.
ATM: PLEASE INSERT YOUR BANK CARD.
Par: Rats, my bank card was totally stolen by that robber! I'll have to go inside and make a withdrawal.
(in bank) Excuse me, could I make a withdrawal?
Teller: Here, take everything! Just don't hurt us!
Par: Hurt you? I wouldn't
Teller (on phone): Bank robber!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

10 - Par's fantastic journey, part 5

Par: Why do the police keep arresting me, and throwing me out without giving me any money, food, or better clothing? The underside of this jumper is so thin, it's like someone's been rubbing their bottom on it. Seriously, I'm starving right now. I need something to eat right now. Say, (looks at garden) those tomatoes look ripe. I'll just casually walk by and then quickly grab one. (casually walks up, then quickly leans over)
Housewife: Burglar!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

11 - Par's fantastic journey, part 6

Par: I wish they would just keep me in prison, even if I have to wear these clothes. At least I'd get fed. I need something else to wear. Anything to keep people from thinking I'm a robber. Hey, what's that in someone's trash can? It's a blanket! It makes me look like a beggar, but that's better than looking like a robber. This is some strange fabric, though. It's smooth, almost silky. I know I've seen these colors before. What does it remind me of?
(the American flag)
Passerby: He's wearing the flag!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

12 - Par's fantastic journey, part 7

Par: It's hopeless. I'll never get any food or money. I can't do anything except sit here and starve.
Priest: Oh, poor man. No matter what your crime has been in the past, no man deserves such treatment. Here, have some of my bread, and some money to help you.
Par: I-I can't believe it! Someone's finally shown mercy to me! Someone's actually helping me out! Perhaps there's hope after all! Thank you, mister! You've given me something to believe in!
(Par jumps for joy, rips the thin backside of his jumpsuit, exposing his naked bum)
Passerby: Public flasher!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)
Par: They already took my bread away...

Unfairness and Repentance

Yes, I've been taking a long break without posting anything. Yeah, I can do that every once in a while. No, that does not excuse my absence.

So, time to let some weight off my shoulders with some pictures!

First, here's something I noticed on Google Trends: people ask "why" a lot during the school year.

Second, here's a practice drawing I did of a shoe on Wikipedia, because I needed some practice drawing shoes:

Third, here's a cartoon of a dinner scene. That woman on the left, by the way, is checking out the man on the left:

Fourth (and fifth), here are two quick gimps I did. The first is based off an image taken from a website that had gone offline (I'm sure you're familiar with the type). The second is taken from a recent BBC photo.

Sixth (and seventh and eighth and ninth and tenth), here are some strips I got from a Garfield randomizer that I found pretty humorous:

 

And eleventh (see? eleven days? eleven pictures?), I have this creepy GIF of Gandalf from the original LOTR film:

None of the above would have justified their own post, so aren't you lucky to get all eleven in one post? Of course not. Now I can get rid of those pictures and hopefully resume posting.

Quibbling over the chronologically something

When I was at work and doing my usual half-work-half-thinking routine, I came up with a good term for children: "chronologically disadvantaged". Because kids do not have quite as much experience as full-grown adults, they are clearly the most disadvantaged persons in the human aging spectrum.

So imagine how surprised and irked I was to type that phrase into Google and discover people don't use it for children; they use it for the exact opposite, the elderly. Apparently, people think that getting older is a bad thing, one that must be avoided at all costs. (Good luck on that.)

Furthermore, the phrase "chronologically advantaged" is also applied towards the elderly, albeit in a more positive manner. Frantically, I tried searching for "chronologically advantageable", but that returned no entries. Shall I be the first to use it as a synonym for youthful, or is someone going to take that one away from me as well?

Mal and Belle's first night

At this point in the game, I installed an update to the game from version 1.20 to 1.30. A side effect, however, was that all of my Sims' actions were reset. So Mal was no longer reading his romance novel, and Belle was no longer watching TV.

Belle quickly got back to the couch and checking up on the latest developments in crime, while Mal went to prepare a salad.

Mal enjoyed his meal alone. After dinner, he decided to read a book. But at that time, Belle got hungry.

The two of them sit at the table, ignoring each other. Silence filled the air.

After the silence came the screeching sounds of Belle yawning.

So she claimed the only bed in the house: a double bed.

Soon enough, Mal got tired too.

