Pet Tamers, Episode 12

Yeah, I usually average two in a month, so sorry about not putting any up in November. Here’s our long-expected installment:

PET TAMERS

Episode 12: Hot Fudge Syrup

EXT. OUTHOUSE. JASON, CHRIS, CHELSEA, MILES, and RUSS stand outside. CHEE sits on the car hood. The thunder and rain gently rap against the car.

CHELSEA: Where’s “here”? Where are they?

JASON: They’re in that building right there.

CHELSEA: In the bathroom?

JASON: Watch.

Jason walks up to the outhouse.

RUSS (whispers): You want to ditch these kids right now?

MILES (back): Not yet. Let’s wait until they go inside.

Jason opens the outhouse door. Nothing is inside, not even a toilet; all there is is an empty floor.

CHRIS: Well, that was a waste of time. Do you want to head back?

JASON: No. They have to be here. Chee can’t be wrong.

CHRIS: We only have your word for that. And that dead old guy.

JASON: Perhaps… It’s underneath us. Chris, get Ticonderoga.

CHRIS: What?

JASON: My dog. Get him.

CHRIS: You mean Tiberius?

JASON: No, his name is Ticonderoga. Get him out here now.

Chris gets Tiberius Ticonderoga and leads him out of the car. Chelsea, Miles and Russ look on credulously.

CHELSEA: What are you doing?

CHRIS: Stand back.

JASON pulls out his whistle and blows it.

Cue the rock music, the spinning, and the transformation of the dog into a wolf.

CHELSEA (backing up): Whoa… disturbing.

MILES: What the—what was—how did—?

RUSS: That was incredible! (whispering) Almost like the dinosaur…

JASON: Go sniff out that outhouse, Ticonderoga!

Ticonderoga traipses over to the building, sniffs it, and growls.

JASON: What is it, boy? You smell something?

CHRIS (to CHELSEA): Yes, this is how it always is. (to MILES and RUSS) What are you two doing?

MILES: Nothing!

RUSS (whispering): No miniature dinosaurs. But these guys are still suspicious…

JASON: Something’s not right with the outhouse, is it?

Ticonderoga paws at the floor. A chink of the floorboard falls away.

JASON: That’s it… I see! It’s hollow underneath! Dig, Ticonderoga, dig!

Ticonderoga bashes at the floorboards with his paws, and the boards begin to come loose.

INT. THE DINING ROOM. MS. VAN DELL is still talking, while almost everyone else waits impatiently with boredom. BENKLEY, however, listens with fascination. MS. VAN DELL is now showing off a map of various air bases.

MS. VAN DELL: …provided we have enough funds, of course. Now, these red dots, those are the locations of our sympathizers; and they would have the…

RUBINO: Ahem!

RUBINO has lost most of his patience by this point. He glares at Ms. Van Dell.

RUBINO: Thank you for the information, ma’am, but I was under the impression you had some items to show us.

MS. VAN DELL: Well, sir, as I explained earlier, we know the locations of these items, and all we need to retrieve them is a group of volunteers, such as the men around this table, to provide funds and…

RUBINO: If you do not have something to share with us, then sit down and let’s move on.

MS. VAN DELL: Just use security clearance IH-309…

RUBINO: Sit, or my partner here will make you sit.

MAURICE stands at attention, exposing his rifle.

MS. VAN DELL: I see.

She withdraws her holographic gun and sits.

RUBINO: Thank you. Now then, Dylan Quint, I hope you’ve got something worth saying.

DYLAN: Yes, I do!

DYLAN pounds his fists on the table, causing the wine glasses to splash.

DYLAN: We have assassins who are after us! We don’t have time for scavenger hunts! I say we fight them now! Find them, or get out your weapons and shoot them when they find you!

Dylan springs upon his revolver and draws it out, causing the dinner party to recoil instinctively.

DYLAN: We’re up against animals! We’ve fought worse enemies before! We’ve bested the law, the government, and business rivals! Why should we be afraid of these dumb brutes? I say, we fight now, before…

Dylan is interrupted by a noise from the corridor outside the dining room.

DYLAN: It’s too late! They’re already here! Get out your guns, men! We’ll end this today!

RUBINO: Mr. Quint, calm down! Maurice, go investigate.

DYLAN: Did anyone else remember to pack a gun? Or am I going to take them down myself?

Maurice strides to the door while everyone else sits quietly.

MS. VAN DELL: Paris.

PARIS steps forth with a suitcase. She puts it on the table and opens it. The briefcase is filled with handguns.

Dylan grabs a fistful of guns and tosses them across the room.

DYLAN: Let’s go, men! For valor!

Dylan charges out the door, screaming wildly. Most of the other members follow him. The only ones who stay are the CEO, Benkley, Ms. Van Dell, Paris, EDWARD CASA, and Rubino.

CEO: I don’t do gunfights. It ain’t proper business.

Edward walks to the corner and pushes a brick. A section of the wall slides open.

EDWARD: Let’s see what’s up.

RUBINO: Impressive. How many secret passages did you install?

EDWARD: Plenty.

Edward and Rubino exit through the passage. The CEO follows on their heels, and Benkley follows him.

MS. VAN DELL: Come on, Paris.

Paris closes the briefcase and follows Ms. Van Dell after them.

INT. one corridor in a maze of corridors. CHRIS is confronting JASON over a fallen suit of armor that TICONDEROGA is sniffing. CHELSEA stands nearby, holding BALDWIN, CHEE, LUCY, and CHRIS’S LIZARD.

CHRIS: Can’t you keep quiet for just one minute?

JASON: He couldn’t help it.

CHRIS: There goes our element of surprise.

CHELSEA: What do we do if someone finds us?

JASON: Let’s split up. Chelsea, you’d better come with me. You two – where did those two men go?

CHRIS: They ditched us!

MAURICE (from a corner in the hallway): Hey! You!

JASON: Change of plan! Ticonderoga, get him!

Ticonderoga charges forward. MAURICE draws his rifle and shoots wildly at him.

CHELSEA (running down a hallway): Oh G(bang!), I’m gonna die!

CHRIS (hiding behind a suit of armor): Chelsea, come back! Dang! Jason, do something!

Ticonderoga faces off against Maurice, but Maurice swipes his rifle at him every time he draws near.

JASON: Come on, Ticonderoga!

DYLAN (distant): There they are! I see them! Let’s go! (guns go off in the distance)

JASON: It’s no use! Run!

Jason and Ticonderoga run away from Maurice down the opposite hallway. Maurice chases after him.

CHRIS: Wait! What do I—?

He cuts short as Dylan and several other gun-shooting mobsters rampage down the hallway, and discreetly hides behind the armor holding his breath.

CUT TO a camera view of Chris hiding behind the armor.

EDWARD: So, we have some schoolchildren vandalizing our property? I’ll have to install an electric fence.

