Pet Tamers, Episode 2

Of course, the last episode ended on a cliffhanger, and we still haven't delivered the necessary First Battle and every pet's beast form, so:

PET TAMERS:

EPISODE 2 - A Team is Formed

SCENE: AN OFFICE. The IMPORTANT CEO sits at his desk, head seated on the back of his hands, staring the papers on his desk.

ENTERS a frowning EMPLOYEE.

IMPORTANT CEO: Ah, Benkley. Do you have any good news to report?

EMPLOYEE NAMED BENKLEY: Sorry, sir, but nobody approves of your plan to demolish Chesterwood Park for another of your skyscrapers.

IMPORTANT CEO: Nobody? Do they not realize that the future of this city depends on my business, and not some silly park?

BENKLEY: The public really likes that park.

IMPORTANT CEO: Bah! (stands up and turns toward the giant picture window) Since when does the public know what's good for them? Benkley, we need that skyscraper built. We need more money, and that skyscraper is going to be the key to that money. I want you to tell my private demolition crew to demolish Chesterwood Park and start laying down that skyscraper. In fact, tell them that they can go ahead and kill anyone still hanging around the park.

BENKLEY: You don't really care about the public, do you?

IMPORTANT CEO: Of course not! I hate people! All I care about is money! How else do I think I got promoted?

BENKLEY: Frankly, sir, I haven't the slightest notion.

IMPORTANT CEO: Money! That's how! Now go, assemble the team, and tell them to be ready by this afternoon!

BENKLEY: ... As you wish, sir.

NEXT SCENE: A large, three-story building with a flagpole and a big grassy lawn out front. That is, the high school.

CUT to the hallway. For some reason, there are only about 10 people in the hallway. Only one of them has their locker open. That person is a GIRL, and on the other side of the locker door is CHRIS.

CHRIS: So, you know, you and I could go out for a bite to eat, see a concert. I've got tickets to the Zingos, if you want to go...

GIRL is not impressed; she shuts her locker and leaves without a word. CHRIS sighs and turns, and is surprised by JASON who is standing right behind.

CHRIS: Hey! What were you doing? Did you put a sign on my back again?

JASON: No, Chris, our rivalry in the past is at an end. We need you to join us. You ran off the other day, without your whistle.

CHRIS: Come on, you don't believe this crap, do you?

JASON: Hey, you can't use that word!

CHRIS: What, 'crap'? This is a high school, isn't it?

JASON: Yes, but you forgot the anti-profanity rules that they suddenly implemented just a few days before Career Day.

CHRIS: 'Crap' isn't profanity!

JASON: Maybe, but slang is also prohibited, so that is very much a prohibited word. By the way...

(turns toward the camera)

'Prohibited' (the word 'prohibited' flashes up onscreen) means "forbidden by law".

CHRIS: You're really creepy when you do that. Like when you do anything.

JASON (pulls out CHRIS's whistle): Here, take your whistle.

CHRIS: I already said, this is nuts. And that scientist was just a crazy old man. Heck, didn't we all mentally label him "OLD MAN"?

JASON: Please, Chris, we need you. Take your whistle.

CHRIS: No, I don't want the magic whistle. Leave me alone.

JASON: But, Chris... (zoom back, slight reverb) We're supposed to be a team.

Apparently, there aren't any bells at this school between classes.

FADE to someone's house. We don't really care whose house, it's just one of the Pet Tamers'. Let's say, MAGGIE's house.

JASON: I tried to talk to CHRIS, but he just brushed me off.

MAGGIE: Me too. "Brushed off"? Who on earth says that?

SHANA: I was going to talk to him during math class, but I never got the chance. He was too busy talking with someone else.

MAGGIE: Too bad we're not allowed to pass notes in class. Then I might have asked him about it.

JASON: Yes, (eyes turn to camera) but we're too good students to fall for such shameful behavior.

SHANA: Does anyone know where he is now? I tried calling him, but his last name had multiple listings and I don't know his parents' first names.

MAGGIE: That's a surprisingly realistic answer.