And so, desperate for a good night's sleep, he sucked up his pride and headed to the only spot in the house where he can sleep.

And it was a good sleep. Albeit a 2-hour sleep.

Pet Tamers, Episode 7

All right, all right. Pet Tamers has a lot, like stereotypes, adult jokes, postmodern jokes, ridiculous science, little graphic violence, no foul language, education, egomaniacal enemies, and a bunch of kids who fight crime. But a lot of kids' shows do a lot of things that Pet Tamers doesn't have: two-dimensional moralities, morals, super-cool super-talented kids, an omniscient omnipotent narrating guide, cool gadgets, and bad lines (well, maybe, I don't revise these stories). I think it's safe to say this isn't actually a parody of kids' shows:

PET TAMERS

Episode 7: Blown out of Cover

FADE UP to a PRISON CELL. Inside are TWO PRISONERS, who are actually the TWO GANGSTERS that have made recurring appearances in the past. GANGSTER 2 is pacing while GANGSTER 1 is sitting.

GANGSTER 1: Don't worry, Miles. We'll be out of prison soon enough.

GANGSTER 2 (MILES): I'm worried.

GANGSTER 1: About what? The Mallards have made certain that we have a clean criminal record. There's no tangible evidence of our being gangsters. And our testimony will surely lighten whatever sentence we could possibly have.

MILES: Don't use such long words. I'm worried about what the Mallards will do to us when they find out we ratted them out.

GANGSTER 1: They won't find out.

MILES: They know everything about us. If they don't know now, they'll find out later. They'll know we told the fuzz about the hideout.

GANGSTER 1: There've been plenty of police raids in the past, and plenty of times the Mallards have relocated. They won't think about us.

MILES: They'll know something was up, and they'll suspect us immediately. Why did you even tell the pigs if we were getting out free anyway?

GANGSTER 1: Call it a hunch, but I have this strong feeling that we're too charismatic to be working for them. That we're likable for other things.

MILES: Stop being so confusing and tell me straight what's going on.

GANGSTER 1 (pauses): We'll get out of here, somehow.

(a rapping on the bars)

GUARD: Hey, mugs. Bad news for you. The judge is reconsidering your sentence.

MILES: Reconsidering? What does that mean?

GUARD: It means you might not be released immediately, but that you might have to do hard labor for a few...

MILES: No, what does the word "reconsidering" mean?

GUARD: It means he's thinking it over again, and almost certainly is going to change his mind. Hope you enjoy prison, fellas.

(the GUARD leaves)

MILES: Is that really gonna happen, Russ? What if they bust the Mallard Home, and we're still in prison when that happens? They'll know it was us, and they'll get us as soon as we leave!

GANGSTER 1 (RUSS): Something will happen. I know it will.

AT THE MANSION:

COP CADET: Look at this, chief! Police records! Straight from headquarters! They were in this drawer!

COP 2: How do you explain that, sir?

BIG MAN: There must be some mix-up. Neither I nor anyone I know has been anywhere near the police headquarters.

COP 1: Well, good news then. We'll give you a trip over there right now.

BIG MAN: But, gentlemen, how are we going to get there if we don't have a ride? (reaches into pocket)

Outside the mansion, the police cars explode in a big fireball.

COP 2: What in the--?

The ceiling drops open, and tens of armed gangsters leap out and aim their guns at the police officers.

BIG MAN: Perhaps we should wait around here for a while.

Outside the mansion, along the wall, the five kids turn their heads.

MAGGIE: What was that?

PETE: Was that an explosion?

CHRIS: Under different circumstances, that would be awesome.

JASON: We have to find a way inside the building. Something is happening in here.

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. How are we going to get in, anyway? Will we find an open window in the basement and stumble into a secret base filled with a dozen robbers?

PETE: Or we could go in the screen door over there.

JASON (considering): I like your thinking, Pete, but I think going in through the basement would be safer.

CHRIS: Actually, I'm going with Pete. We'll probably get captured if we go in through the basement.

JASON: There are probably a lot of men guarding the screen doors.

CHRIS: Who cares? The police are already in there. We'll just knock on the door, say we thought someone was in trouble over here, and how glad we are that they're taking care of the criminals instead of us, and then we'll be gone.

JASON: The basement is a safer route.

MAGGIE: I think I'll go with Chris. Just because.

