Productivity or No?

I’m writing this blog post to describe a difference in experience.

Earlier today I was the timer for a Scholastic Bowl tournament. Feeling creative, I started writing a story in the margins of the score sheet. I had no intention of saving this story; I merely wanted to pass the time, and I could always make another story.

A few of my distant friends who were also timers or moderators enjoyed the story I wrote over 4 sheets. But there was something fundamentally different about this experience than the other times when I was a timer and didn’t write a story. Even though I was more productive in the short term, and just as unproductive in the long term, I am much more unhappy than I would have been if I hadn’t written that story.

Is it the dissatisfaction of leaving the story behind? I left the story open-ended to ease the transition between rounds, and I already have ideas for where the characters could go next. Would it have been better if I had not created any characters, and not created any story, and therefore would not be distressed about what would happen next, and spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been?

Indeed, I live with many regrets of past projects. Most of them were formed when I was young, and I can assure myself that those projects were immature and silly. But as I grow older, I have better ideas that crowd up my mind. And I have to choose a few to keep, and the rest to let go. If only I had a friend who could tell me which ones were worth saving!

New Years Resolution

I am typing this from my bed for a good reason.

I have done so little to show who I am to the world. And every moment I dwell on that fact, a fear inside me burns deeper and deeper. I go to sleep to forget about it, and it works, but soon those nights themselves burn deeper within me, and I realize that I’m wasting my life.

I have ideas. Bold ideas. I don’t know if they’re great ideas, but I think they’re great. What I want is to show them to everyone else. But I can’t. They’re trapped in my mind.

Those ideas in my mind used to be toys to me when I was little. I didn’t need to play with anyone else, because I had my own toys to play with.

What a selfish fool I was.

Ever since I matured, and my powers of empathy swelled, I realize that no one else knows what I’ve been thinking. I can’t trust anyone to tell me that I am great because the puerile work I gave them when I was young is still up to snuff. I want to show them my dreams. I want to show them my toys. But they’re like fossils, perfectly formed, and up to me and only me to dig out, careful not to crack them, careful to get them clean.

And it takes so long to know how to use the right axe. But I can’t go asking people for tools, because they don’t know me. I can’t show it to them, because only I know their form in the rock, and to let someone else dig them up would inevitably break them.

So it’s just me, with my little knife, digging things up.

Honesty. How can I be honest? I don’t know what’s right or wrong in this world. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t part of this world. Why is it so hard to share my toys with the world?

……

I wish I could go to the Illinois Institute of Art. I wish I could let them accept me. I have to go to art school. It’s not just a hypothetical fantasy. It’s the only thing I have left to live on. I need to know how to use those tools. I need to get those tools.

And I don’t really care about Mal and Belle anymore. The Sims 3 is less exciting than I thought. I don’t care about Pet Tamers, either. It’s just not the sort of thing I like.

My goal by the end of the year? Make some spectacular. Something that will make me known. Even just in an obscure way to a community, or even to a single person, would be good enough for me.

Life’s meaning is unintelligible. Its absence more so.

No updates? This is not good! Terrible things will happen if there are no updates! My house could be razed! Famine could ensue! I could be run over by a truck and die alone in a hospital! I MUST pursue the ever-lasting dream of weblogging!

Reasons? You want reasons for why I’ve been away? I’ve been busy, okay? I’ve been trying out new things, getting involved in a community, working on fun projects. Why should I blog about my miscellany of (what’s an m-word meaning “random stuff”?) miscellanea?

A few days ago, I bought Spore. Three days later, I bought the expansion pack. When you ignore the whole lack of gameplay, it’s actually pretty fun. There’s no way I could ever make a game that could best it, and that’s certainly worth my money, right?

I make a terrible critic.

So, yes, personal junk I can throw on here. Let’s see what I got…

Oh, yeah, I got a DeviantArt page here. Right now, only thing I got is a sketch I made of some cartoon faces. It’s in my scrapbook.

Yeah, I should do more, but I feel uncomfortable following my desires whenever my college graduate brother comes in, listens to anime music, and watches TF2 videos. Which is every single day in existence.

Well, that’s about it. I’m working off and on on the little stuff. Like Pet Tamers. Miscellaneous comics. Tell me what you want me to do. Anything. Come on, anything! A good burst of communal activity could energize me, and increase my devotion, my dedication, and more updates could ensue!

Unbirthday Presents

I love getting packages that I buy for myself. Because they’re just like… well, read the title. Course, real unbirthday presents would arrive on every one of my unbirthdays, and most of the unbirthday presents that do arrive are for my parents. Not to say that I’m jealous, as they’re typically either pathetic coupons, bills, or invitations to a private retreat. Actually, that last one doesn’t sound too bad.

Well, four days ago, on Tuesday, I ordered a graphics tablet on eBay. They sent it on Wednesday, and I expected it to arrive in three days’ time. Sure enough, it arrived today. The postal system has never failed me. I don’t know why everyone makes such a deal about lost packages. Maybe that’s just TV Land.

So, I got my graphics tablet, and the first thing I had to do with it was to try it out. I put pen to plastic, and within an hour, I had created something that was actually… pretty bad. I had basically just started doing a face, starting with the eye, but no sooner did I zoom out that I realized that it was going to suck. Just look at it…

I started out with the basic anime-style eye, because I’d never done one before, and I saw someone else drawing it and thought, “I could do that”. And then I started shading it. Ugh. Important lesson in art styles: NEVER mix the two, except for deliberate effect. There was NOT meant to be an effect here, and so it fails. If you look at a real eye…

… you can see that there’s no difference between the “anime cornea” and the “real-life cornea” as I imagined it. Again, the lesson here is “do your research before you do something different”.

Also, I didn’t draw an eyelid either. And the eyebrow is too low. At least I put the bridge of the nose in the right spot; that counts for something, right?

And in case you’re wondering, here’s the full picture as I discarded it:

Text Comic

This week, I've been working at the secretary's office at the county fairgrounds, as I have been for the past 4 or 5 summers. Yet despite the fact that I might have more job potential than data entry, I love working there. I get such a euphoria from hammering away at the keys, typing stuff into the computer. Could be something to do with my autism.

There are many perks. The building is air-conditioned, I'm on good terms with my boss, there's plenty of free time but plenty of work to even it out, and I work with two good-looking girls my age. Not that I care for those girls at all, mind you, but it's good to have similarly aged coworkers.

Anyways, I was bored one day, and I started playing with Word. And I eventually wound up with this piece, a text-based comic made with Courier New and Webdings:

I tried uploading it as text, but it wouldn't work. Web browsers and blogs handle text in a very "special" manner. The Courier print doesn't line up perfectly, and the Webdings are tricky to fit in. If I was patient enough, and I fiddled with the HTML code long enough (and knew more HTML coding), I could probably get it to work. But until Blogger decides to host Word documents, sorry.