INT. the surveillance room. RUBINO, BENKLEY, and MS. VAN DELL watch over EDWARD, who is seated and watching the cameras. PARIS and the CEO stand against the wall, uninterested in the action.

RUBINO: That boy with the wolf… where’s he going?

EDWARD: Headed down the east wing, nearing the armory.

BENKLEY: Why is the wolf following him?

RUBINO: Who cares? (pulls out a mike hidden in his shirt collar) Maurice, restrain the wolf, then capture the boy and put him with the others.

EDWARD: Speaking of which…

Edward points to a camera of Chelsea running down a hallway.

INT. the hallway in real-life. Chelsea furtively looks behind her to the distant sounds of gunshots and people screaming. She opens a rather conspicuously placed door and enters.

INT. a staircase. Chelsea closes the door behind her, sighing in relief. Lucy squirms out of Chelsea’s arms and descends the staircase.

CHELSEA: Hey! Come back here!

MAGGIE (from afar): Chelsea! Is that you?

INT. the dungeon. Lucy enters and runs toward Maggie.

CHELSEA: Maggie? What—Why—people are shooting each other!

MAGGIE: Yeah, we heard.

CHELSEA (noticing the chains): You need any help there?

MAGGIE: Oh no, we were just about to escape on our own.

PETE: Do you have Baldwin?

CHELSEA: Oh, uh… which one is him?

PETE: The hamster. I have the whistle in my pocket.

CHELSEA: Whistle?

MAGGIE: Yeah, uh, you know what I was telling you, about the group I told you I joined?

CHELSEA: No, not really. I just heard you got kidnapped.

MAGGIE: Well, you see…

The distant cellar door opens and echoes. Footsteps approach.

MAGGIE: Quick! The whistle on my neck! Get it, Chelsea!

VOICE: Who’s down here?

Chelsea drops the pets and rushes to Maggie. She picks up the whistle and starts to take it off.

MAGGIE: No! In here! (opening her mouth)

The footsteps reach the door. A random bad-guy stands, looking hostilely at Chelsea.

BAD-GUY: You! You’re not going anywhere, you!

Chelsea pushes the whistle into Maggie’s mouth, whereupon she blows furiously upon the whistle.

Lucy takes on an equally hostile look, fixing her eyes on the bad-guy. She races to him, growing larger with every step to a panther.

BAD-GUY: Whoa! Wahhh!!!

The bad-guy turns his heel and flees upstairs, Lucy chasing after him.

CHELSEA: That was even more disturbing.

MAGGIE: Any time you want to free us. No pressure.

CHELSEA: Well, what do I do?

PETE: The whistle in my pocket.

CHELSEA: Which pocket?

PETE: The right one.

Chelsea steps up to Pete, and stops.

CHELSEA (wrinkling her nose): You stink.

MAGGIE: Chelsea!

CHELSEA: When was the last time you showered?

MAGGIE: We don’t have time for this, Chelsea! Just do it!

CHELSEA: Yuck! I don’t want to touch him!

MAGGIE: For Pete’s sake! And mine!

Chelsea reaches out and puts her hand into the pocket. She pulls out a whistle with her fingers and throws it at Pete.

MAGGIE: Put it in his mouth!

CHELSEA: No! This is disgusting!

MAGGIE: Fine! Put it in my mouth!

CHELSEA: I’m sorry, this is too disgusting for me!

MAGGGIE: Chelsea, we’re chained up in a dungeon! Could you at least act like this is a serious situation?

CHELSEA: I’m sorry, this is just… I can’t handle this! I was just getting shot at a few minutes!

SHANA: Pete, kick it over.

PETE: What?

Shana is slipping off her shoes and socks, exposing her feet. She holds her foot out, her toes wriggling.

SHANA: Come on, I’ll catch it.

Pete, incredulous, slides the whistle off his shirt and onto the ground, and then kicks it over to Shana. Shana delicately picks up the whistle with her toes, and with incredible flexibility, brings the whistle up to her mouth and blows.

Baldwin turns into a bear, and in a single blow to the chains, Pete becomes free. Two more blows, and Maggie and Shana lower their arms with relief.

PETE: Since when were you so acrobatic?

SHANA: Well, I’m foreign. We foreigners know all sorts of things normal people don’t know.

CHELSEA: Uh, what?

SHANA: Let’s not stay here! Let’s get Lucy and then get out of here!

MAGGIE: So, Chelsea, how did you get here anyway? How did you find us?

CHELSEA: It’s a long story…

Everyone hurries up the stairs.

Pet Tamers, Episode 11

I should stop saying “The payoff is coming! The payoff is coming!” First, this story does not seem headed towards the payoff I promised; second, this story has a way of changing itself…

PET TAMERS

Episode 11: Ice Cream Sundaes

EXT. of an OUTHOUSE. The sky is a torpid gray stew of wind howling through the snake-like grass. Two figures, clothed in the darkness of the night, approach the rusty, beaten door of the outhouse. The taller one knocks loudly.

CLOSE-UP of the OUTHOUSE DOOR. A slit opens up. Lightning briefly reveals the two eyes staring out.

DOORMAN: This seat is occupied.

TALL FIGURE: And we will follow.

The slit closes again, and the door opens. The two figures walk in.

INSIDE. It is dark; only the dim grayness of the night seeps through the cracks in the walls. A motor starts up, and a black mass moves downward.

DOORMAN: You’re a day late.

SHORT FIGURE: We would have come here sooner, if Benkley hadn’t lost our luggage.

The lights turn on. The DOORMAN operates an elevator as the CEO and BENKLEY address each other.

BENKLEY: I did not lose the luggage, sir. It was likely misplaced by the airport.

CEO: Don’t try your blame game! You’re my valet, you should have foreseen that and prevented it!

BENKLEY: It was a grave error on my part, sir. I gladly take responsibility. I can replace everything, sir.

CEO: You can’t replace money, Benkley! People take it! And people like us have to either take it back, or find someone else to take it from!

BENKLEY: If I may supply my own opinions, sir, I only take what you give me.

CEO: And that’s why you’re not a CEO.

The elevator comes to a stop.

OUTSIDE the elevator, a man is waiting for the two comrades.

MAN: Greetings to you, Mr. Julius Swaggert. How was your trip?

CEO: You must be Il Rubino.

RUBINO: The one and same. I am glad to see that you two are safe, especially after… your tragic loss.

CEO: I’m not here to discuss past business, don. Tell me about this deal of yours.

RUBINO (turning aside): And this must be Benkley. How do you do, sir?

BENKLEY: Quite well, sir.

RUBINO: Curt little worm. Careful with him; a servant like him gets stale early.

CEO: I am an important businessman, don, and I have investments to monitor back home. Tell us what this business of yours is, so that we can be on our way.