SHANA: Then I'll go with Jason.

CHRIS (whispering): No! Us!

SHANA: Well, maybe I'll go with Chris.

JASON: Fine. Very well. You four go through the back door, and I'll go in through this basement window.

CHRIS: So long.

(Pause as no one moves. Finally, Jason opens the window, and squeezes in feet-first. He looks up at Chris, who is still standing and watching Jason.)

JASON: I'm going.

CHRIS: Yeah. We'll see you later.

(Jason disappears from sight. Chris continues to stand.)

MAGGIE: Are we going inside?

CHRIS: You go inside with Pete and Shana. I think I'll just head home.

MAGGIE: You can't leave! We've still got a--

CHRIS: Look, this is none of our business. Jason can handle himself. Like he did a few weeks ago at Green Peaceful whatever. He doesn't need us. I'm heading home. You guys can join him if you want. I don't really want to get involved.

MAGGIE: But... come on, Chris! Don't run away on us! Something could be happening in there!

CHRIS: Whatever it is, Jason can solve it. See you at school tomorrow.

CHRIS walks off. MAGGIE and PETE stand awkwardly. SHANA looks towards the door.

SHANA: Well, let's go. We promised Jason.

MAGGIE: Fine. Let's go.

MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA head towards the door.

INSIDE THE MANSION, the COPS have been tied up, with the GANGSTERS still at gunpoint with them. The BIG MAN paces around them.

COP 1: You're all under arrest.

BIG MAN: I think it's a little late for decidin' who's under arrest, chief.

COP 1: The big boys will be here soon. They'll clear you all out.

BIG MAN: Not today, they won't. (heads towards the back door) I'll be goin' on a little trip somewheres. (the GANGSTERS move back with him) And taking a few of my men as well. You can keep the police records. We're heading someplace where we won't need records, profiles, or backgrounds. Where the big money lies...

(opens door, MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA, who were apparently watching from the outside and crowding around the door right in front of the gangsters, all fall inside)

BIG MAN: Hello, what have we here?

MAGGIE: Um, we're here to stop you?

BIG MAN: Grab them, men.

(three random GANGSTERS grab the kids)

SHANA: This is bad. (immediately gagged)

BIG MAN: Looks like we'll be entertainin' a few guests at our new home. Let's go, men. Let's give them their money's worth.

COPS: You let them go!

BIG MAN: If you let us go, we let them go. Maybe. Come on, men, we've wasted enough time here.

(the BIG MAN leaves with his men, shuts the door)

BIG MAN: Now, there's somethin' I forgot... Ah, of course.

(He pushes a button beside the door. Inside, the room bursts into flames.)

COPS: Help! Help! Someone save us!

JASON kicks open the door as heroic music plays.

COPS: Thank goodness! Save us, young man.

With daring speed and brio, Jason frees the cops from the fiery inferno and leads them outside.

OUTSIDE, a line of police cars and fire trucks surround the gate to the burning mansion. Firefighters rush to extinguish the flames, but the mansion is beyond salvage.

COP: Who knows how many good men, including me, could have died if you had not come to our rescue? How can we thank you?

JASON: You don't need to thank me. I'm just a normal, everyday citizen doing what he believes is right.

COP (staring at the audience): If only there were more good citizens like you around to help us out.

JASON (staring at the audience): Don't worry. I'm sure there are kids everywhere who will be willing to put themselves at risk in order to help their community.

COP: Goodbye, young man. The whole city is smiling at you.

CHRIS: Okay, this is just sick.

CHRIS walks in with a disgusted look.

JASON: Chris! You've come back to help!

CHRIS: You can go on crazy missions, but I can't let you delivering smarmy speeches for no reason. I mean, are you out of your mind? You can't go telling kids to run into burning buildings!

JASON: Chris! Maggie, Pete, and Shana are in terrible danger! They've been kidnapped by the owner of the mansion.

COP: We don't know where he's taken them. He said it would be someplace where he couldn't get us.

JASON: We have to save them! Now!

CHRIS: Okay, okay, stop shouting. I'll think about it.

JASON: No, Chris, now!

CHRIS: Let's leave it for another episode.

JASON: ... How did you...

CUT TO THE PRISON CELL.

RUSS: Yep, someone will free us. I can feel it.

MILES: No. It's too late. I know it is.