PETE (not playing on his trademark-infringing handheld): I checked his online status a few minutes ago. It said he was on a date.

MAGGIE: Oh, right. I remember. He was going to Chesterwood Park to meet up with a girl.

JASON: Then we should get over there now. Maybe we can convince him together to join.

MAGGIE: Well, let's go, then.

JASON: Let's bring our pets, too, just too convince him all the more.

MAGGIE: How overly cautious of you. I love it! Let's go.

CUT to Chesterwood Park. Ominous bulldozers are in the background. CHRIS walks in.

CHRIS: Looks like Betty is late. I hope she's not standing me up. I wonder what those bulldozers are doing here.

PAN to the other side of the bulldozers. BENKLEY overlooks them, with a walkie-talkie in one hand.

BENKLEY: You're sure we should bulldoze the park?

CUT to IMPORTANT CEO; this happens each time each speaks.

IMPORTANT CEO: If the bulldozers are ready, then yes! Destroy it!

BENKLEY: But, I don't know... this seems so... prohibited (the word "prohibited" flashes onscreen).

IMPORTANT CEO: I don't care if it is forbidden by law. Do it before the police show up, while we still have the element of surprise. Do it, Benkley, or I will ruin you for the rest of your life!

BENKLEY (sighing and putting down the radio): We'll all go to jail for this. (shouting to the foremen) Start them up!

CUT to CHRIS.

CHRIS: They're all pointed this way. They're not really going to plow through the park, are they?

(bulldozers start up and head straight for CHRIS)

Oh, sh-(a tree suddenly and conveniently falls at this moment) They are going to plow through here!

CHRIS starts running, but suddenly trips for no reason.

CHRIS: Oh, Go-(another tree conveniently falls at this moment) this is so unfair. I hate this f-(another tree falls) place.

JASON: Chris!

CHRIS turns around. JASON, MAGGIE, SHANA, and PETE are running up to him.

CHRIS: Oh, this is such a f-(one more tree) coincidence.

SUDDEN FLASHING COLOR SPINNING BACKGROUND as JASON puts the WHISTLE to his lips.

LOUD RAP MUSIC followed by RANDOM IMAGES of the WHISTLE PRODUCING MUSICAL NOTES, UNTWISTING DNA, NUMBERS, and SCIENTIFIC-LOOKING DIAGRAMS flying around JASON'S DOG as it transforms into a GIANT, FEROCIOUS WOLF.

CHRIS: Wait, wha-... What just happened? Was that some crazy...

LOUD RAP MUSIC as MAGGIE puts the WHISTLE to her lips, more STRANGE IMAGES of the WHISTLE PRODUCING MUSICAL NOTES, DNA, ETC., ETC., as MAGGIE'S CAT LUCY transforms into a GIANT, FEROCIOUS PANTHER.

CHRIS: Uh... what was all that stuff? Was that supposed to explain how the crazy...

CHRIS is not actually supposed to talk during this part, so MORE LOUD RAP MUSIC as PETE puts the WHISTLE to his lips, and more ETC. ETC. happens and PETE's HAMSTER transforms into a GIANT, FEROCIOUS BEAR.

JASON: Go, get 'em, Chaffey!

CHRIS: Odd name...

MAGGIE: Stop the bulldozers, Lucy!

PETE: Save Chris, Baldwin!

CHRIS: How did the hamster turn into a...

CUT to action shots of CHAFFEY, LUCY, and BALDWIN rushing up against the bulldozers, and the terrified operators jumping out and screaming. CHRIS barely avoids getting landed on by BALDWIN.

CHRIS: I don't get it...

MAGGIE: Chris! Are you okay?

CHRIS: I mean, I understand the dog turning into a wolf, and the cat to panther, but a hamster into a bear? Hamsters aren't even related to bears.

JASON: Look, up there!

CUT to BENKLEY running towards a helicopter that was never seen before now.

SHANA (dramatically): Guess it's my turn...

SPINNING IMAGES, RAP MUSIC, YADA YADA, the bird becomes a GIANT FALCON.