RUBINO: Maurice!

Young, cleanly-dressed man rushes up.

MAURICE: Yes, sir?

RUBINO: Show these two to our guest quarters. Have we heard from our three absentee guests?

MAURICE: Yes, sir. One has a date, another has a bad case of conjunctivitis, and the other had an unexpected delivery of fresh salmon to her company’s doorstep.

RUBINO: The ungratefulness. Come, I’ll deal with those three privately. Start the preparations, Maurice, we’re havin’ the meeting after dinner.

MAURICE: And the children?

RUBINO: Yes, feed them, too. You know what I said about them.

BENKLEY: Children?

RUBINO: Maurice, please show the two to their rooms, while I don my evening wear.

MAURICE: Come right this way, gentlemen.

MEANWHILE, in a STONE BASEMENT (note: tell the art department to stop making their stone basements look like dungeons), MAGGIE, SHANA, and PETE lay shackled to the wall.

PETE: I’m scared.

MAGGIE: Don’t worry.

PETE: Without my Gameberry, I feel alone.

MAGGIE: We’ll get out of this.

PETE: All my saved games were on it! What if it’s gone forever? All that work for nothing…

MAGGIE: Suppose Jason and Chris are coming to save us.

SHANA: After that fight we saw, I think it is more likely Jason is coming alone.

MAGGIE: Come on. Chris wouldn’t just abandon us. Would he?

The DOOR above creaks opens.

MAGGIE (whispering): Remember, say nothing. Tell them nothing about the whistles.

MAURICE appears in the doorway, though the kids do not know his name.

MAURICE (tossing some vegetables at the kids): Here, dinner.

MAURICE leaves. The door above shuts loudly.

PETE: They’re not too interested in us, are they?

MAGGIE: Well, let’s hope it stays that way.

PETE: I just want my Gameberry back.

CLOSE-UP of a WINE GLASS. A fork clangs against the rim.

RUBINO: Gentlemen! Ladies! Your attention!

THE DINNER PARTY. Most of the guests ignore Rubino, too busy drinking, eating, and conversing amongst themselves to notice him.

RUBINO (howling): YOUR ATTENTION!!

The guests quiet themselves and turn to Rubino.

RUBINO: My friends. My soon-to-be friends. Thank you all for attending. It is a privilege and an honor to have such esteemed guests in my halls.

Rubino gestures to a well-built man with red hair.

RUBINO: First, I would like to thank Mr. Casa here for the construction of this hideout. He has exceeded my expectations, and I have high hopes for this place. Everyone, Mr. Edward Casa.

Mr. EDWARD CASA stands courteously and nods politely while the guests politely applaud.

RUBINO: Remember, gentlemen, this home is not only my home, but yours. If at any time you need some place to settle or hide, please feel free at any time to drop by. My two colleagues will see to your satisfaction.

THE STONE BASEMENT.

RUBINO (muffled, distant): Now then, for the main order of business…

MAGGIE (whispering): Is there a party upstairs?

PETE: Shh!

RUBINO: …has acquired some very interesting pieces. Ms. Van Dell, would you care to present your wares?

A HAND slaps down on the dinner table.

MS. AVA VAN DELL, a wiry woman with streaks in her curled red hair, stands at attention, her hand firm against the table.

MS. VAN DELL: Certainly. Paris!

PARIS, an even thinner woman with jet-black hair, rises from her seat and hands MS. VAN DELL a device that looks vaguely like a radar gun. Ms. Van Dell firmly raises it above the table and, with a flourish, flicks the switch on the gun’s side. A holographic display spews outward, bathing the dinner party in bluish light.

MS. VAN DELL (firmly): See this, everyone?

The hologram is displaying some news footage – specifically, the same news footage that was seen in episode 3.

MS. VAN DELL: THIS is the news footage of the monster that destroyed Swaggert Tower.

MR. SWAGGERT puts his hand to his face and turns away from the hologram.

MS. VAN DELL (con’t): Footage that was made immediately after the attack, and mysteriously disappeared from the news studio just minutes from being aired.

Ms. Van Dell turns to Rubino.

MS. VAN DELL: Our host, Mr. Rubino, took their videotape of the intended broadcast, keeping it as a personal trinket. I do hope he does not mind if I share my OWN copy with you all.

Rubino maintains a dignified air.

MS. VAN DELL: The disappearance of the phyiscal media was, of course, all Mr. Rubino’s, but the virtual media’s disappearance was all my doing. I am the only person in the world with a copy of this – monster!

Rubino, still dignified, bears but the slightest mark of impatience.

MS. VAN DELL: Gentlemen! This monster is a threat to us all! If it could destroy a skyscraper, what else could it do? Destroy a city? Surely an army can take it down, you say. Gentlemen…

(MS. VAN DELL pushes a button on her gun)

MS. VAN DELL (con’t): … he’s already taken down an army!

The hologram now displays surveillance footage of a parking lot. The dinosaur’s foot kicks several gangsters. Other gangsters run away, but a panther leaps from offscreen onto them.

MS. VAN DELL: Three days after the first attack, the monster was seen attacking in the parking lot of a local office. Taken straight from the surveillance cameras, not even Rubino has this footage.

Rubino’s dignified stance is increasingly degrading into irritation.

MS. VAN DELL: First, notice that the dinosaur is not the only monster at the scene. You can see the vicious wild cat plainly enough. But right HERE…

Ms. Van Dell pauses the video and zooms in towards a blurry figure, who despite being unrecognizable, is clearly directing the panther with his hands.

MS. VAN DELL: Somebody is LEADING these monsters.

CUT to a distant shot of the outhouse. Rain and wind pour down against the earth.

MS. VAN DELL (V.O.): Someone is behind this. Someone has a great power in their hands, leading us down a winding path, waiting for the right time to pull the rug out from underneath us.

A car pulls up. Chee lands on the hood. A car door opens and slams shut.

JASON: This is it. We’re here.

Pet Tamers, Episode 10

I find myself at a quandary sometimes; should I stick to fictional conventions, or realistic conventions? Should I attempt to make an awesome and original story, or continue my premise of parodying kids’ shows while mixing in my own brand of originality? Actually, I think I just answered that question.

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 10: Reparative Reparations

EXT. THE SCIENTIST’S WAREHOUSE. JASON drives up to the warehouse, CHRIS rides in the front, and CHELSEA rides in the back, with all five of the pets also seated in the back.

Jason gets out of the car and picks up Pete’s hamster BALDWIN, and takes the leash of his dog.

CHELSEA: You’re taking them in with you?

JASON: Eno will know what to do with them.

Chelsea looks skeptically at Jason.

JASON: Bring along the other two.

Jason turns towards the building. Chelsea turns and picks up Maggie’s cat LUCY and Shana’s bird CHEE. Chelsea looks at Chris’s lizard, then up at Chris, who sits sullenly in his seat.

