Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban

From this old forum post comes a parody of Oh Tannebaum. No one gave it enough love, so I’ll put it here, with some changes to the verses to fit the meter:

Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
How stupid are your leaders
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
For hiding evil deeders
The choice you made was asinine
Upon your soil, our troops will shine
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
The day has come for reckoning

Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
Your final days are coming near.
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
You took away what we held dear.
Our troops won't rest before they're done,
When justice for our dead is won
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
The day has come for reckoning

Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
Remember what our leader's said
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
We won't rest till Bin Laden's dead
You pick your fights and so do we
We'll fight to keep our country free.
Oh Taliban, Oh Taliban
The days has come for reckoning

Can you tell that this was written in early 2001?

Pet Tamers, Episode 12

Yeah, I usually average two in a month, so sorry about not putting any up in November. Here’s our long-expected installment:

PET TAMERS

Episode 12: Hot Fudge Syrup

EXT. OUTHOUSE. JASON, CHRIS, CHELSEA, MILES, and RUSS stand outside. CHEE sits on the car hood. The thunder and rain gently rap against the car.

CHELSEA: Where’s “here”? Where are they?

JASON: They’re in that building right there.

CHELSEA: In the bathroom?

JASON: Watch.

Jason walks up to the outhouse.

RUSS (whispers): You want to ditch these kids right now?

MILES (back): Not yet. Let’s wait until they go inside.

Jason opens the outhouse door. Nothing is inside, not even a toilet; all there is is an empty floor.

CHRIS: Well, that was a waste of time. Do you want to head back?

JASON: No. They have to be here. Chee can’t be wrong.

CHRIS: We only have your word for that. And that dead old guy.

JASON: Perhaps… It’s underneath us. Chris, get Ticonderoga.

CHRIS: What?

JASON: My dog. Get him.

CHRIS: You mean Tiberius?

JASON: No, his name is Ticonderoga. Get him out here now.

Chris gets Tiberius Ticonderoga and leads him out of the car. Chelsea, Miles and Russ look on credulously.

CHELSEA: What are you doing?

CHRIS: Stand back.

JASON pulls out his whistle and blows it.

Cue the rock music, the spinning, and the transformation of the dog into a wolf.

CHELSEA (backing up): Whoa… disturbing.

MILES: What the—what was—how did—?

RUSS: That was incredible! (whispering) Almost like the dinosaur…

JASON: Go sniff out that outhouse, Ticonderoga!

Ticonderoga traipses over to the building, sniffs it, and growls.

JASON: What is it, boy? You smell something?

CHRIS (to CHELSEA): Yes, this is how it always is. (to MILES and RUSS) What are you two doing?

MILES: Nothing!

RUSS (whispering): No miniature dinosaurs. But these guys are still suspicious…

JASON: Something’s not right with the outhouse, is it?

Ticonderoga paws at the floor. A chink of the floorboard falls away.

JASON: That’s it… I see! It’s hollow underneath! Dig, Ticonderoga, dig!

Ticonderoga bashes at the floorboards with his paws, and the boards begin to come loose.

INT. THE DINING ROOM. MS. VAN DELL is still talking, while almost everyone else waits impatiently with boredom. BENKLEY, however, listens with fascination. MS. VAN DELL is now showing off a map of various air bases.

MS. VAN DELL: …provided we have enough funds, of course. Now, these red dots, those are the locations of our sympathizers; and they would have the…

RUBINO: Ahem!

RUBINO has lost most of his patience by this point. He glares at Ms. Van Dell.

RUBINO: Thank you for the information, ma’am, but I was under the impression you had some items to show us.

MS. VAN DELL: Well, sir, as I explained earlier, we know the locations of these items, and all we need to retrieve them is a group of volunteers, such as the men around this table, to provide funds and…

RUBINO: If you do not have something to share with us, then sit down and let’s move on.

MS. VAN DELL: Just use security clearance IH-309…

RUBINO: Sit, or my partner here will make you sit.

MAURICE stands at attention, exposing his rifle.

MS. VAN DELL: I see.

She withdraws her holographic gun and sits.

RUBINO: Thank you. Now then, Dylan Quint, I hope you’ve got something worth saying.

DYLAN: Yes, I do!

DYLAN pounds his fists on the table, causing the wine glasses to splash.

DYLAN: We have assassins who are after us! We don’t have time for scavenger hunts! I say we fight them now! Find them, or get out your weapons and shoot them when they find you!

Dylan springs upon his revolver and draws it out, causing the dinner party to recoil instinctively.

DYLAN: We’re up against animals! We’ve fought worse enemies before! We’ve bested the law, the government, and business rivals! Why should we be afraid of these dumb brutes? I say, we fight now, before…

Dylan is interrupted by a noise from the corridor outside the dining room.

DYLAN: It’s too late! They’re already here! Get out your guns, men! We’ll end this today!

RUBINO: Mr. Quint, calm down! Maurice, go investigate.

DYLAN: Did anyone else remember to pack a gun? Or am I going to take them down myself?

Maurice strides to the door while everyone else sits quietly.

MS. VAN DELL: Paris.

PARIS steps forth with a suitcase. She puts it on the table and opens it. The briefcase is filled with handguns.

Dylan grabs a fistful of guns and tosses them across the room.

DYLAN: Let’s go, men! For valor!

Dylan charges out the door, screaming wildly. Most of the other members follow him. The only ones who stay are the CEO, Benkley, Ms. Van Dell, Paris, EDWARD CASA, and Rubino.

CEO: I don’t do gunfights. It ain’t proper business.

Edward walks to the corner and pushes a brick. A section of the wall slides open.

EDWARD: Let’s see what’s up.

RUBINO: Impressive. How many secret passages did you install?

EDWARD: Plenty.

Edward and Rubino exit through the passage. The CEO follows on their heels, and Benkley follows him.

MS. VAN DELL: Come on, Paris.

Paris closes the briefcase and follows Ms. Van Dell after them.

INT. one corridor in a maze of corridors. CHRIS is confronting JASON over a fallen suit of armor that TICONDEROGA is sniffing. CHELSEA stands nearby, holding BALDWIN, CHEE, LUCY, and CHRIS’S LIZARD.

CHRIS: Can’t you keep quiet for just one minute?

JASON: He couldn’t help it.

CHRIS: There goes our element of surprise.

CHELSEA: What do we do if someone finds us?

JASON: Let’s split up. Chelsea, you’d better come with me. You two – where did those two men go?

CHRIS: They ditched us!

MAURICE (from a corner in the hallway): Hey! You!

JASON: Change of plan! Ticonderoga, get him!

Ticonderoga charges forward. MAURICE draws his rifle and shoots wildly at him.

CHELSEA (running down a hallway): Oh G(bang!), I’m gonna die!

CHRIS (hiding behind a suit of armor): Chelsea, come back! Dang! Jason, do something!

Ticonderoga faces off against Maurice, but Maurice swipes his rifle at him every time he draws near.

JASON: Come on, Ticonderoga!

DYLAN (distant): There they are! I see them! Let’s go! (guns go off in the distance)

JASON: It’s no use! Run!

Jason and Ticonderoga run away from Maurice down the opposite hallway. Maurice chases after him.

CHRIS: Wait! What do I—?

He cuts short as Dylan and several other gun-shooting mobsters rampage down the hallway, and discreetly hides behind the armor holding his breath.

CUT TO a camera view of Chris hiding behind the armor.

EDWARD: So, we have some schoolchildren vandalizing our property? I’ll have to install an electric fence.

INT. the surveillance room. RUBINO, BENKLEY, and MS. VAN DELL watch over EDWARD, who is seated and watching the cameras. PARIS and the CEO stand against the wall, uninterested in the action.