RUSS: Something will happen. I know it will.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Frickin' Unbelievable

All it took was one command -- "Color to Alpha" -- and all of a sudden, my artwork got a heck of a lot more awesome:

Clearly, the most awesome piece of artwork I have ever managed to mangle onto the Internet. And it was so easy. This could be a major turning point...

Calling out the blogger

Let me just say, right now, that it has been exciting ever since Tuesday to have something new to post. But I want to come out right now and say not to be expecting daily posts. This was a rare, unprecedented feat that was amazing for me, but I must step down and say will not happen again.

Which is not to say it won't happen again. I just want to reprimand myself, right here and now, in front of everyone, so that if I wind up not making this blog a daily routine, then I won't feel bad about disappointing anyone (this is the same delusion as the one where I have an audience of "everyone"). If I do wind up having a daily schedule, then no harm done.

Now, someone out there remind me why the heck I'm blogging this instead of just taping it to my dresser to look at every morning?

The Adventures of Par Farthing

This story is an affectionate tribute to Gag Manga Biyori, but less Japanocentric.

1 - Par's fateful decision

Recruiter: 'Scuse me, young man, would you be interested in joining the army?
Par: The army? What's there to do in the army?
Rec.: There are plenty of exciting skirmishes in the Pacific East that require good-looking, bold, charismatic men who will blindly follow orders.
Par: Sounds great. Where do I sign?
Rec.: You don't. (handcuff slap on Par) Off you go. (throw onto bus)
Par: Should I tell my parents?
Rec.: We'll let them know for you, whoever you were. (passerby) 'Scuse me, young man, interested in the army?

2 - Par begins a mission

Drill Sergeant: Now, private, you'd better do what I say, or I'll skin you alive and feed you to the bears!
Par: Is that legal?
DS: Don't smart-talk me, private! Get down there and give me 10!
Par: Okay, (scoop 10 rocks) here.
DS: Smart-asses like you need to be punished! Now take this load of iron pots to the outpost on that mountain, or you're heading to the Inebriated Closet!
Par: That doesn't sound too scary, but I'll do it anyway.

3 - Par encounters danger

Par: I can't help feeling I got tricked into joining the army. This is nowhere near the Pacific East, and I'm not meeting any charismatic girls who follow orders. What's this? (footprints) Someone else has been on this trail. Is it an enemy? I'll have to check. Hey. (cougar is caught in trap) Poor cat's got his leg caught. I'll free you. (opens trap) There. Go and live free amongst nature.
Cougar: (roar)
Par: Hey! Stop chasing me! I saved you! I'm sorry if I hurt you trying to free you, but (trips over root) Ahh! (rolls down slope) Ow! Ahh! Agh! Help! Someone! Help! (rolls off cliff) Wahhhhhhhh

4 - Par receives a second chance

Reporter: Three days after Par went on that hike, the army finally found him, and the drill sergeant who had sent him on that mission has been sacked. He is currently staying at the Army Medical Hospital, where the army is granting him a full military pardon.
(in hospital, uniformed man in front of Par): Sorry.
Rep.: Tell us, Par, will you continue your service in the army?
Par: If it means going to the Pacific East, then yes. It's been my dream to see the world.
Recruiter: You say you want to see the world? Would you be interested in joining the navy? You'll journey to the Far Pacific, sailing the seas and blindly following orders.
Par: Great. I'll join as soon as I leave the hospital.
Rec.: No need to wait. We'll sign you on as a disabled member. (handcuff slap on Par) Have fun. (throw on bus)
Par: It'd have only taken a week!

5 - Par makes a bold escape

Par: So this is what disabled soldiers do, fill paperwork. I'm not even on a boat, I'm just stamping forms.
Officer: Private, what is this? You're stamping outside the lines! Do them all over.
Par: But at least half of them are stamped right!
(night)
Par: I think I got tricked again. This isn't adventure, or being charismatic. At least I'm in the city, where there are no cougars. I'll have a drink. (in bar) Excuse me, bartender, could I have a drink?
Bartender: Oh, you're in the navy, aren't you? We can't serve members in here. We'd get sued if we did.
Par: Drat, (leaving) can't even get a drink.
Robber: Haha! (leaping, knife held to Par's throat) Scream, and you die. Now, take off your clothes.
Par: My what?
Robber: Do it or you die!
(some minutes later)
Robber: (dressed in Par's clothes) Ha! Now I'm a member of the navy! Now I can get off these damned streets, sail the seas, and blindly follow orders! See yah!
Par: (stark naked) Hey, give me back my clothes!
(morning)
(Par asleep, nearby policeman): Damn drunks.