CHELSEA: Can you get the lizard?

Chris silently gets out of his seat and picks up the lizard as Chelsea follows Jason.

CHELSEA: So, what’s your crazy plan, exactly?

JASON: Eno gave us these whistles, and these pets. If Maggie, Shana, and Pete still have their whistles with them, I’m sure he can help us track them down.

Jason opens up the warehouse door.

INSIDE THE WAREHOUSE, the door opens and echoes its squeak across the dark, empty interior. The only light comes from the open door.

JASON: Hello?

Chelsea flicks on a light switch before this cliche goes on any further.

Unfortunately, some cliches just won’t die, as sprawled across the empty floor, the old scientist Eno lies gasping for air.

JASON: Eno!

Jason rushes to Eno’s side. Soft, sad music starts playing. Chelsea and Chris enter skeptically, though we can’t tell because they’re out of focus.

JASON: Eno, what happened? Your lab!

ENO: Ohhh… my time is coming, Jason… I won’t have much longer.

CHRIS (whispering to CHELSEA): You wanna go someplace while these two finish?

CHELSEA (whispering): No way.

JASON: Eno, you can’t go! You need your help! Three of us have been kidnapped by a gang of criminals!

ENO: Uhh… you’ll pull through, Jason. You’ll find a way, like you always do.

JASON: But you’re the only one who can help us! Tell me, you made these whistles, right? Is there some sort of… tracker device you have, a detection system, something to locate them?

ENO: No… of course not… I didn’t… it’s too late for that…

JASON: What about the pets? Can they do anything, like tell where their masters are and such?

ENO: I… I only developed the whistles… nothing else…

CHRIS (muttering): What a waste of time…

ENO: But… there is something… I know… a pet… always knows where to find… the person who… loves it… the most……

The sad music swells to a climax.

JASON: Eno? Eno!

CHRIS: Oh, Jason? Should we call the paramedics, or is too late for that?

JASON: Eno! Nooooo, Enoooooo!

Chris yawns. Chelsea blinks.

JASON: (incomprehensible sobbing)

CHRIS: So, wait, why is his lab empty again? Why were the lights turned off? How is the timing so convenient?

JASON (springing up, not the slightest bit sad): Chris, what did he mean? That pets can find the people who love them the most?

CHRIS: In my opinion, I think it means his brain shut down and he went delirious.

JASON: What if… what if we used Maggie’s, or Shana’s, or Pete’s pets to find where they are? What if they know where they are?

CHRIS: Pets don’t have a sixth sense. Come on, I thought this was an educational show!

JASON: Don’t be silly, you crazy Chris. This isn’t a show.

CHRIS: Don’t play dumb, Jason, I’m pretty sure, since the last episode, this is a show.

JASON (darkly): Would you rather it wasn’t a show, Chris?

CHRIS: Um… well, no, nevermind.

JASON: Let’s see… Baldwin won’t do, because Pete treated him so poorly… Lucy’s better, but she ran away from Maggie, so… what about Chee? Didn’t Shana say she loved birds?

CHRIS: Well, you know me. I’m crazy Chris, I can barely remember anything.

JASON: I bet it will work. It has to work! It’s the only thing we’ve got left.

CHELSEA: What are we doing, again?

JASON: We’re going to let Chee tell us where Shana and the rest of them are.

CHELSEA: Oh. Really?

CUT to a country road, acres of farmland on either side. CHEE flies overhead, while JASON drives after it. CHELSEA sits in the front seat, while CHRIS and the other pets sit in the back.

CHELSEA: What do we do if Chee gets tired?

JASON: She won’t. She’ll pull through.

Chris starts to say something, but decides against it.

CHELSEA: I should’ve told my parents I’d be gone for some time.

JASON: Oh, don’t worry about your parents. They don’t need to know about this.

Chelsea gives Chris an apprehensive look, but Chris is too busy thinking to notice her.

CUT to another section of road. MILES and RUSS, still wearing their airport maintenance uniforms, are standing on the side, trying to catch a ride. Their jetpack lies nearby.

RUSS (shouting): Somebody?

MILES: It’s no use. We’re only a few miles from the city. A trooper’s going to come along any moment, recognize us, and throw us back in the slammer, or worse.

RUSS: Well, maybe we didn’t fill up as much as we should have, maybe the jetpack has a bad gas mileage.

MILES: I say, we should just cut through these cornfields. We need to get away as fast as possible, and off the roads as much as possible.

RUSS: The police will alert every town in the area and let us know we’re on the loose. And we don’t have any supplies for a cross-country run, no food or water. We’re better off trying to hitchhike.

MILES: Who the heck would pick up hitchhikers these days?

A familiar-looking car pulls up alongside them.

JASON: Do you two need a ride somewhere?

RUSS: Oh, why, yes. If you could afford the time to help two strangers.

JASON: Sure, get in.

CHELSEA: What?

CHRIS (near simultaneously): What?

JASON: Could you make some room, Chris?

Chris reluctantly pulls all the animals onto his side and his lap as Miles and Russ enter the car with the jetpack.

CHRIS (awkwardly): Uh, nice backpack.

Jason starts up the car and drives off.

RUSS: Okay, son, if you could drop us off, like, 20 miles east of here, just north of Scramblersville, there should be a little red house…

JASON (breaking in): Sorry, we’re not headed that way. We’re going north.

RUSS: What?

JASON (pointing up): After that bird.

Miles and Russ exchange looks.

MILES (whispering): We jumped in a loony car.

RUSS (whispering): It’s better than a trooper, though.

CHRIS: Trooper?

RUSS: Nothing, kid. Just go where you want, driver, we’re fine with it.

MILES: Are we?

RUSS (whispering): It doesn’t matter where we’re headed, as long as we’re headed away from the city. We’ll wait until they stop, then figure out what to do from there. Okay?

MILES (whispering): Well, okay.

CHELSEA (whispering to JASON): Is it legal to pick up hitchhikers around here?

JASON (out loud): Why not? I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.

CHELSEA (over JASON): Sh! Shh! Okay, okay! It’s fine! Sorry I asked.

The five drive off into the distance, where yet another episode looms before them…

Mal And Belle: Mundane Monday

Around mid-day, Mal finally woke up from his sleep.

Mal has the lifetime wish of being the emperor of evil. Therefore, it only makes sense that he wants to get a job in the criminal department.

There wasn’t a job available yesterday, but today, there’s an opening. The classifieds are weird like that.

So while Mal sets down the paper and celebrates by watching TV, work ends for Belle.

After receiving her paycheck, Belle, being good, wants to donate to charity (like Alice famously does). But Belle is tired; getting up early last night didn’t help her much. But I insist that she makes a donation so I can have her do something interesting.