SHANA: To the helicopter, Chee! Hurry!

The falcon CHEE races to the helicopter.

BENKLEY: Please, don't attack! That bird could get caught in the helicopter blades!

SHANA: Watch out for the blades, Chee!

BENKLEY: Oh, well... okay, then.

CHEE dodges the helicopter and enters the helicopter's cockpit.

BENKLEY: Hey! Get away! Shoo! Don't make me use the pepper spray! Get out of here!

As BENKLEY fights off CHEE, our attention turns to CHRIS and JASON leading the other three team members.

JASON: Chris, we cannot fight without you.

CHRIS: You look like you're doing fine without me.

JASON: We need to work together as a team if we want to stop them. Join us. (holding out Chris's whistle and lizard)

CHRIS: Oh, fine. If it will shut you up... (takes both)

CLOSE-UP of JASON.

JASON: I think we have all learned an important lesson today; that we cannot do separately what we can only do as a team; that though we are small on our own, we can accomplish great things through the power of...

CHRIS: All right, all right, don't get snooty about it!

CHRIS blows his whistle. AWESOME TRANSFORMATION of CHRIS'S LIZARD into GIANT 5-STORY DINOSAUR.

Everyone except CHRIS: Whoa!

SHANA: That's amazing!

PETE: You've got the best one!

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah, go squish the enemies and stuff, lizard thing.

CHRIS'S DINOSAUR squashes the bulldozers. The helicopter flies around the DINOSAUR'S head. The DINOSAUR takes notice and reaches out with its hand.

BENKLEY: This is my cue to bail ship.

BENKLEY leaps off the helicopter with a parachute, landing on his boss's skyscraper. The DINOSAUR rears its head and lunges for the skyscraper.

JASON: That building is the enemy's headquarters! Tell your lizard to destroy it!

CHRIS: Um... this is probably illegal, but...

CHRIS'S DINOSAUR'S GIANT FOOT destroys the front entrance of the building anyway.

INSIDE the building...

CEO: What is happening?

BENKLEY: They've hired Godzilla to kill us.

CEO: Don't worry, Benkley! I have a plan!

CUT to OUTSIDE the building, where CHRIS'S DINOSAUR delivers a final kick to the building and reduces it to rubble.

JASON: We did it! Chesterwood Park is saved!

CHRIS (surveying the destroyed machinery and buildings): This was probably overkill.

JASON: Let's return our pets to their natural form!

DENOUEMENT SEQUENCE: Everyone's pets, lined up in a row, magically shift back to their normal form. No music. No flashy background. This is actually pretty boring.

JASON: Hey! Chaffey!

MAGGIE: That was awesome, Lucy!

SHANA: You rocked, Chee!

CHRIS: Um... I can't find mine...

PETE: (holding up both the hamster and the lizard) Right here.

CHRIS: (taking the hamster) Thank you.

PETE: Hey! Give him back!

OLD MAN: (appearing from nowhere) Great work, Pet Savers! I knew you could do it. All you needed was teamwork, cooperation, and friendship to save the day.

JASON: (staring at camera) Yes, we would never have gotten as far as we have with cooperation and teamwork, and certainly not without friendship.

OLD MAN: But this is just the beginning, Pet Savers, of our long work of saving the planet.

CHRIS: Crazy old man. Yeah right.

CUT to above the wreckage. A cloud of smoke hovers over the rubble. A figure suddenly breaks through the cloud.

CEO: How clever I was to store a jetpack in my office!

BENKLEY: I'm glad you gave it a carrying capacity of two.

CEO: Come on, Benkley. This skyscraper means nothing. We have bigger schemes to crack. More plans for the future. This is not the end; it is just the beginning.

(as the CEO steers himself and BENKLEY into the sunset)BENKLEY: Bravo on your optimism, sir. We're probably on "America's Most Wanted" by now.

THE END... ?

E*Trade may need to adjust its advertising gimmick

Toddler buys excavator online

Pet Tamers, Episode 1

There's a fun idea that's been on my mind for a while now. I wasn't planning on doing much with it, though, but it sticks with me and I can already think of a lot of ways to take it...