Text Comic

This week, I've been working at the secretary's office at the county fairgrounds, as I have been for the past 4 or 5 summers. Yet despite the fact that I might have more job potential than data entry, I love working there. I get such a euphoria from hammering away at the keys, typing stuff into the computer. Could be something to do with my autism.

There are many perks. The building is air-conditioned, I'm on good terms with my boss, there's plenty of free time but plenty of work to even it out, and I work with two good-looking girls my age. Not that I care for those girls at all, mind you, but it's good to have similarly aged coworkers.

Anyways, I was bored one day, and I started playing with Word. And I eventually wound up with this piece, a text-based comic made with Courier New and Webdings:

I tried uploading it as text, but it wouldn't work. Web browsers and blogs handle text in a very "special" manner. The Courier print doesn't line up perfectly, and the Webdings are tricky to fit in. If I was patient enough, and I fiddled with the HTML code long enough (and knew more HTML coding), I could probably get it to work. But until Blogger decides to host Word documents, sorry.

Tag Explanation

Now, tags are an untried blogging tool, one that I am prone to neglecting. So, to aid the reader and to remind myself, here are an explanation of the blogs' tags (as of writing), in alphabetical order:

• drivel: An essentially pointless post that I decided to post anyway, more on a whim than a logical decision.
• humor: An attempt at humor. Whether it actually is humorous is debatable.
• interactive fiction: Posts that relate to interactive fiction (which I dabble in occasionally). Don't hold your breath for new posts.
• internet: Posts that relate to the Internet in general.
• news: Sometimes I take news topics and react to them. These are those.
• pet tamers: My ongoing-and-offgoing parody of a kids' show.
• rant: Me whining about stuff I don't like.
• review: A post that gives my opinion on something, and pros and cons. Does not usually intersect with "rant", because a rant is typically an unfair treatment, and a review is.
• script: A story that is in script format. They don't actually follow the proper rules for writing scripts, and there's only one story that currently follows the format, but the format stands out strong enough to get its own tag.
• sims 3: A post about Sims 3. Currently used for my Mal and Belle series.
• story: A post that tells a story. Duh.
• tag explanation: This post. If I add in enough additional posts, I might throw in another tag explanation.
• thoughts: Philosophy, musings, questions, all the stuff every unfunny blog has. This usually contains all the stuff I could never work into anything else, and usually has a "drivel" tag.

Please, feel free to click on them on the right-hand side of the blog and explore this blog as you wish.

The Ten Commandments of the Forum

I'm not much of a fan of forums. They irritate me beyond end. To illustrate my grudges against them, here are, in my opinion, the "ten commandments" that every forum inevitably worships:

1. You are the User, a God. Thou shalt have no other Users beside you.

• Monopolize your posts. Bulk up on posts, even if most of them are your own. Every time your threads get more then 4 hours old, add another post. You want to keep people responding to your posts and only your posts, so don't let any other wannabe users try and take over.

2. Thou shalt make for everyone graven images, whether in the likeness of a human face, or of symbolic references; thou shalt bow down and worship them.

• Put smiling emoticons, frowning emoticons, laughing emoticons, emoticons rolling in empty space, and images of beer and hearts everywhere. A good emoticon, and even a bad emoticon, can liven up any post.

3. Thou shalt make no rightful use of previous topics.

• No recycling a previous topic that was done some weeks ago, or even a few months ago. This is more than no necroposting; creating a new thread about the same subject is a no-no.

4. Forget the thread's topic and keep it holey.

• Actually, forget the whole "content" thing. Just make a joke that's barely relevant to the topic, or argue with the posts above. Do as much as you can to steer the "conversation" from the topic; leave the critical discussion for the nerds.

5. Honor thy followers only.

• Praise those who follow your twisted logic, and argue against everyone who says otherwise. Insult everyone else who tries to rebuff you with side logic; say that you were just making a point, and no one has any right to argue with you. Everyone will believe you and your comrades eventually.