Meanwhile, Mal is watching TV for ideas on potential world domination.

After a while, though, he gets hungry, and gets up to eat something, when he spots…

… the leftover salad from last night.

Having the slob trait, Mal has no qualms about eating the rotting, maggot-infested salad.

After his less-than-nutritious meal, Mal decides to get a head-start on his criminal career with some aerobic exercises…

… followed by some air guitar and gorilla poses.

Mal cools down in the shower, and then plops back onto the couch to watch something… er, non-criminal-related.

Pet Tamers, Episode 9

Well, this episode goes without saying. Except that you’re going to need to start reading from the first episode before this will make sense.

PET TAMERS

Episode 9: Cross Sections

JASON’S HOUSE. AFTERNOON.

CHRIS: You know, it’s been how many days since Maggie, Shana and Pete got kidnapped, and no one’s been talking about it at all.

JASON: The police have probably been keeping this under wraps.

CHRIS: You can’t keep a kidnapping under wraps. What about their parents? What about their friends?

A serendipitous knock on the door.

JASON: Who could that be?

Jason opens the door. Standing there is CHELSEA, who was last seen in Episode 3.

CHELSEA: What did you two do to her?

JASON: To who?

Chris suddenly looks up.

CHELSEA: Maggie. She wasn’t at school today, and no one said anything. You two did something to her, didn’t you?

JASON: See, Chris, someone noticed.

CHRIS: You didn’t say it.

JASON: Say what?

CHRIS: Whom. You said “to who”, not “to whom”. You made a mistake! You just made a grammatical mistake! Ha! This is awesome.

The words WHO and WHOM appear onscreen.

CHRIS: Wait, no! No! I take that back!

JASON: “Who” and “whom” are two commonly confused words. They both ask about which person you’re talking about, but how do you know which to use?

While Jason was talking, the background has changed from Jason’s living room to a white, featureless room, with Chris being the only other person with Jason.

CHRIS: No! I don’t want this to be educational! Turn it back!

JASON: The answer is the prepositions. If there aren’t any prepositions like “to” or “from” at the beginning or the end, then you use “who”. Otherwise, use “whom”. Just look at these two sentences.

Two sentences appear with blanks: ____ ARE YOU? and ____ ARE YOU TALKING TO?

CHRIS: Oh, why? Why do you do this?

JASON: Chris, can you tell me which word to use in each sentence?

CHRIS: What are you, Jason? And who are you talking to?

JASON: Oh, you couldn’t be more wrong. The first is WHO are you, but the second one is WHOM are you talking to, because of the “to” at the end.

CHRIS: Knock it off with the education thing! Hey kids! You use “he” for guys, and “she” for girls, but what if you don’t know if the person is a guy or girl? You could say “it”, but that would be impersonal and rude, so you combine all three pronouns together and say “shi-

JASON: YOU IMBECILE!!!

The white background is replaced with a black background. Chris is suddenly suspended over a pit of spikes, while a long sharp spike is pointed directly at his throat. Jason stares and floats ominously overhead.

JASON: Don’t you EVER try to ruin THIS SHOW! Don’t you EVER say such naughty words, or MOCK MY WHOLESOME LESSONS!

CHRIS: Where am I? What (gags and chokes, as Jason’s stare intensifies)

JASON: If you EVER cross me AGAIN, you will be GONE from this show. FOREVER. DO YOU HEAR ME?

The spike edges closer and closer to Chris’s throat.

CHRIS (turning blue): Y-y-gah-uh-yehhsssggg…

JASON: Good. (the background becomes lighter again, Jason faces the audience) Nothing happened, kids. You didn’t see anything scary happening. I mean, look at me. Don’t I look like a nice guy? You can trust me, right, kids? Oh, by the way, you’d say, “he or she”, and never “they”.

CHELSEA: They what?

The background is once again Jason’s living room. Chris lies in the floor, gasping for breath, Jason stands as before, and Chelsea looks curiously at the two.

JASON: Nothing, Chelsea. We were just about to go looking for her ourselves. Right, Chris?

CHRIS: R-right. (gasps)

CHELSEA: Did Chris pass out all of a sudden? He was fine a second ago.

JASON: Oh, Chris is just like that. He’s always doing silly stuff. Don’t you, Chris?

CHRIS: (stands) No, no I don’t. He—(suddenly slips and falls)

JASON: See? That’s our Chris.

CHELSEA: Look, I don’t care much about what you two are doing. But if you have any idea where Maggie is, then I’m coming along.

JASON: But Chelsea, it could be dangerous. They’re being held hostage by an evil gang of criminals.

CHELSEA: Er… I’m not going to ask why and how, but Maggie’s my friend, and I have to make sure she’s safe. Plus, I have something I have to tell her.

JASON: What’s that?

CHELSEA: (pulls out Maggie’s cat Lucy) That I finally found her cat.

Jason looks at Lucy, and then smiles.

JASON: Come on, Chris. I’ve got an idea.

CHRIS: Good, good. It’s good that you come up with good ideas. All good.

CHELSEA: I hope he isn’t always going to be like this.

JASON: Oh, you’ll get used to it.

MUSIC PLAYS, FADE IN FADE OUT to the AIRPORT.

MILES: Well, here we are at the airport. What now?

RUSS: Mr. X told us to go to the airport and dress properly.

MILES: What do you think he meant by “dress properly”?

MAN (offscreen): Blast!

Miles and Russ turn towards the sound. Two familiar-looking men are here, standing over a broken suitcase.

IMPORTANT-LOOKING MAN: Darn you, Benkley! I told you to handle those suitcases carefully!

BENKLEY: Sorry, sir. But a disassembled jetpack is very heavy.

MAN: Well, then just leave it! We’re going to miss our flight, and I have plenty of money for another jetpack. Too bad I don’t have enough money for a new valet!

BENKLEY (as the two rush off): Frankly, sir, did I ever mention how much I love this job?

Miles and Russ watch the two men walk off. They turn towards the suitcase and head towards it.

RUSS: Disassembled jetpack, heh? And look, a carrying capacity of two.

MILES: Talk about a lucky break.

RUSS: But wait. There’s no fuel in it. We need to get some jet fuel.

MILES: Well, this is an airport...

CUT to a MAINTENANCE ROOM. MILES and RUSS are wearing maintenance uniforms, looking around while a thick hose pumps jet fuel into the fuel tank of the jetpack.

MILES: This was actually pretty easy.

RUSS: Just so long as those maintenance guys don’t wake up.

GUARD (walking onscreen): Hey! You two! Do you work here?

RUSS: Why, of course we do.

GUARD: Could I see some ID?

Russ digs into his pocket and quickly hands him the ID. The guard studies it carefully.

GUARD: Wait, you look nothing like this guy!

The guard looks up, but Russ and Miles and the jetpack are gone, leaving only the hose leaking jet fuel.