PET TAMERS:

EPISODE 1 - THE BEGINNING

SCENE: A LABORATORY. Light, generically upbeat music is playing. Pan to a silhouette of an OLD MAN dressed in an old lab coat and ill-fitting gloves. He stands with his back to us, speaking dramatically to the wall.

OLD MAN (excitedly rubbing his hands): It would be understatement to say I've dreamed of this moment... This moment has been the sole reason I devoted myself to science. And now --

(spinning around)

-- you shall carry my dream for me!

CUT to reveal who the man was talking to: five bored teenagers. They are: JASON, a tall, well-built guy with jet-black hair and a calm demeanor; MAGGIE, a tall, brunette girl with a slim figure; CHRIS, a blond guy with an pink T-shirt and bleached jeans; SHANA, a girl of obviously foreign yet indeterminate ethnicity; and PETE, a short boy wearing a blue and green baseball cap and a crimson shirt, completely absorbed in some handheld device that bears absolutely no resemblance to any real-life handheld device whatsoever.

JASON: Yeah, cool, so, how long does this Career Day thing last? I've got football practice to go to.

OLD MAN: It will last for but a mere hour... and also, the rest of your lives.

MAGGIE: Yeah, yeah, cut the moral mumbo-jumbo, what are we doing, anyway?

OLD MAN: Ah, the moment approaches. Step this way.

CHRIS: But we already followed you over here! Don't tell me we only came here so you could talk to the wall!

OLD MAN: No, I came here to... (dramatic camera cut to his head) ...SPEAK TO THE AGES!

MAGGIE: Huh?

OLD MAN: Nothing. Old scientist stuff. You wouldn't get it. Follow me!

The teenagers follow the old man through the building while dangerous-sounding music plays. They enter a large room with ominous scientific beakers and threatening sound effects like snapping electric arcs and dripping liquids. They approach a large table, covered by a lumpy and unshaded yellow tarp.

CLOSE-UP on the OLD MAN.

OLD MAN: Children...

MAGGIE: Hey! Don't call us kids! We're teens!

CHRIS: Yeah! That way kids can look up to us, while we don't have to pretend to know what kids like!

OLD MAN: Whatever... As you know, the Earth is in danger.

MAGGIE: Seems fine to me.

OLD MAN: The environment is being threatened by greedy land-grubbers and crazy lumberjacks!

CHRIS: Actually, there isn't really a definitive threat to the environment. If anything, it's overpopulation, poor government policy, and lack of public concern that is threatening the environment. Which would make it everyone's fault.

OLD MAN (ignoring this): The environment is threatened by crazy, selfish people! And it is up to you to stop them!

CHRIS: First of all, that'd be illegal. Second, we're too busy to go sailing around the world to save the environment.

OLD MAN: That's where you're wrong.

(turns toward the camera as optimistic music plays)

You don't have to go to far off places to help the environment. You can help save the environment right here at home! You can help your family take environmentally-safe measures by saving on electricity and water, riding bicycles or walking instead of riding cars, and participating in community drives to raise public awareness. Write to your congressman and let him know that you care about the environment. Spread the word, and become a pet tamer today!

CHRIS: Uh, you're speaking to the wall again.

OLD MAN (whipping around towards the chil teenagers): Now, look here! Here is how YOU will help defend the planet!

The OLD MAN grabs the canvas and waves it in front of the camera. CUT to just above the table. The focal length is ridiculously small. All six characters gaze downwards, mysteriously silhouetted. Suspenseful music rises.

CUT to the actual table. On the table are five cages, containing a dog, a cat, a hamster, a parakeet, and a lizard, respectively. Focal length returns to normal. Music becomes slow and accentuated by tubas. You know, those instruments that make "WUNNNNNHH WAH WAH WUNNNNH" sounds? That's what's playing right now.

SHANA (with indeterminately foreign accent): How cute!

CHRIS: What is this?

OLD MAN: For many years, I thought long and hard about how to save planet Earth from mankind's wanton destruction.