6. Thou shalt murder the English language.

• talk in lower letters with wierd spelings thru out yur pst also abbr yur lang to mak it cnfsng 2 NE1 l's on teh frm lawl

7. Thou shalt commit to adult language.

• Fuck this piece of shit. Swear your ass off all over your fucking posts. Show those motherfuckers above you who can fuck the hell out of this fucking shitty excuse for a thread.

8. Thou shalt steal other people's comments.

• Say something that was already said. Say something that everyone else was already thinking. It can be brief, or you can expand it to some arbitrary length. It can be something that supposedly contributes to the forum but actually doesn't, or something that does contribute to the forum but in some obfuscatory way. Just say something that has already been said.

9. Thou shalt bear false attitudes towards the newcomers.

• Be nice to the person, but not to their posts. Be ruthless. Rip their arguments to shreds. Respond to their pleas with a "I don't mean you, you're okay, it's just your post I have trouble with". Ignore (or ridicule) the idea that perhaps some people are putting effort into their posts.

10. Thou shalt not covet your neighbors' threads.

• BORING!!!!! We've already seen this before. <groans in irritation> If I whinge about this thread long enough, maybe people will agree with me and chime in. When can we talk about something INTERESTING?

(Then again, maybe I'm empathizing with the wrong users...)

Pet Tamers, Episode 6

I really hate to promise a continuation to something, only to draw out the anticipation week after week until everyone is certain it won't be back. But, big surprise: according to my webmaster tools, Pet tamers currently gets me the sixth slot in Google Search. So, returning once again, it's another episode of...

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 6: A Special Educational Episode

FADE UP to JASON and CHRIS standing in front of a blue background.

CHRIS: Hey, where are we?

JASON (to audience): Today's episode is brought to you by the letter "R". (A giant "R" appears)

CHRIS: What the heck does that mean?

JASON: Be on the lookout for things that start with "R" or can be described with "R" words.

CHRIS: Is this some sort of tripped-up "I Spy" game?

JASON: For example, (points to CHRIS) "rude" ("RUDE" appears onscreen) starts with "R".

CHRIS: Hey, is that a threat?

JASON: RETORT (appears onscreen) starts with "R".

CHRIS: Oh, I get it. Well, maybe I'll just stop talking.

JASON: And RELIEF (appears onscreen) starts with "R". And now, for the REST (appears onscreen, as do all subsequent words with a highlighted R) of our show.

CUT to someone's house. I still have no idea whose house it really is. Seriously, can someone from the art department tell me whose house it is?

JASON: How are we all doing on our homework? Anyone having any trouble.

PETE: No, none at all.

CHRIS: Why are we doing homework? I thought we were going to Green Peaceful Industries.

JASON: We were? What for?

CHRIS: Just last episode, we were talking with that crazy scientist, and he told us to contact that one woman who works there.

JASON: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about.

MAGGIE: We've been spending all afternoon REVIEWING our homework.

CHRIS: And you, Maggie, why are you so calm? Weren't you in a big fuss last time?

PETE: I think you're the one getting into a fuss, Chris.

CHRIS: But I don't understand!

SHANA: I had a lot of trouble with my homework. The teacher gave me a lot of RED marks.

JASON: Why is that, Shana? Is there a REASON?

SHANA: I can't READ English very well. I'm having trouble with spelling and sentences.

JASON: Let's see if we can REVISE it. Which means, make it better.

CHRIS: Why are you two talking like that?

PETE: Just ROLL with it, Chris.

JASON: Ah, what a delightful bit of contemporary slang.

PETE: Or ignore it.

JASON: "Roll with it" means "let's accept it, and have fun with it!"

CHRIS: I always took it to mean "forgot what the hel-(a bowling ball on a previously unseen shelf suddenly dips towards the edge)-thcare(bowling ball peacefully returns to position) just happened".

JASON: But remember, using slang leads to illiteracy and poverty, so don't use it, ever.

CHRIS: But you just told us what it meant!

SHANA: See, some of my words are spelled incorrectly, but I don't know why.

JASON: Let's see... oh, here's a problem! You wrote "Written" as "Ritten". "Written" sounds like it begins with an R, but it doesn't! In fact, it starts with a "W"!

CHRIS: Everyone knows that.

JASON: A very common mistake.

CHRIS: No, it's not.