GUARD: Gah!

The guard races over to the pipe control valve, desperately trying to shut off the hose. He fumbles with the various hoses, trying figure out which of the several dozen hoses leads to the working hose. He starts handling the valves, testing each one in succession until one of them turns easily, shutting the hose off. Satisfied, he then pulls up his radio.

GUARD: Security! Two unknown individuals running up Runway 6!

The guards rush into the maintenance room and out onto the runway, but Miles and Russ have already started their takeoff. The guards pull out their guns and start shooting, but the two gangsters have just barely managed to get away.

MILES: Good thing that guard spent all that time trying to shut off the valve, instead of trying to stop us.

RUSS: Yes. If he had just called in, there’s no way we could have outrun the mass of security guards running after us.

MILES: In fact, if they hadn’t been so prompt, and waited until you were struggling with the jetpack to show up, it would have been a really sad statement about the security of our airports.

RUSS: Speaking of jetpacks, do you know how to drive this thing?

MILES: Me? How should I know how a jetpack works? Besides, you’re doing a pretty good job right now.

RUSS: I’m just pushing whichever buttons get us out of here.

MILES: Well, don’t stop. We’ve got a long way to go to get out of here.

Miles and Russ ride off. Don’t worry, the payoff to this arc will come eventually.

Pet Tamers, Episode 8

Authors will generally tell aspiring writers the exact same rules: write well, write often, write with a passion, and rewrite just as passionately. Now, although I've been told I write well (mostly by people who love me), and I write more frequently than anyone in my immediate family (I've checked; my sister comes close, though), and I do generally enjoy writing on a blog, I just don't rewrite well. Louis Sacher says rewriting is the key to good writing, but I enjoy the spontaneity of my work, and I think that my thoughts generally receive enough stewing time before being recorded. In my more "private" works, I'll spend more time rewriting, but for a serial parody of dumb kids' shows, good writing is not the point (which actually is the point). Also, since I do a lot of rewriting in most every work of writing I make, and a lot of regretting in every work that isn't rewritten, I think rewriting has grown on me. So, long intro over, it's time for:

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 8: Pass Key

EVENING, IN SOMEONE'S CAR. LET'S SAY JASON'S.

JASON: We're almost there.

CHRIS: I still don't want to be here.

JASON: Once we get to Green Peaceful Industries, we need to find Tricia Voigt and ask her to help us. We need allies.

CHRIS: This is pointless. We should've just called the cops.

JASON: The cops are busy. But it's as the gangsters said: they're going someplace where no one can ever find them.

CHRIS: So why are we asking Tricia for help?

JASON: Because my gut intuition tells me that whatever top-secret project she is working on, it will help us find the gangsters and free our friends!

CHRIS: That would be such a huge coincidence.

JASON: Don't worry, Chris, old buddy. We'll find them.

CHRIS: Don't call me "buddy". Ever.

The car arrives in front of the headquarters of Green Peaceful Industries.

FADE to the interior of Green Peaceful Industries. All of the workers wear bright, colorful clothing and cheery smiles. The lobby is filled with natural plants, waterfalls, and rain forest sound effects.

CHRIS: What kind of business is this?

Jason ignores the question and turns to the receptionist.

JASON: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you tell me where Tricia Voigt's office is?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, go head down that hallway over there; it will be the second-to-last door on the right. Have a nice day.

CHRIS: That's it? You're not even going to ask if we have an appointment?

RECEPTIONIST: We at Green Peaceful Industries have time for all visitors.

CHRIS: Don't you do any work here? What gets done here?

JASON: Come on, Chris. Let's not waste any more time.

CHRIS: But I have absolutely no idea what's going on here!

Chris reluctantly follows Jason down the hallway.

Meanwhile, in a PRISON CELL, the two gangsters Russ and Miles sleep in their cell.

Miles shifts in his cot slightly, then opens his eyes. A noise is coming from the floor.

He groggily bends over, puts his head to the floor, and jumps back when the tip of a pickaxe pierces through the floor.

MILES: What the-

The hole gets bigger, about the size of a quarter. A voice whispers:

VOICE: Hey, you. I'm getting you out.

MILES: You... you are?

VOICE: Yeah. Get your friend up as quietly as you can while I get this hole bigger.

Miles tiptoes to Russ's cot, and nudges him slightly.

MILES: Hey, Russ. Wake up. Someone's here.

RUSS (loudly): Don't just stand there, get them!

MILES: No, quiet, Russ! Someone's here to free us!

RUSS (louder): Why, those stupid kids! They had to leave us behind!

MILES: Wake up, you stupid fool! Be quiet!

RUSS: Huh? What? Where am I? Stop touching me, Miles! You can do that in your own time.

MILES: Someone's breaking us out.

RUSS: They are? ... Well, I told you something would happen.

The hole is now fairly wide, but the mysterious helper has not revealed himself.

VOICE: Come on, hurry before the guards notice.

INSIDE THE HOLE, it is still dark. The SHADOWY FIGURE stands to the side, while the dark figure of MILES appears from above.

MILES: Oof!

VOICE: Careful!

MILES: I can't see a thing!

VOICE: Just follow my voice.

RUSS lands beside MILES.

MILES: Why are you helping us? Who are you?

VOICE: I am your friend. The Mallards know you betrayed them. You'll need all the friends you can get.

MILES: You know we are members of the Mallards?

VOICE: "Were" members. Come, and I will explain everything.

RUSS and MILES follow the VOICE.

INSIDE the HALLWAY of GREEN PEACEFUL INDUSTRIES:

CHRIS: See, that's where I'm confused. We couldn't have visited that scientist before you attacked those gangsters, because nobody had any idea what I was talking about. But we couldn't have visited him afterwards, because nobody besides us could have visited him.

JASON: You do a lot of frivolous thinking. Do you know what "frivolous" means?

CHRIS: Yes, I know what "frivolous" means. I am a high-schooler, you know.

JASON (stopping): Here we are.

A name plate on the door reads "Tricia Voigt".

JASON: Tricia Voigt.

CHRIS: Thanks, I can read just fine.

JASON opens the door, which echoes ominously in the pitch-black empty room.

CHRIS: You should knock first.

JASON: Hello? Ms. Voigt?

There is no reply, though the sounds of typing echo from within the room.

CHRIS: Excuse us, ma'am, do you mind if we turn on the lights?

JASON (entering): Tricia?

CHRIS: I think she would have heard us the first time. She's probably not in.

JASON continues into the room, and CHRIS helplessly follows.

They enter the darkness, footsteps echoing in the dark, and typing growing louder.

PAN across the room to reveal a small patch of light from a computer screen. ZOOM in on the screen, and a dark figure sitting in front of it becomes apparent.

JASON: Tricia?