CLOSE-UP of OLD MAN.

OLD MAN: In case you didn't know, "wanton" (the word WANTON flashes onscreen) means excessive in an immoral way.

NORMAL VIEW.

CHRIS: Uh, yeah, we knew that. We do vocab in English. We're not stupid.

OLD MAN: I ruled out reform bills and lobbying, since those don't work anyway. Then I came up with the solution... (triumphantly pulls out a small metallic object, as the camera sharply zooms in and bright beams of light stream outward) ...THIS WHISTLE!

MAGGIE: A whistle?

OLD MAN: Yes. (trumpets start playing) By using scientifically advanced genetics and large amounts of magic serum, I have enabled these harmless house pets to transform into giant beasts to fight evil and save the planet! All that needs to be done is blow into these specially tuned whistles to trigger the super awesome morphing process, and the newly-formed beasts will obey the will of their whistle's blower for the good of the Earth!

CHRIS: What an incredibly stupid idea!

OLD MAN: And you children... (points his finger in the air) shall become the first to use these biologically enhanced animals. You shall become... the PET TAMERS!

A short pause, as the trumpets finish blaring.

SHANA: That sounds awesome!

CHRIS: Are you nuts? Is this a joke? Morphing into giant beasts, my a--

OLD MAN: Stop! The children!

CHRIS: What children?

OLD MAN: Ah, nothing. Science stuff. You wouldn't understand.

CHRIS: I understand that this is the weirdest, most inefficient, and completely unrealistic way of saving the environment. Not that I care about the environment, anyway.

JASON: But, Chris, we should do what we can to help out.

CHRIS: Hey, you don't seriously buy this crud, do you?

OLD MAN: (to CHRIS) Ahem! The children! (to JASON) Well, since you are clearly the leader of this group, you may have the dog.

CHRIS: Wait, leader? Group? What group? What leader?

MAGGIE: Yeah! Who said Jason's the leader? After all, I'm captain of the tennis team, and Jason's just a quarterback. Shouldn't I be the leader?

CHRIS (muttering): Probably a flagrant reinforcement of gender roles...

OLD MAN: Well, Maggie, you are a bit too arrogant for that role, but you can have the cat. Second best animal, anyway.

CHRIS: Hey, no picking sides! And how do you know our names anyway?

OLD MAN: (to Chris) As for you... well, I was going to give you the hamster, but I think Pete deserves it more than you.

PETE (looking up from his completely non-trademark-infringing handheld): Who, me?

OLD MAN: Yes. I think Chris here should get the lizard.

SHANA: Does that mean I get the bird? All right! I love birds!

CHRIS: At least someone's optimistic.

JASON (to his dog): I wonder what name I should call him. Fido? Max? Champion?

MAGGIE: I already know my cat's name. Lucy. See, she likes it already.

PETE (trying to keep the hamster from curling up on his non-trademark-infringing handheld): Hey!

MAGGIE: So, what about the whistles?

OLD MAN: They are right here.

He holds up a keychain with five whistles. As the music starts swelling, he pulls one of them off and moves it toward the camera slowly as he says:

OLD MAN: Here is your whistle...

(cut to JASON smiling as he holds the whistle in one hand while holding the whistle)

OLD MAN: Jason!

(cut to MAGGIE, in a similar position)

OLD MAN: Maggie!

(cut to SHANA, in a similar position)

OLD MAN: Shana!

(cut to PETE, holding the whistle in his mouth as both hands are on the non-trademark-infringing handheld)

OLD MAN: Pete!

(cut to... nothing)

OLD MAN: ... Chris?

Zoom out to the entire room. CHRIS is at the door.

CHRIS: Screw Career Day. I'm leaving.

JASON: Wait, Chris! (the door slams shut) ... You left your lizard! (holds up Chris's lizard)

The camera pans up. Have the Pet Tamers broken up so soon after their initiation? Only time will tell... Remember, this is just The Beginning...

Kicking off the blog

To the Tucuxi dolphins:

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? Your habitat is being threatened by us humans, and you kill your young? Are you TRYING to go extinct?