JASON: And "Wrote" also starts with a "W", as does "Wrong" and "Wrap", even though they all start with an "R" sound. Can you think of any other "W" words that sound like an "R"?

CHRIS: How about "Wreally boring"? How about "wlet me go home before I lose my wmind"?

JASON: Say, guys, do you hear those sirens?

CHRIS: What sirens?

(sirens blare in the distance)

JASON: Those sirens in the distance. I think it's a police car.

CHRIS: That's Ridiculously good hearing.

JASON: Come on, let's Run and see if we can spot where they're headed.

Everyone follows Jason outside. As they reach the sidewalk, the police car conveniently passes by them.

JASON: Follow them!

CHRIS: With what? None of us brought our cars along... come to think of it, how did we get here in the first place?

JASON: We won't make it in time if we go on foot. We'll have to use...

(JASON pulls out his dog from nowhere, and blows his whistle. Dog turns into giant wolf)

JASON: Let's go, Tiberius!

CHRIS: Tiberius... I thought he had a different name.

JASON: Nope, his name is Tiberius, and always has been. Pete, could you...

PETE: Yeah, yeah... (pulls out his hamster and his whistle. Hamster becomes bear)

JASON: Everyone, get on, and let's go.

CHRIS: So we're Riding our pets? I think you're just trying to show them off as much as possible.

JASON: Nonsense. Tiberius, Baldwin, let's go!

(TIBERIUS, carrying JASON and MAGGIE, and BALDWIN, carrying CHRIS, SHANA, and PETE, take off after the police car.)

CUT to a rich, UPPER-CLASS HOUSE. About a dozen police cars are parked outside.

INSIDE THE HOUSE, policemen flutter about. Two cops are talking to a familiar-sounding man in the DINING ROOM.

BIG MAN: No idea what you're talking about. This house's as safe as a church deacon's underpants.

COP 1: We got a tip, saying that this house is the site of a major crime gang. One that is partly Responsible for the destruction of Swaggert Tower.

BIG MAN: Are you guys kiddin' me? I'm just an ordinary businessman, livin' in this ordinary house. You think I'm the leader of a gang of criminals, out to destroy my fellow business partners?

COP 2: Just that a bunch of gangsters use this place as their hideout.

BIG MAN: Yeah, that's just what I said.

COP 1: Well, we'll give the place a quick search in the meantime, and let you know when we're through.

BIG MAN: Just don't touch anything. My stuff is Rare and valuable.

COP 1: Don't worry, sir. We don't think a Rich, successful man like you would shelter any Ruffians.

(The cops go back to their search. When no one is looking, the BIG MAN gives a knowing smile to no one in particular.)

CUT to the HOUSE'S EXTERIOR. The police lights are blaring, but no one seems to be watching the cars. TIBERIUS and BALDWIN run up to the gate entrance.

JASON: All Right.

CHRIS: I don't think a simple word like "Right" deserves to be highlighted.

MAGGIE: ... What?

JASON: Tiberius, Baldwin, transform back.

(on command, Tiberius and Baldwin turn back to normal, with an accompanying whooshing sound)

CHRIS: So, do we just Run in, and... dang it, hurry in and see what the fuss is all about?

JASON: No. We'll sneak around the building and find a Rear entrance.

CHRIS: This whole "R" thing is starting to annoy me.

MAGGIE: What R thing?

JASON: Come on, Chris, Maggie. You other two.

PETE: Should we be doing this?

JASON: What?

PETE: Going in to a place filled with cops? What if they see us?

JASON: We'll just sneak very carefully.

CHRIS: Like that will help.

JASON: Come on, guys. Let's not waste any time. There could be a Rabble of Reckless Robbers Rampaging Round their Reading Room.

CHRIS: I knew you were going to do that eventually.

JASON (slipping over the fence): Now, guys.

(MAGGIE, CHRIS, and SHANA follow JASON. PETE hesitates, but follows them.)

INSIDE THE MANSION, in a PRIVATE LIBRARY.

(Two cops are casually glancing across the shelves of books.)

COP: That book's sticking out Rather funny.

OTHER COP: Come on, let's check out the master bedroom.

COP: Wait, I have a feeling about this book...

(COP attempts to pull out the book, but instead jiggles a switch and causes a trapdoor to appear.)

IN THE DINING ROOM. COPS 1 and 2 have rejoined the BIG MAN.