FIGURE: Hmm?

The FIGURE turns in her seat, dramatic lighting awash her face.

FIGURE: Oh, sorry.

The FIGURE turns on a nearby light switch, revealing that the expansive room was really no more than 10 feet long, and is in fact an ordinary office.

TRICIA: I was just playing on the computer; I prefer playing in the dark. Sorry I didn't hear you come in, I just can't figure out what to do with these cards.

JASON: So you're Tricia Voigt?

TRICIA: Yes?

JASON: Did you know a scientist named Eno?

TRICIA: Eno? Eno, Eno. No, no Eno.

JASON: He told us you were working on a top-secret project for Green Peaceful Industries.

TRICIA: Then I suppose you wouldn't be surprised if I said I had no idea what you were talking about?

JASON: No, it's all...

CHRIS: Ha ha, I see what you did there. Come on, Jason, she's not going to tell us. Let's leave her alone.

JASON: You were a student of us. He was the one who gave us these whistles!

TRICIA: Whistles?

CHRIS: Oh, dear. You just have to drag her into it.

JASON: We're the Pet Tamers. Well, two of them. Our job is to--

CHRIS (interrupting): Can I hide in the corner and pretend I don't exist for a few minutes?

JASON (con't): --save the world by blowing into these special whistles and turn our pets into super-powered champions!

TRICIA (placidly): Really?

JASON: Yes, really. Do you know what "placidly" means?

TRICIA: ... What?

JASON: Because you said that rather placidly.

TRICIA: Oh. Well, not only do I not believe you, however much it would make sense given the recent disasters and sightings throughout town, but I have also never heard of Eno or scientists making whistles.

JASON: But you have to believe us! And you have to help us get our friends back!

TRICIA: I don't even know who you are.

JASON: I'm Jason. And this is Chris.

TRICIA: Last names?

JASON: Oh, they're not important.

TRICIA: Well then.

JASON: No, they were never important. Our last names wouldn't have any meaning to you or to anyone.

TRICIA: If you say so.

JASON: All right then. My name is Jason Key. And over there is Chris Smith.

CHRIS: My last name is Jackson.

JASON: Well, now it's Smith. So will you help us, Tricia?

TRICIA: Look, I appreciate your interest in me, but I'm not interested.

JASON: Okay then. Let's go, Chris.

CHRIS: What, you're not going to shake her down?

JASON: She'll join us later.

CHRIS: You say that so calmly, so resolvedly.

JASON: You mean, placidly. Do you know what "placidly" means?

CHRIS: Oh, shut up.

MEANWHILE, at A WAREHOUSE far from the prison, the strange FIGURE emerges, remaining in silhouette. RUSS and MILES walk out, looking around for danger.

FIGURE: My advice for you: find out where the Mallards are staying, and then stay as far away from that place as possible. Change your identities if needed. Most importantly, get someone to protect you.

MILES: You haven't told us who you are, and why you're helping us.

FIGURE: I am a friend. That is all you need to know.

RUSS: We need to know who you're working for, or at the very least some assurance that this is not a trap.

FIGURE: I'm afraid I can't give you either. But I can tell you where to go for now.

RUSS: Where?

FIGURE: The airport, tomorrow at half past ten. Dress properly. Until we meet again, gentlemen.

MILES: Wait! Even if you can't tell us your name, can you give us something we can call you?

FIGURE: You can call me X.

RUSS: X?

FIGURE: Deus X.

The FIGURE bounds away into the encroaching night.

Mal and Belle: Wake-Up Call

So, we left off with Mal and Belle sleeping, after their first day.

Around 2 AM, Mal wakes up, even though he is still tired. In spite of common sense, Sims can't sleep on the sofa; the best they can do is nap for 3 hours.

After waking, Mal decides to have a midnight snack.

After that, he decides to get back to reading that romance novel. Mal doesn't feel quite as uncomfortable, now that Belle isn't watching him.

Ho ho, he's in for a surprise.

Belle comes walking in like she's possessed, sits in front of the TV, and starts watching a nature show. Mal puts his book away in great annoyance. Can't a guy just be left alone to read a book?

Eventually, sleep catches up with him, just as day breaks.

So he heads off to bed, grouchy and discontent.

Meanwhile, Belle wants to work on her charisma skill, so she can charm everyone in Congress. She starts working on her serious poses...

... and her innocent poses.

And when the carpool pulls up and honks her, she's off in a flash.

For she has a dream. A dream to unite the town, to end injustice, bring hope to mankind...

 

... to hold a beacon of light to peoples of all nations, creeds, and dress colors, to give everyone a chance to succeed...

... and most importantly, for everyone to be her closest, bestest friend!

And so, daringly, she enters the courthouse, destiny approaching her.

Wait! There's nothing in the courthouse! It's just an empty building! Ha ha ha! You just got suckered, Belle!

The Further Adventures of Par Farthing

As I promised yesterday, Par Farthing!

6 - Par begins his fantastic journey

Par: Great. Now that I'm no longer in the navy, I've got to walk all the way back home, wearing this orange jumpsuit. Couldn't the police have given me something better to wear? It smells awful. Did someone throw up on this? Boy, I'm hungry. They didn't feed me at the police station. I'll eat at this diner coming up.
(in diner) 'Scuse me, could I have something to eat?
Waiter: (gasp) There's an escapee here!!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

7 - Par's fantastic journey, part 2

Par: Great. They drove me all the way back to the police station, said they were sorry for the mixup, and threw back out without feeding or changing me out of this jumpsuit. What is this stain, anyway? It smells like someone was drooling on it. Oh well, I'll try some other place to eat. I'll try that fast-food restaurant.
(enters restaurant)
Cashier: Ahhhh!!! Robber!
(police lead Par into police car)

8 - Par's fantastic journey, part 3

Par: Great. They drove me back, said they were sorry, and threw me out again without feeding me or finding something else for me to wear. What's this in my pocket? It looks like a dead fly with its head chewed off. Anyways, I won't go someplace as formal as a restaurant. I'll head over to the market and buy food there.
(in market) Excuse me, could I have these oranges?
Marketer: Do you have any money?
Par: Oh, no. I forgot I needed that.
Marketer: Shoplifter!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

9 - Par's fantastic journey, part 4

Par: Okay, let's try this again. First, I'll go the ATM machine and withdraw some money.
ATM: PLEASE INSERT YOUR BANK CARD.
Par: Rats, my bank card was totally stolen by that robber! I'll have to go inside and make a withdrawal.
(in bank) Excuse me, could I make a withdrawal?
Teller: Here, take everything! Just don't hurt us!
Par: Hurt you? I wouldn't
Teller (on phone): Bank robber!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