RUBINO: That boy with the wolf… where’s he going?

EDWARD: Headed down the east wing, nearing the armory.

BENKLEY: Why is the wolf following him?

RUBINO: Who cares? (pulls out a mike hidden in his shirt collar) Maurice, restrain the wolf, then capture the boy and put him with the others.

EDWARD: Speaking of which…

Edward points to a camera of Chelsea running down a hallway.

INT. the hallway in real-life. Chelsea furtively looks behind her to the distant sounds of gunshots and people screaming. She opens a rather conspicuously placed door and enters.

INT. a staircase. Chelsea closes the door behind her, sighing in relief. Lucy squirms out of Chelsea’s arms and descends the staircase.

CHELSEA: Hey! Come back here!

MAGGIE (from afar): Chelsea! Is that you?

INT. the dungeon. Lucy enters and runs toward Maggie.

CHELSEA: Maggie? What—Why—people are shooting each other!

MAGGIE: Yeah, we heard.

CHELSEA (noticing the chains): You need any help there?

MAGGIE: Oh no, we were just about to escape on our own.

PETE: Do you have Baldwin?

CHELSEA: Oh, uh… which one is him?

PETE: The hamster. I have the whistle in my pocket.

CHELSEA: Whistle?

MAGGIE: Yeah, uh, you know what I was telling you, about the group I told you I joined?

CHELSEA: No, not really. I just heard you got kidnapped.

MAGGIE: Well, you see…

The distant cellar door opens and echoes. Footsteps approach.

MAGGIE: Quick! The whistle on my neck! Get it, Chelsea!

VOICE: Who’s down here?

Chelsea drops the pets and rushes to Maggie. She picks up the whistle and starts to take it off.

MAGGIE: No! In here! (opening her mouth)

The footsteps reach the door. A random bad-guy stands, looking hostilely at Chelsea.

BAD-GUY: You! You’re not going anywhere, you!

Chelsea pushes the whistle into Maggie’s mouth, whereupon she blows furiously upon the whistle.

Lucy takes on an equally hostile look, fixing her eyes on the bad-guy. She races to him, growing larger with every step to a panther.

BAD-GUY: Whoa! Wahhh!!!

The bad-guy turns his heel and flees upstairs, Lucy chasing after him.

CHELSEA: That was even more disturbing.

MAGGIE: Any time you want to free us. No pressure.

CHELSEA: Well, what do I do?

PETE: The whistle in my pocket.

CHELSEA: Which pocket?

PETE: The right one.

Chelsea steps up to Pete, and stops.

CHELSEA (wrinkling her nose): You stink.

MAGGIE: Chelsea!

CHELSEA: When was the last time you showered?

MAGGIE: We don’t have time for this, Chelsea! Just do it!

CHELSEA: Yuck! I don’t want to touch him!

MAGGIE: For Pete’s sake! And mine!

Chelsea reaches out and puts her hand into the pocket. She pulls out a whistle with her fingers and throws it at Pete.

MAGGIE: Put it in his mouth!

CHELSEA: No! This is disgusting!

MAGGIE: Fine! Put it in my mouth!

CHELSEA: I’m sorry, this is too disgusting for me!

MAGGGIE: Chelsea, we’re chained up in a dungeon! Could you at least act like this is a serious situation?

CHELSEA: I’m sorry, this is just… I can’t handle this! I was just getting shot at a few minutes!

SHANA: Pete, kick it over.

PETE: What?

Shana is slipping off her shoes and socks, exposing her feet. She holds her foot out, her toes wriggling.

SHANA: Come on, I’ll catch it.

Pete, incredulous, slides the whistle off his shirt and onto the ground, and then kicks it over to Shana. Shana delicately picks up the whistle with her toes, and with incredible flexibility, brings the whistle up to her mouth and blows.

Baldwin turns into a bear, and in a single blow to the chains, Pete becomes free. Two more blows, and Maggie and Shana lower their arms with relief.

PETE: Since when were you so acrobatic?

SHANA: Well, I’m foreign. We foreigners know all sorts of things normal people don’t know.

CHELSEA: Uh, what?

SHANA: Let’s not stay here! Let’s get Lucy and then get out of here!

MAGGIE: So, Chelsea, how did you get here anyway? How did you find us?

CHELSEA: It’s a long story…

Everyone hurries up the stairs.

The saddest forum thread ever

There are a certain breed of forum posts: the kind no one responds to. This by far tops them all:

(Thursday Oct 29) Evan: well i was born with autism and last year i decided to fight it and i did not feel at all like i was gonna drift off into m own world alot and back in march i got the feeling that it would happen again but in july it wore off me now im feeling like its gonna happen please help

(Thursday Oct 29) Evan: i mean my but um i hope it wares off me soon

(Thursday Oct 29) Evan: can anyone help i have improved

(Thursday Oct 29) Evan: im not drifting off into my own world

My Deep Thoughts

• Don’t let other people tell you what you’re worth; don’t be famous. If you are famous, then ignore your fame as much as you can.
• For every great mind that dies, there’s another great mind to take its place.
• Greatness is based upon what people like and how they react; there is no absolute greatness.
• Always learn the old tricks before you invent new tricks.
• Every day is like a small lifetime. There are good ones and not-so-good ones, but they all have the opportunity to be good ones.
• You can find joy in watching paint dry, but you’ll find more joy in painting.

Life’s meaning is unintelligible. Its absence more so.

No updates? This is not good! Terrible things will happen if there are no updates! My house could be razed! Famine could ensue! I could be run over by a truck and die alone in a hospital! I MUST pursue the ever-lasting dream of weblogging!

Reasons? You want reasons for why I’ve been away? I’ve been busy, okay? I’ve been trying out new things, getting involved in a community, working on fun projects. Why should I blog about my miscellany of (what’s an m-word meaning “random stuff”?) miscellanea?

A few days ago, I bought Spore. Three days later, I bought the expansion pack. When you ignore the whole lack of gameplay, it’s actually pretty fun. There’s no way I could ever make a game that could best it, and that’s certainly worth my money, right?

I make a terrible critic.

So, yes, personal junk I can throw on here. Let’s see what I got…

Oh, yeah, I got a DeviantArt page here. Right now, only thing I got is a sketch I made of some cartoon faces. It’s in my scrapbook.

Yeah, I should do more, but I feel uncomfortable following my desires whenever my college graduate brother comes in, listens to anime music, and watches TF2 videos. Which is every single day in existence.

Well, that’s about it. I’m working off and on on the little stuff. Like Pet Tamers. Miscellaneous comics. Tell me what you want me to do. Anything. Come on, anything! A good burst of communal activity could energize me, and increase my devotion, my dedication, and more updates could ensue!

Mal and Belle: Desperate Housewife Syndrome

This is my 50th post. I was going to make something special to commemorate it, but it’s taking too long, and a late post is no way to celebrate an anniversary. So, it’s back to Mal and Belle.

Belle wakes up late that evening, and is greeted by the fumes of rotting salad.

Only two days in the house, and Mal’s repugnance has already taken hold of the house. In the bathroom, the shower and toilet are filthy and the floor is soaking wet.

The nasty atmosphere takes its toll on poor Belle. Mal doesn’t notice a thing, and Belle is too nice to bring it up.

Mal goes off to bed, while Belle whips up something to eat: waffles.

I notice that Belle is very carefully checking on these waffles. Sensing a potentially humorous situation coming, I start taking snapshots of what happens.

That was perfect. And all without cheats!

So after that quintessentially comedic scene, Belle’s upset that her food is even worse than the salad. But guess what she does anyway?