COP (from other room): Hey, we found something!

COP 1 (turns to BIG MAN): So, not hiding anything, heh?

(BIG MAN says nothing. As both COPS run off, BIG MAN gives a knowing smirk.)

[Sorry it has to end in a cliff-hanger. Like last time. And the continuity was thrown out for the time being. I've made it back from the brink once, just count on it happening again.]

Mal and Belle finish their afternoon together

As soon as a young adult Sim moves in, they almost immediately get a wish to join a career. Mal, of course, has a lifetime wish to be the Emperor of Evil, so no guesses what his career will be. Belle, oddly, wants to be a politician. I guess she wants all the politicians to fighting each other.

So while the football game keeps playing, Belle expresses some uncertainty about the job.

Mal insists that all that happens is you make a bunch of speeches...

...and meet a bunch of diplomats from foreign and potentially unfriendly states. Hey, that's pretty good. Maybe something evil can come from all this. Mal's got something to think about.

But then Belle starts smiling, and the mood is ruined. Mal is getting annoyed by how much he's helping her.

Mal tries to ruin her positive attitude with a discussion on crime. Dangerous, you know. Criminals are everywhere. Being a politician is dangerous work...

Belle appreciates the warning, and is even happier.

Finally, Mal gets up. And he's got a good excuse, too.

After the bathroom break, Mal decides to do something besides watching TV and talking with Belle, so he heads over to the bookshop. Too bad the shelf is stocked with cheesy romance novels.

So with all the dignity he can muster, he reads back to that comfortable sofa to read.

He glares at Belle, daring her to say one word about his cheesy novel. But she's more engrossed in the news, probably keeping her eye out for important current events.

We Have a Little Addendum to Our Sermon

I've been feeling pretty bad about not including a real-life example in my post on Internet evangelism, but I just stumbled across one right now. Taken from here:

In the absence of an external standard, everyone's opinion of right and wrong is equal. So society must be permissive and tolerant. Because humanists believe they are just an advanced form of animal with no "afterlife" to consider, the meaning of life is to maximize pleasure.

But let's look at this with a very humanistic question: Are selfish people ultimately happy? Leo Tolstoy, one of history's most celebrated novelists, tried to find the meaning of life in sex, in gambling, in lavish living. He tried to find it in family, fathering 13 children. Ultimately, he found it in Christianity, saying, "Beware of everything which puts an obstacle between you and God." King Solomon, the wisest man in the Bible, lamented after years of experimentation: "I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind" (Ecclesiastes 1:13-14).

If the humanism meaning of life is ultimately bankrupt, it might make sense for us to trade humanism for theism - belief in God.

In return, we get a time-tested handbook for living - The Holy Bible. We begin to live in a world where good and evil are known quantities - not millions of competing opinions. And if we accept God, He will begin to work through us not to glorify our mediocre lives but to blah blah blah etc.

To a noteworthy Sims 3 story

Last Monday, Robin Burkinshaw announced that Alice and Kev was getting to be too much of a hassle, that it was slowing him down from getting any other projects done, and that the pressure of having hundreds of fans was getting to him.

The sad part is, I've seen this cycle happen before. I've even gone through it myself. Someone announces that they're just going to take a quick break to refresh themselves, that they're sure to return sometime soon, and that's the last you hear of them. They just never become comfortable with returning to their project. The memory of guilt lingers on.

Fortunately, fame and infamy haven't shamed me yet, so let's have another update on Mal and Bella.

We left Bella standing on the porch, talking with someone. Mal apparently noticed and decided to chat with the scientist about fame.

Mal, however, seems bored by this scientist's enthusiasm for insects.

So while he contemplates rocket ships, the scientist and the unawesome man share a sudden moment of intimacy.

No sooner does he walk inside, however, that he comes face to face with Bella.

She asks what he thinks of their new house.

Perhaps they could decorate this place with gems and jewels.

Mal has bigger plans, though.

Bella is naturally repulsed by this idea.

Mal thinks he's found the perfect subject to irradiate right now.

Mal sits down to watch some football. I imagine Belle's just joining him so she has something to do.

Mal comments that this is indeed a nice house.

Belle is so happy that he agrees with her. Mal's stomach sinks.

Belle looks dreamily into space, while Mal curses himself for saying something nice.