Belle has a few wishes by this point. The astute reader can already guess what two of them are.

The first wish is to hire a maid. Sure, they don’t have a lot of money right now, but Belle’s not going to let a simple obstacle like that get in the way of a clean house, right?

The second wish is to clean up the bathroom. As Belle gets out the mop, she flashes a disturbing expression at the mirror.

 

Pet Tamers, Episode 11

I should stop saying “The payoff is coming! The payoff is coming!” First, this story does not seem headed towards the payoff I promised; second, this story has a way of changing itself…

PET TAMERS

Episode 11: Ice Cream Sundaes

EXT. of an OUTHOUSE. The sky is a torpid gray stew of wind howling through the snake-like grass. Two figures, clothed in the darkness of the night, approach the rusty, beaten door of the outhouse. The taller one knocks loudly.

CLOSE-UP of the OUTHOUSE DOOR. A slit opens up. Lightning briefly reveals the two eyes staring out.

DOORMAN: This seat is occupied.

TALL FIGURE: And we will follow.

The slit closes again, and the door opens. The two figures walk in.

INSIDE. It is dark; only the dim grayness of the night seeps through the cracks in the walls. A motor starts up, and a black mass moves downward.

DOORMAN: You’re a day late.

SHORT FIGURE: We would have come here sooner, if Benkley hadn’t lost our luggage.

The lights turn on. The DOORMAN operates an elevator as the CEO and BENKLEY address each other.

BENKLEY: I did not lose the luggage, sir. It was likely misplaced by the airport.

CEO: Don’t try your blame game! You’re my valet, you should have foreseen that and prevented it!

BENKLEY: It was a grave error on my part, sir. I gladly take responsibility. I can replace everything, sir.

CEO: You can’t replace money, Benkley! People take it! And people like us have to either take it back, or find someone else to take it from!

BENKLEY: If I may supply my own opinions, sir, I only take what you give me.

CEO: And that’s why you’re not a CEO.

The elevator comes to a stop.

OUTSIDE the elevator, a man is waiting for the two comrades.

MAN: Greetings to you, Mr. Julius Swaggert. How was your trip?

CEO: You must be Il Rubino.

RUBINO: The one and same. I am glad to see that you two are safe, especially after… your tragic loss.

CEO: I’m not here to discuss past business, don. Tell me about this deal of yours.

RUBINO (turning aside): And this must be Benkley. How do you do, sir?

BENKLEY: Quite well, sir.

RUBINO: Curt little worm. Careful with him; a servant like him gets stale early.

CEO: I am an important businessman, don, and I have investments to monitor back home. Tell us what this business of yours is, so that we can be on our way.

RUBINO: Maurice!

Young, cleanly-dressed man rushes up.

MAURICE: Yes, sir?

RUBINO: Show these two to our guest quarters. Have we heard from our three absentee guests?

MAURICE: Yes, sir. One has a date, another has a bad case of conjunctivitis, and the other had an unexpected delivery of fresh salmon to her company’s doorstep.

RUBINO: The ungratefulness. Come, I’ll deal with those three privately. Start the preparations, Maurice, we’re havin’ the meeting after dinner.

MAURICE: And the children?

RUBINO: Yes, feed them, too. You know what I said about them.

BENKLEY: Children?

RUBINO: Maurice, please show the two to their rooms, while I don my evening wear.

MAURICE: Come right this way, gentlemen.

MEANWHILE, in a STONE BASEMENT (note: tell the art department to stop making their stone basements look like dungeons), MAGGIE, SHANA, and PETE lay shackled to the wall.

PETE: I’m scared.

MAGGIE: Don’t worry.

PETE: Without my Gameberry, I feel alone.

MAGGIE: We’ll get out of this.

PETE: All my saved games were on it! What if it’s gone forever? All that work for nothing…

MAGGIE: Suppose Jason and Chris are coming to save us.

SHANA: After that fight we saw, I think it is more likely Jason is coming alone.

MAGGIE: Come on. Chris wouldn’t just abandon us. Would he?

The DOOR above creaks opens.

MAGGIE (whispering): Remember, say nothing. Tell them nothing about the whistles.

MAURICE appears in the doorway, though the kids do not know his name.

MAURICE (tossing some vegetables at the kids): Here, dinner.

MAURICE leaves. The door above shuts loudly.

PETE: They’re not too interested in us, are they?

MAGGIE: Well, let’s hope it stays that way.

PETE: I just want my Gameberry back.

CLOSE-UP of a WINE GLASS. A fork clangs against the rim.

RUBINO: Gentlemen! Ladies! Your attention!

THE DINNER PARTY. Most of the guests ignore Rubino, too busy drinking, eating, and conversing amongst themselves to notice him.

RUBINO (howling): YOUR ATTENTION!!

The guests quiet themselves and turn to Rubino.

RUBINO: My friends. My soon-to-be friends. Thank you all for attending. It is a privilege and an honor to have such esteemed guests in my halls.

Rubino gestures to a well-built man with red hair.

RUBINO: First, I would like to thank Mr. Casa here for the construction of this hideout. He has exceeded my expectations, and I have high hopes for this place. Everyone, Mr. Edward Casa.

Mr. EDWARD CASA stands courteously and nods politely while the guests politely applaud.

RUBINO: Remember, gentlemen, this home is not only my home, but yours. If at any time you need some place to settle or hide, please feel free at any time to drop by. My two colleagues will see to your satisfaction.

THE STONE BASEMENT.

RUBINO (muffled, distant): Now then, for the main order of business…

MAGGIE (whispering): Is there a party upstairs?

PETE: Shh!

RUBINO: …has acquired some very interesting pieces. Ms. Van Dell, would you care to present your wares?

A HAND slaps down on the dinner table.

MS. AVA VAN DELL, a wiry woman with streaks in her curled red hair, stands at attention, her hand firm against the table.

MS. VAN DELL: Certainly. Paris!

PARIS, an even thinner woman with jet-black hair, rises from her seat and hands MS. VAN DELL a device that looks vaguely like a radar gun. Ms. Van Dell firmly raises it above the table and, with a flourish, flicks the switch on the gun’s side. A holographic display spews outward, bathing the dinner party in bluish light.

MS. VAN DELL (firmly): See this, everyone?

The hologram is displaying some news footage – specifically, the same news footage that was seen in episode 3.

MS. VAN DELL: THIS is the news footage of the monster that destroyed Swaggert Tower.

MR. SWAGGERT puts his hand to his face and turns away from the hologram.

MS. VAN DELL (con’t): Footage that was made immediately after the attack, and mysteriously disappeared from the news studio just minutes from being aired.

Ms. Van Dell turns to Rubino.

MS. VAN DELL: Our host, Mr. Rubino, took their videotape of the intended broadcast, keeping it as a personal trinket. I do hope he does not mind if I share my OWN copy with you all.

Rubino maintains a dignified air.

MS. VAN DELL: The disappearance of the phyiscal media was, of course, all Mr. Rubino’s, but the virtual media’s disappearance was all my doing. I am the only person in the world with a copy of this – monster!

Rubino, still dignified, bears but the slightest mark of impatience.

MS. VAN DELL: Gentlemen! This monster is a threat to us all! If it could destroy a skyscraper, what else could it do? Destroy a city? Surely an army can take it down, you say. Gentlemen…

(MS. VAN DELL pushes a button on her gun)

MS. VAN DELL (con’t): … he’s already taken down an army!

The hologram now displays surveillance footage of a parking lot. The dinosaur’s foot kicks several gangsters. Other gangsters run away, but a panther leaps from offscreen onto them.

MS. VAN DELL: Three days after the first attack, the monster was seen attacking in the parking lot of a local office. Taken straight from the surveillance cameras, not even Rubino has this footage.

Rubino’s dignified stance is increasingly degrading into irritation.

MS. VAN DELL: First, notice that the dinosaur is not the only monster at the scene. You can see the vicious wild cat plainly enough. But right HERE…

Ms. Van Dell pauses the video and zooms in towards a blurry figure, who despite being unrecognizable, is clearly directing the panther with his hands.

MS. VAN DELL: Somebody is LEADING these monsters.

CUT to a distant shot of the outhouse. Rain and wind pour down against the earth.

MS. VAN DELL (V.O.): Someone is behind this. Someone has a great power in their hands, leading us down a winding path, waiting for the right time to pull the rug out from underneath us.

A car pulls up. Chee lands on the hood. A car door opens and slams shut.

JASON: This is it. We’re here.

Childhood memories

Pet Tamers, Episode 10

I find myself at a quandary sometimes; should I stick to fictional conventions, or realistic conventions? Should I attempt to make an awesome and original story, or continue my premise of parodying kids’ shows while mixing in my own brand of originality? Actually, I think I just answered that question.

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 10: Reparative Reparations

EXT. THE SCIENTIST’S WAREHOUSE. JASON drives up to the warehouse, CHRIS rides in the front, and CHELSEA rides in the back, with all five of the pets also seated in the back.

Jason gets out of the car and picks up Pete’s hamster BALDWIN, and takes the leash of his dog.

CHELSEA: You’re taking them in with you?

JASON: Eno will know what to do with them.

Chelsea looks skeptically at Jason.

JASON: Bring along the other two.

Jason turns towards the building. Chelsea turns and picks up Maggie’s cat LUCY and Shana’s bird CHEE. Chelsea looks at Chris’s lizard, then up at Chris, who sits sullenly in his seat.

CHELSEA: Can you get the lizard?

Chris silently gets out of his seat and picks up the lizard as Chelsea follows Jason.

CHELSEA: So, what’s your crazy plan, exactly?

JASON: Eno gave us these whistles, and these pets. If Maggie, Shana, and Pete still have their whistles with them, I’m sure he can help us track them down.

Jason opens up the warehouse door.

INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE, the door opens and echoes its squeak across the dark, empty interior. The only light comes from the open door.

JASON: Hello?

Chelsea flicks on a light switch before this cliche goes on any further.

Unfortunately, some cliches just won’t die, as sprawled across the empty floor, the old scientist Eno lies gasping for air.

JASON: Eno!

Jason rushes to Eno’s side. Soft, sad music starts playing. Chelsea and Chris enter skeptically, though we can’t tell because they’re out of focus.

JASON: Eno, what happened? Your lab!

ENO: Ohhh… my time is coming, Jason… I won’t have much longer.

CHRIS (whispering to CHELSEA): You wanna go someplace while these two finish?

CHELSEA (whispering): No way.

JASON: Eno, you can’t go! You need your help! Three of us have been kidnapped by a gang of criminals!

ENO: Uhh… you’ll pull through, Jason. You’ll find a way, like you always do.

JASON: But you’re the only one who can help us! Tell me, you made these whistles, right? Is there some sort of… tracker device you have, a detection system, something to locate them?

ENO: No… of course not… I didn’t… it’s too late for that…

JASON: What about the pets? Can they do anything, like tell where their masters are and such?

ENO: I… I only developed the whistles… nothing else…

CHRIS (muttering): What a waste of time…

ENO: But… there is something… I know… a pet… always knows where to find… the person who… loves it… the most……

The sad music swells to a climax.

JASON: Eno? Eno!

CHRIS: Oh, Jason? Should we call the paramedics, or is too late for that?

JASON: Eno! Nooooo, Enoooooo!

Chris yawns. Chelsea blinks.

JASON: (incomprehensible sobbing)

CHRIS: So, wait, why is his lab empty again? Why were the lights turned off? How is the timing so convenient?

JASON (springing up, not the slightest bit sad): Chris, what did he mean? That pets can find the people who love them the most?

CHRIS: In my opinion, I think it means his brain shut down and he went delirious.

JASON: What if… what if we used Maggie’s, or Shana’s, or Pete’s pets to find where they are? What if they know where they are?

CHRIS: Pets don’t have a sixth sense. Come on, I thought this was an educational show!

JASON: Don’t be silly, you crazy Chris. This isn’t a show.

CHRIS: Don’t play dumb, Jason, I’m pretty sure, since the last episode, this is a show.

JASON (darkly): Would you rather it wasn’t a show, Chris?

CHRIS: Um… well, no, nevermind.

JASON: Let’s see… Baldwin won’t do, because Pete treated him so poorly… Lucy’s better, but she ran away from Maggie, so… what about Chee? Didn’t Shana say she loved birds?

CHRIS: Well, you know me. I’m crazy Chris, I can barely remember anything.

JASON: I bet it will work. It has to work! It’s the only thing we’ve got left.

CHELSEA: What are we doing, again?

JASON: We’re going to let Chee tell us where Shana and the rest of them are.

CHELSEA: Oh. Really?

CUT to a country road, acres of farmland on either side. CHEE flies overhead, while JASON drives after it. CHELSEA sits in the front seat, while CHRIS and the other pets sit in the back.

CHELSEA: What do we do if Chee gets tired?

JASON: She won’t. She’ll pull through.

Chris starts to say something, but decides against it.

CHELSEA: I should’ve told my parents I’d be gone for some time.

JASON: Oh, don’t worry about your parents. They don’t need to know about this.

Chelsea gives Chris an apprehensive look, but Chris is too busy thinking to notice her.

CUT to another section of road. MILES and RUSS, still wearing their airport maintenance uniforms, are standing on the side, trying to catch a ride. Their jetpack lies nearby.

RUSS (shouting): Somebody?

MILES: It’s no use. We’re only a few miles from the city. A trooper’s going to come along any moment, recognize us, and throw us back in the slammer, or worse.

RUSS: Well, maybe we didn’t fill up as much as we should have, maybe the jetpack has a bad gas mileage.

MILES: I say, we should just cut through these cornfields. We need to get away as fast as possible, and off the roads as much as possible.

RUSS: The police will alert every town in the area and let us know we’re on the loose. And we don’t have any supplies for a cross-country run, no food or water. We’re better off trying to hitchhike.

MILES: Who the heck would pick up hitchhikers these days?

A familiar-looking car pulls up alongside them.

JASON: Do you two need a ride somewhere?

RUSS: Oh, why, yes. If you could afford the time to help two strangers.

JASON: Sure, get in.

CHELSEA: What?

CHRIS (near simultaneously): What?

JASON: Could you make some room, Chris?

Chris reluctantly pulls all the animals onto his side and his lap as Miles and Russ enter the car with the jetpack.

CHRIS (awkwardly): Uh, nice backpack.

Jason starts up the car and drives off.

RUSS: Okay, son, if you could drop us off, like, 20 miles east of here, just north of Scramblersville, there should be a little red house…

JASON (breaking in): Sorry, we’re not headed that way. We’re going north.

RUSS: What?

JASON (pointing up): After that bird.

Miles and Russ exchange looks.

MILES (whispering): We jumped in a loony car.

RUSS (whispering): It’s better than a trooper, though.

CHRIS: Trooper?

RUSS: Nothing, kid. Just go where you want, driver, we’re fine with it.

MILES: Are we?

RUSS (whispering): It doesn’t matter where we’re headed, as long as we’re headed away from the city. We’ll wait until they stop, then figure out what to do from there. Okay?

MILES (whispering): Well, okay.

CHELSEA (whispering to JASON): Is it legal to pick up hitchhikers around here?

JASON (out loud): Why not? I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

CHELSEA (over JASON): Sh! Shh! Okay, okay! It’s fine! Sorry I asked.

The five drive off into the distance, where yet another episode looms before them…

Wolfrun, Third Try – Week 29

Well, it worked brilliantly. All through the night, while I slept peacefully, Go Wolfrun stood in his door-less, window-less, TV-less, bed-less, sofa-less, lamp-less house for 169 days. That’s 169 Sim years. When I woke up and checked the date, I was stunned. In the game, Sims live for only 90 years, which meant that not only would all the Sims from week 5 be dead, but the unborn embryo Sims would also be dead, as would their children; their grandchildren, however, could possibly be alive. But 169 years! If Go stepped outside of his time capsule house, it would be an entirely different world from what he knew.

I had to go to class, so I couldn’t check the neighborhood. But I wondered how different everything would be. I wondered how I’d find anyone; if 4 people out of 96 Sims had disappeared after 2 weeks, then after 27 weeks, only half of the Sims from before would be there.

Of course, my math had a few holes in it, but it didn’t matter. As it turns out, I was both right and wrong. It was an entirely different world. But that didn’t mean everyone I knew was gone.

There were a few new names to the neighborhood, like the Dunns and the Austins, but I was surprised that several Sims were still alive. Blair Sw0rd was still alive and pregnant, but her husband Cycl0n3 was not. He wasn’t even in the family tree. Tamara was still alive, except her last name was Hart now, and she was also pregnant. And, like Blair, she had “0 days to Elder”.

Everywhere I went through town, this same pattern was emerging. Iliana Langerak (now Iliana Austin) was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder. Morgana Wolff was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder. Holly Alto (now Holly Bachelor) was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder. Bella Bachelor (now Bella Hamlin-Bachelor) was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder. Monika Morris (now Monika Langerak) was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder. Imelda Alto was alive, pregnant, and almost an elder.

In fact, everywhere I looked there were single pregnant women. At a few odd houses (none of the ones above), there’d be an old man married to the pregnant wife who was one day from becoming an elder. There was one odd case were the husband was at the end of his life, but he never died. So he and his wife lived happily ever after, forever and after.

The most chilling thing, however, is that nowhere in the entire neighborhood were there any children, nor babies, nor even teenagers. It’s like a Twilight Zone episode, where all the women suck up the youth from their unborn babies and remain young forever while the men become dried-out husks and die until the entire town consists entirely of pregnant women. Actually, that’s not a bad premise, but it’s just creepy here. This is seriously not supposed to happen; either the women just shouldn’t get pregnant when they’re so close to elderhood, or they should just give birth to their children and then move on.

I suspect this is a bug with either the Indie Stone Mod or the Awesome Mod, but the two developers are working closely with each other, so I can just tell one of them about it and wait until one of them updates their version. Although the Awesome Mod developer updates it every day, so I probably won’t have to wait long.

Wolfrun, Second Try – Week 5

Revisiting the Wolfrun home, I decided the first thing to do was replace Go’s broken TV with the best TV so that it wouldn’t break down. I sold off the TV, and began selling off everything I needed to get the $8000 needed.

Which was basically everything. All he had was his sofa and his shiny new TV. So I sat him in front of the sofa, turned on his TV, and sat back for a few glorious moments as the game ran on ultra, and Go Wolfrun contentedly watched his TV for days on end.

Then, suddenly, the game went to normal speed when some guy with a laser gun and a baseball cap showed up, complaining about how the bills weren’t being paid, and he stole poor Wolfrun’s sofa.

At first, I just ignored him and went back to ultra speed while Wolfrun stood up and watched his TV (he still had his Comfy moodlet, so I don’t think he really minded), but the Repo Man kept coming back, even though he didn’t take anything, not even the expensive hi-definition TV. But every time he showed up, the game kept resetting to normal speed, and after this happened a few times, I realized, “What a minute, he’s coming because the TV is using up electricity.” The reason I was sitting him in front of a TV in the first place was because that was exactly what the developer of the Indie Stone Mod suggested doing on a wolfrun, but I decided to bugger all and just take everything away. No TV, no door, no windows, no sofas. Just an empty room to stand in.

When week 5, day 2 came around, I paused the game again and took a look around town, to see how the Sims had changed.

Just to remind everyone, this is 29 days since I started; in-universe, it’s been 29 years. The original Sims game takes place 25 years after the start of Sims 3, so this is about the same time period as that.

First, I revisited the Roomies. Tamara was expecting her first child with Xander, who was already an elder. Cycl0n3 and Blair had moved out and married (Blair becoming Blair Sw0rd), and were also expecting. That left the other two, Silas and Emma, alone to hook up with each other.

I looked around, and saw many other romances blooming. Holly Alto, was now going out with Michael Bachelor. Mortimer Goth was going out with Bella Bachelor, sounds suspiciously pre-programmed to me. Contrary to canon, however, Mortimer was in a criminal as opposed to a scientist. Jared Frio and Claire Ursine were now married, and his brother Connor was married to Monika Morris, who was also pregnant.

There were also some less happy stories. The Wolffs, for example, have had another child named Brandon, and when I caught up with them, Morgana was in a very depressed state. Checking their relationships, it seems Thorton Wolff barely had any relationship with his two children at all. Their daughter from 2 weeks ago was now a child, and had gained the kleptomaniac trait. This was clearly an interesting development, and I wondered how they would turn out in the future.

There were also some Sims whose loved ones had just died recently. Yumi Sekemoto, who I didn’t really pay attention to last time, had just died, and his son Leighton was very depressed. Cornelia Goth had died recently, and Gunther Goth was still in a bad mood over it. Actually, his life bar was pretty full already, so he probably wouldn’t be sad for very long. Incidentally, now that he was no longer married, Agnes Crumplebottom had a crush on him. Too bad she was going to be disappointed soon.

Jarrod, the evil genius baby, now had the loser trait, and his artsy outdoorsy brother Weston now had the snob trait. Sort of the total opposite of what I expected from their infant traits. The Altos above were doing pretty well for themselves, though Gobias Koffi was now an elder and still hadn’t any romances, male or female.

So, finally, I went back to Go Wolfrun, changed to ultra speed, and left the game overnight, hoping that without any more TV, there would be no more interruptions to the game speed, and I’d get a lot farther than ever before…

Leaving Sims 3 On Overnight

In its preview of the Sims 3 back on March 10th, IGN touted that the game’s free will system was quite intelligent, and that “[y]ou could leave the game running overnight and wake up to an entirely different situation”. Naturally, when I got it, I wanted to test that statement and see what would happen if I left the game for an extended period of time.

Now, I’ve read comments from fans saying, “Why would you do this? Wouldn’t it be more fun to play the game yourself than to let the computer play it for you?” I say, ludicrous. You can have more than one save slot on the Sims 3, and why not spend it on something that’s just as pointless as raising completely fictitious and unrealistic people?

So, bold and fearless, I started a new game in Sunset Valley. I decided upon the Roomies household to be the active household, because I figured five diversely different adults would be interesting subjects for the experiment.

I just loaded them up, pressed 3 for “ultra speed”, and went to bed. I was dimly aware that pressing 3 would be pointless, as the game would automatically reset to normal speed whenever the carpool came, but I decided, meh, I just want to see what happens.

What happened was: I woke up 8 hours later and came back to find that Tamara had received an opportunity on work, and the game had been waiting patiently for a response. In-game, it was week 1, day 2, the day right after I left it.

Disappointment was an understatement. I began looking up for info on turning off opportunities, but EA had the daftness to not include an option to turn them off. The only way to not get opportunities is to install a mod called the Indie Stone Story Progression Mod and do a “wolfing run” with it. Of course, in order for the ISSPM to work with the latest patched version of Sims 3, you also had to install the Awesomemod from another website and delete the ISSPM core mod package, etc etc. I studiously followed the instructions, made a single man with the last name “Wolfrun”, put him in his own house, added a TV, told him to watch TV, set the game at “ultra speed”, and went off to class.

I came back 4 and a half hours later to find it was now week 3, day 2. That was better, but I was expecting a lot more. Inspecting the house, I found that his television had broken down, and that Go Wolfrun had spent most of his time either reading from the bookcase or sleeping. The game resets its speed to 1 whenever somebody wakes up from sleeping, but since Go’s needs never dropped, I can only imagine he went to bed as a way of mocking me.

Still, I decided to check out the neighborhood and see how things had changed. At the Roomies household, Tamara was gone from the group; she had gone off to marry Xander Clavell. Hard to imagine why, seeing as how he had commitment issues. His bio itself explicitly states he wasn’t planning on getting married, but I guess Tamara was just a manipulative bitch.

I also looked around to see what else happened. Holly Alto got her own place, and the two adult Altos had two children, Imelda and Iris. The Landgraabs also had two children, Jarred and Weston. I’m especially interested in Jarred because his two traits were “evil” and “genius”, and you know putting those two words together is always a good thing. Thorton and Morgana Wolff, even though their bios say that children is the last thing they’d plan on doing with their marriage, had a baby girl named Krissy.

There was also Claire Ursine, who was both raising her daughter Terra and going out with Connor Frio. Jared Frio, meanwhile, was going out with Monika Morris, who I assume is one of the Working Friends Household.

There were other Sims who’d moved in from nowhere; a couple, German and Faye Rhinehart; the Lain family, consisting of two musically-inclined parents, their equally gifted daughter, their more brutish son and daughter; and the Gutierrez family, who I didn’t really bother looking at. There were also some Sims who weren’t living anywhere, like Zelda Mae and Parker Langerak, and Ethan and Lisa Bunch. I tried calling Zelda Mae over and then saying goodbye to her so I could see where she was staying, but she went over to Jamie Jolina’s house and disappeared, even though Jamie lived alone.

So, having inspected Sunset Valley, I went back to Go Wolfrun’s home, and continued the speed run…

Mal And Belle: Mundane Monday

Around mid-day, Mal finally woke up from his sleep.

Mal has the lifetime wish of being the emperor of evil. Therefore, it only makes sense that he wants to get a job in the criminal department.

There wasn’t a job available yesterday, but today, there’s an opening. The classifieds are weird like that.

So while Mal sets down the paper and celebrates by watching TV, work ends for Belle.

After receiving her paycheck, Belle, being good, wants to donate to charity (like Alice famously does). But Belle is tired; getting up early last night didn’t help her much. But I insist that she makes a donation so I can have her do something interesting.

Meanwhile, Mal is watching TV for ideas on potential world domination.

After a while, though, he gets hungry, and gets up to eat something, when he spots…

… the leftover salad from last night.

Having the slob trait, Mal has no qualms about eating the rotting, maggot-infested salad.

After his less-than-nutritious meal, Mal decides to get a head-start on his criminal career with some aerobic exercises…

… followed by some air guitar and gorilla poses.

Mal cools down in the shower, and then plops back onto the couch to watch something… er, non-criminal-related.

Pet Tamers, Episode 9

Well, this episode goes without saying. Except that you’re going to need to start reading from the first episode before this will make sense.

PET TAMERS

Episode 9: Cross Sections

JASON’S HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

CHRIS: You know, it’s been how many days since Maggie, Shana and Pete got kidnapped, and no one’s been talking about it at all.

JASON: The police have probably been keeping this under wraps.

CHRIS: You can’t keep a kidnapping under wraps. What about their parents? What about their friends?

A serendipitous knock on the door.

JASON: Who could that be?

Jason opens the door. Standing there is CHELSEA, who was last seen in Episode 3.

CHELSEA: What did you two do to her?

JASON: To who?

Chris suddenly looks up.

CHELSEA: Maggie. She wasn’t at school today, and no one said anything. You two did something to her, didn’t you?

JASON: See, Chris, someone noticed.

CHRIS: You didn’t say it.

JASON: Say what?

CHRIS: Whom. You said “to who”, not “to whom”. You made a mistake! You just made a grammatical mistake! Ha! This is awesome.

The words WHO and WHOM appear onscreen.

CHRIS: Wait, no! No! I take that back!

JASON: “Who” and “whom” are two commonly confused words. They both ask about which person you’re talking about, but how do you know which to use?

While Jason was talking, the background has changed from Jason’s living room to a white, featureless room, with Chris being the only other person with Jason.

CHRIS: No! I don’t want this to be educational! Turn it back!

JASON: The answer is the prepositions. If there aren’t any prepositions like “to” or “from” at the beginning or the end, then you use “who”. Otherwise, use “whom”. Just look at these two sentences.

Two sentences appear with blanks: ____ ARE YOU? and ____ ARE YOU TALKING TO?

CHRIS: Oh, why? Why do you do this?

JASON: Chris, can you tell me which word to use in each sentence?

CHRIS: What are you, Jason? And who are you talking to?

JASON: Oh, you couldn’t be more wrong. The first is WHO are you, but the second one is WHOM are you talking to, because of the “to” at the end.

CHRIS: Knock it off with the education thing! Hey kids! You use “he” for guys, and “she” for girls, but what if you don’t know if the person is a guy or girl? You could say “it”, but that would be impersonal and rude, so you combine all three pronouns together and say “shi-

JASON: YOU IMBECILE!!!

The white background is replaced with a black background. Chris is suddenly suspended over a pit of spikes, while a long sharp spike is pointed directly at his throat. Jason stares and floats ominously overhead.

JASON: Don’t you EVER try to ruin THIS SHOW! Don’t you EVER say such naughty words, or MOCK MY WHOLESOME LESSONS!

CHRIS: Where am I? What (gags and chokes, as Jason’s stare intensifies)

JASON: If you EVER cross me AGAIN, you will be GONE from this show. FOREVER. DO YOU HEAR ME?

The spike edges closer and closer to Chris’s throat.

CHRIS (turning blue): Y-y-gah-uh-yehhsssggg…

JASON: Good. (the background becomes lighter again, Jason faces the audience) Nothing happened, kids. You didn’t see anything scary happening. I mean, look at me. Don’t I look like a nice guy? You can trust me, right, kids? Oh, by the way, you’d say, “he or she”, and never “they”.

CHELSEA: They what?

The background is once again Jason’s living room. Chris lies in the floor, gasping for breath, Jason stands as before, and Chelsea looks curiously at the two.

JASON: Nothing, Chelsea. We were just about to go looking for her ourselves. Right, Chris?

CHRIS: R-right. (gasps)

CHELSEA: Did Chris pass out all of a sudden? He was fine a second ago.

JASON: Oh, Chris is just like that. He’s always doing silly stuff. Don’t you, Chris?

CHRIS: (stands) No, no I don’t. He—(suddenly slips and falls)

JASON: See? That’s our Chris.

CHELSEA: Look, I don’t care much about what you two are doing. But if you have any idea where Maggie is, then I’m coming along.

JASON: But Chelsea, it could be dangerous. They’re being held hostage by an evil gang of criminals.

CHELSEA: Er… I’m not going to ask why and how, but Maggie’s my friend, and I have to make sure she’s safe. Plus, I have something I have to tell her.

JASON: What’s that?

CHELSEA: (pulls out Maggie’s cat Lucy) That I finally found her cat.

Jason looks at Lucy, and then smiles.

JASON: Come on, Chris. I’ve got an idea.

CHRIS: Good, good. It’s good that you come up with good ideas. All good.

CHELSEA: I hope he isn’t always going to be like this.

JASON: Oh, you’ll get used to it.

MUSIC PLAYS, FADE IN FADE OUT to the AIRPORT.

MILES: Well, here we are at the airport. What now?

RUSS: Mr. X told us to go to the airport and dress properly.

MILES: What do you think he meant by “dress properly”?

MAN (offscreen): Blast!

Miles and Russ turn towards the sound. Two familiar-looking men are here, standing over a broken suitcase.

IMPORTANT-LOOKING MAN: Darn you, Benkley! I told you to handle those suitcases carefully!

BENKLEY: Sorry, sir. But a disassembled jetpack is very heavy.

MAN: Well, then just leave it! We’re going to miss our flight, and I have plenty of money for another jetpack. Too bad I don’t have enough money for a new valet!

BENKLEY (as the two rush off): Frankly, sir, did I ever mention how much I love this job?

Miles and Russ watch the two men walk off. They turn towards the suitcase and head towards it.

RUSS: Disassembled jetpack, heh? And look, a carrying capacity of two.

MILES: Talk about a lucky break.

RUSS: But wait. There’s no fuel in it. We need to get some jet fuel.

MILES: Well, this is an airport...

CUT to a MAINTENANCE ROOM. MILES and RUSS are wearing maintenance uniforms, looking around while a thick hose pumps jet fuel into the fuel tank of the jetpack.

MILES: This was actually pretty easy.

RUSS: Just so long as those maintenance guys don’t wake up.

GUARD (walking onscreen): Hey! You two! Do you work here?

RUSS: Why, of course we do.

GUARD: Could I see some ID?

Russ digs into his pocket and quickly hands him the ID. The guard studies it carefully.

GUARD: Wait, you look nothing like this guy!

The guard looks up, but Russ and Miles and the jetpack are gone, leaving only the hose leaking jet fuel.

GUARD: Gah!

The guard races over to the pipe control valve, desperately trying to shut off the hose. He fumbles with the various hoses, trying figure out which of the several dozen hoses leads to the working hose. He starts handling the valves, testing each one in succession until one of them turns easily, shutting the hose off. Satisfied, he then pulls up his radio.

GUARD: Security! Two unknown individuals running up Runway 6!

The guards rush into the maintenance room and out onto the runway, but Miles and Russ have already started their takeoff. The guards pull out their guns and start shooting, but the two gangsters have just barely managed to get away.

MILES: Good thing that guard spent all that time trying to shut off the valve, instead of trying to stop us.

RUSS: Yes. If he had just called in, there’s no way we could have outrun the mass of security guards running after us.

MILES: In fact, if they hadn’t been so prompt, and waited until you were struggling with the jetpack to show up, it would have been a really sad statement about the security of our airports.

RUSS: Speaking of jetpacks, do you know how to drive this thing?

MILES: Me? How should I know how a jetpack works? Besides, you’re doing a pretty good job right now.

RUSS: I’m just pushing whichever buttons get us out of here.

MILES: Well, don’t stop. We’ve got a long way to go to get out of here.

Miles and Russ ride off. Don’t worry, the payoff to this arc will come eventually.

Unbirthday Presents

I love getting packages that I buy for myself. Because they’re just like… well, read the title. Course, real unbirthday presents would arrive on every one of my unbirthdays, and most of the unbirthday presents that do arrive are for my parents. Not to say that I’m jealous, as they’re typically either pathetic coupons, bills, or invitations to a private retreat. Actually, that last one doesn’t sound too bad.

Well, four days ago, on Tuesday, I ordered a graphics tablet on eBay. They sent it on Wednesday, and I expected it to arrive in three days’ time. Sure enough, it arrived today. The postal system has never failed me. I don’t know why everyone makes such a deal about lost packages. Maybe that’s just TV Land.

So, I got my graphics tablet, and the first thing I had to do with it was to try it out. I put pen to plastic, and within an hour, I had created something that was actually… pretty bad. I had basically just started doing a face, starting with the eye, but no sooner did I zoom out that I realized that it was going to suck. Just look at it…

I started out with the basic anime-style eye, because I’d never done one before, and I saw someone else drawing it and thought, “I could do that”. And then I started shading it. Ugh. Important lesson in art styles: NEVER mix the two, except for deliberate effect. There was NOT meant to be an effect here, and so it fails. If you look at a real eye…

… you can see that there’s no difference between the “anime cornea” and the “real-life cornea” as I imagined it. Again, the lesson here is “do your research before you do something different”.

Also, I didn’t draw an eyelid either. And the eyebrow is too low. At least I put the bridge of the nose in the right spot; that counts for something, right?

And in case you’re wondering, here’s the full picture as I discarded it:

Updates

Major lack of optimism this week. I just haven’t been as productive as I should, I get anxiety over that, less productivity, more anxiety, et cetera et cetera ad infinitum. Then one day, some awesome piece of news comes out, some online game gets release, or someone finally releases an anticipated sequel. Then I get energized, and back on track.

So, while no one was watching this blog, I updated my Windows Live Writer version. It’s spiffier, although a bit too shiny. I wonder how shinier future software will appear. Maybe they’ll produce metallic monitors, so we can actually see the shine.

Also, I started another project. I’ve always had a love for the classic songs; the songs from the 50’s, 60’s, 80’s, and 90’s (the 70’s, not so much). So I started taking all the songs that have been number one on the Billboard Top 100 list, and arranging them into consecutively into a medley, 2 seconds for every week on top. Right now I’ve gone from August 1958, the start of the list, to April 1962; the medley is over 6 minutes long. It’s a fun listen; I shall upload it sometime to either the crazy “Windows SkyDrive” that replaced my private sharing folders, or to YouTube, where it will surely surprise all my anime-loving subscribers. If anyone asks about copyright, I will claim fair use. After all, the longest (so far) a song has been in the #1 spot is 9 weeks; I hear a song in 2005 lasted 16 weeks. I don’t know if I’ll get that far, but YouTube does a pretty good job of putting up all the #1 songs, so I’ll just keep going till I get tired.

Pet Tamers, Episode 8

Authors will generally tell aspiring writers the exact same rules: write well, write often, write with a passion, and rewrite just as passionately. Now, although I've been told I write well (mostly by people who love me), and I write more frequently than anyone in my immediate family (I've checked; my sister comes close, though), and I do generally enjoy writing on a blog, I just don't rewrite well. Louis Sacher says rewriting is the key to good writing, but I enjoy the spontaneity of my work, and I think that my thoughts generally receive enough stewing time before being recorded. In my more "private" works, I'll spend more time rewriting, but for a serial parody of dumb kids' shows, good writing is not the point (which actually is the point). Also, since I do a lot of rewriting in most every work of writing I make, and a lot of regretting in every work that isn't rewritten, I think rewriting has grown on me. So, long intro over, it's time for:

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 8: Pass Key

EVENING, IN SOMEONE'S CAR. LET'S SAY JASON'S.

JASON: We're almost there.

CHRIS: I still don't want to be here.

JASON: Once we get to Green Peaceful Industries, we need to find Tricia Voigt and ask her to help us. We need allies.

CHRIS: This is pointless. We should've just called the cops.

JASON: The cops are busy. But it's as the gangsters said: they're going someplace where no one can ever find them.

CHRIS: So why are we asking Tricia for help?

JASON: Because my gut intuition tells me that whatever top-secret project she is working on, it will help us find the gangsters and free our friends!

CHRIS: That would be such a huge coincidence.

JASON: Don't worry, Chris, old buddy. We'll find them.

CHRIS: Don't call me "buddy". Ever.

The car arrives in front of the headquarters of Green Peaceful Industries.

FADE to the interior of Green Peaceful Industries. All of the workers wear bright, colorful clothing and cheery smiles. The lobby is filled with natural plants, waterfalls, and rain forest sound effects.

CHRIS: What kind of business is this?

Jason ignores the question and turns to the receptionist.

JASON: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you tell me where Tricia Voigt's office is?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, go head down that hallway over there; it will be the second-to-last door on the right. Have a nice day.

CHRIS: That's it? You're not even going to ask if we have an appointment?

RECEPTIONIST: We at Green Peaceful Industries have time for all visitors.

CHRIS: Don't you do any work here? What gets done here?

JASON: Come on, Chris. Let's not waste any more time.

CHRIS: But I have absolutely no idea what's going on here!

Chris reluctantly follows Jason down the hallway.

Meanwhile, in a PRISON CELL, the two gangsters Russ and Miles sleep in their cell.

Miles shifts in his cot slightly, then opens his eyes. A noise is coming from the floor.

He groggily bends over, puts his head to the floor, and jumps back when the tip of a pickaxe pierces through the floor.

MILES: What the-

The hole gets bigger, about the size of a quarter. A voice whispers:

VOICE: Hey, you. I'm getting you out.

MILES: You... you are?

VOICE: Yeah. Get your friend up as quietly as you can while I get this hole bigger.

Miles tiptoes to Russ's cot, and nudges him slightly.

MILES: Hey, Russ. Wake up. Someone's here.

RUSS (loudly): Don't just stand there, get them!

MILES: No, quiet, Russ! Someone's here to free us!

RUSS (louder): Why, those stupid kids! They had to leave us behind!

MILES: Wake up, you stupid fool! Be quiet!

RUSS: Huh? What? Where am I? Stop touching me, Miles! You can do that in your own time.

MILES: Someone's breaking us out.

RUSS: They are? ... Well, I told you something would happen.

The hole is now fairly wide, but the mysterious helper has not revealed himself.

VOICE: Come on, hurry before the guards notice.

INSIDE THE HOLE, it is still dark. The SHADOWY FIGURE stands to the side, while the dark figure of MILES appears from above.

MILES: Oof!

VOICE: Careful!

MILES: I can't see a thing!

VOICE: Just follow my voice.

RUSS lands beside MILES.

MILES: Why are you helping us? Who are you?

VOICE: I am your friend. The Mallards know you betrayed them. You'll need all the friends you can get.

MILES: You know we are members of the Mallards?

VOICE: "Were" members. Come, and I will explain everything.

RUSS and MILES follow the VOICE.

INSIDE the HALLWAY of GREEN PEACEFUL INDUSTRIES:

CHRIS: See, that's where I'm confused. We couldn't have visited that scientist before you attacked those gangsters, because nobody had any idea what I was talking about. But we couldn't have visited him afterwards, because nobody besides us could have visited him.

JASON: You do a lot of frivolous thinking. Do you know what "frivolous" means?

CHRIS: Yes, I know what "frivolous" means. I am a high-schooler, you know.

JASON (stopping): Here we are.

A name plate on the door reads "Tricia Voigt".

JASON: Tricia Voigt.

CHRIS: Thanks, I can read just fine.

JASON opens the door, which echoes ominously in the pitch-black empty room.

CHRIS: You should knock first.

JASON: Hello? Ms. Voigt?

There is no reply, though the sounds of typing echo from within the room.

CHRIS: Excuse us, ma'am, do you mind if we turn on the lights?

JASON (entering): Tricia?

CHRIS: I think she would have heard us the first time. She's probably not in.

JASON continues into the room, and CHRIS helplessly follows.

They enter the darkness, footsteps echoing in the dark, and typing growing louder.

PAN across the room to reveal a small patch of light from a computer screen. ZOOM in on the screen, and a dark figure sitting in front of it becomes apparent.

JASON: Tricia?

FIGURE: Hmm?

The FIGURE turns in her seat, dramatic lighting awash her face.

FIGURE: Oh, sorry.

The FIGURE turns on a nearby light switch, revealing that the expansive room was really no more than 10 feet long, and is in fact an ordinary office.

TRICIA: I was just playing on the computer; I prefer playing in the dark. Sorry I didn't hear you come in, I just can't figure out what to do with these cards.

JASON: So you're Tricia Voigt?

TRICIA: Yes?

JASON: Did you know a scientist named Eno?

TRICIA: Eno? Eno, Eno. No, no Eno.

JASON: He told us you were working on a top-secret project for Green Peaceful Industries.

TRICIA: Then I suppose you wouldn't be surprised if I said I had no idea what you were talking about?

JASON: No, it's all...

CHRIS: Ha ha, I see what you did there. Come on, Jason, she's not going to tell us. Let's leave her alone.

JASON: You were a student of us. He was the one who gave us these whistles!

TRICIA: Whistles?

CHRIS: Oh, dear. You just have to drag her into it.

JASON: We're the Pet Tamers. Well, two of them. Our job is to--

CHRIS (interrupting): Can I hide in the corner and pretend I don't exist for a few minutes?

JASON (con't): --save the world by blowing into these special whistles and turn our pets into super-powered champions!

TRICIA (placidly): Really?

JASON: Yes, really. Do you know what "placidly" means?

TRICIA: ... What?

JASON: Because you said that rather placidly.

TRICIA: Oh. Well, not only do I not believe you, however much it would make sense given the recent disasters and sightings throughout town, but I have also never heard of Eno or scientists making whistles.

JASON: But you have to believe us! And you have to help us get our friends back!

TRICIA: I don't even know who you are.

JASON: I'm Jason. And this is Chris.

TRICIA: Last names?

JASON: Oh, they're not important.

TRICIA: Well then.

JASON: No, they were never important. Our last names wouldn't have any meaning to you or to anyone.

TRICIA: If you say so.

JASON: All right then. My name is Jason Key. And over there is Chris Smith.

CHRIS: My last name is Jackson.

JASON: Well, now it's Smith. So will you help us, Tricia?

TRICIA: Look, I appreciate your interest in me, but I'm not interested.

JASON: Okay then. Let's go, Chris.

CHRIS: What, you're not going to shake her down?

JASON: She'll join us later.

CHRIS: You say that so calmly, so resolvedly.

JASON: You mean, placidly. Do you know what "placidly" means?

CHRIS: Oh, shut up.

MEANWHILE, at A WAREHOUSE far from the prison, the strange FIGURE emerges, remaining in silhouette. RUSS and MILES walk out, looking around for danger.

FIGURE: My advice for you: find out where the Mallards are staying, and then stay as far away from that place as possible. Change your identities if needed. Most importantly, get someone to protect you.

MILES: You haven't told us who you are, and why you're helping us.

FIGURE: I am a friend. That is all you need to know.

RUSS: We need to know who you're working for, or at the very least some assurance that this is not a trap.

FIGURE: I'm afraid I can't give you either. But I can tell you where to go for now.

RUSS: Where?

FIGURE: The airport, tomorrow at half past ten. Dress properly. Until we meet again, gentlemen.

MILES: Wait! Even if you can't tell us your name, can you give us something we can call you?

FIGURE: You can call me X.

RUSS: X?

FIGURE: Deus X.

The FIGURE bounds away into the encroaching night.