10 - Par's fantastic journey, part 5

Par: Why do the police keep arresting me, and throwing me out without giving me any money, food, or better clothing? The underside of this jumper is so thin, it's like someone's been rubbing their bottom on it. Seriously, I'm starving right now. I need something to eat right now. Say, (looks at garden) those tomatoes look ripe. I'll just casually walk by and then quickly grab one. (casually walks up, then quickly leans over)
Housewife: Burglar!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

11 - Par's fantastic journey, part 6

Par: I wish they would just keep me in prison, even if I have to wear these clothes. At least I'd get fed. I need something else to wear. Anything to keep people from thinking I'm a robber. Hey, what's that in someone's trash can? It's a blanket! It makes me look like a beggar, but that's better than looking like a robber. This is some strange fabric, though. It's smooth, almost silky. I know I've seen these colors before. What does it remind me of?
(the American flag)
Passerby: He's wearing the flag!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

12 - Par's fantastic journey, part 7

Par: It's hopeless. I'll never get any food or money. I can't do anything except sit here and starve.
Priest: Oh, poor man. No matter what your crime has been in the past, no man deserves such treatment. Here, have some of my bread, and some money to help you.
Par: I-I can't believe it! Someone's finally shown mercy to me! Someone's actually helping me out! Perhaps there's hope after all! Thank you, mister! You've given me something to believe in!
(Par jumps for joy, rips the thin backside of his jumpsuit, exposing his naked bum)
Passerby: Public flasher!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)
Par: They already took my bread away...

Mal and Belle's first night

At this point in the game, I installed an update to the game from version 1.20 to 1.30. A side effect, however, was that all of my Sims' actions were reset. So Mal was no longer reading his romance novel, and Belle was no longer watching TV.

Belle quickly got back to the couch and checking up on the latest developments in crime, while Mal went to prepare a salad.

Mal enjoyed his meal alone. After dinner, he decided to read a book. But at that time, Belle got hungry.

The two of them sit at the table, ignoring each other. Silence filled the air.

After the silence came the screeching sounds of Belle yawning.

So she claimed the only bed in the house: a double bed.

Soon enough, Mal got tired too.

And so, desperate for a good night's sleep, he sucked up his pride and headed to the only spot in the house where he can sleep.

And it was a good sleep. Albeit a 2-hour sleep.

Pet Tamers, Episode 7

All right, all right. Pet Tamers has a lot, like stereotypes, adult jokes, postmodern jokes, ridiculous science, little graphic violence, no foul language, education, egomaniacal enemies, and a bunch of kids who fight crime. But a lot of kids' shows do a lot of things that Pet Tamers doesn't have: two-dimensional moralities, morals, super-cool super-talented kids, an omniscient omnipotent narrating guide, cool gadgets, and bad lines (well, maybe, I don't revise these stories). I think it's safe to say this isn't actually a parody of kids' shows:

PET TAMERS

Episode 7: Blown out of Cover

FADE UP to a PRISON CELL. Inside are TWO PRISONERS, who are actually the TWO GANGSTERS that have made recurring appearances in the past. GANGSTER 2 is pacing while GANGSTER 1 is sitting.

GANGSTER 1: Don't worry, Miles. We'll be out of prison soon enough.

GANGSTER 2 (MILES): I'm worried.

GANGSTER 1: About what? The Mallards have made certain that we have a clean criminal record. There's no tangible evidence of our being gangsters. And our testimony will surely lighten whatever sentence we could possibly have.

MILES: Don't use such long words. I'm worried about what the Mallards will do to us when they find out we ratted them out.

GANGSTER 1: They won't find out.

MILES: They know everything about us. If they don't know now, they'll find out later. They'll know we told the fuzz about the hideout.

GANGSTER 1: There've been plenty of police raids in the past, and plenty of times the Mallards have relocated. They won't think about us.

MILES: They'll know something was up, and they'll suspect us immediately. Why did you even tell the pigs if we were getting out free anyway?

GANGSTER 1: Call it a hunch, but I have this strong feeling that we're too charismatic to be working for them. That we're likable for other things.

MILES: Stop being so confusing and tell me straight what's going on.

GANGSTER 1 (pauses): We'll get out of here, somehow.

(a rapping on the bars)

GUARD: Hey, mugs. Bad news for you. The judge is reconsidering your sentence.

MILES: Reconsidering? What does that mean?

GUARD: It means you might not be released immediately, but that you might have to do hard labor for a few...

MILES: No, what does the word "reconsidering" mean?

GUARD: It means he's thinking it over again, and almost certainly is going to change his mind. Hope you enjoy prison, fellas.

(the GUARD leaves)

MILES: Is that really gonna happen, Russ? What if they bust the Mallard Home, and we're still in prison when that happens? They'll know it was us, and they'll get us as soon as we leave!

GANGSTER 1 (RUSS): Something will happen. I know it will.

AT THE MANSION:

COP CADET: Look at this, chief! Police records! Straight from headquarters! They were in this drawer!

COP 2: How do you explain that, sir?

BIG MAN: There must be some mix-up. Neither I nor anyone I know has been anywhere near the police headquarters.

COP 1: Well, good news then. We'll give you a trip over there right now.

BIG MAN: But, gentlemen, how are we going to get there if we don't have a ride? (reaches into pocket)

Outside the mansion, the police cars explode in a big fireball.

COP 2: What in the--?

The ceiling drops open, and tens of armed gangsters leap out and aim their guns at the police officers.

BIG MAN: Perhaps we should wait around here for a while.

Outside the mansion, along the wall, the five kids turn their heads.

MAGGIE: What was that?

PETE: Was that an explosion?

CHRIS: Under different circumstances, that would be awesome.

JASON: We have to find a way inside the building. Something is happening in here.

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. How are we going to get in, anyway? Will we find an open window in the basement and stumble into a secret base filled with a dozen robbers?

PETE: Or we could go in the screen door over there.

JASON (considering): I like your thinking, Pete, but I think going in through the basement would be safer.

CHRIS: Actually, I'm going with Pete. We'll probably get captured if we go in through the basement.

JASON: There are probably a lot of men guarding the screen doors.

CHRIS: Who cares? The police are already in there. We'll just knock on the door, say we thought someone was in trouble over here, and how glad we are that they're taking care of the criminals instead of us, and then we'll be gone.

JASON: The basement is a safer route.

MAGGIE: I think I'll go with Chris. Just because.

SHANA: Then I'll go with Jason.

CHRIS (whispering): No! Us!

SHANA: Well, maybe I'll go with Chris.

JASON: Fine. Very well. You four go through the back door, and I'll go in through this basement window.

CHRIS: So long.

(Pause as no one moves. Finally, Jason opens the window, and squeezes in feet-first. He looks up at Chris, who is still standing and watching Jason.)

JASON: I'm going.

CHRIS: Yeah. We'll see you later.

(Jason disappears from sight. Chris continues to stand.)

MAGGIE: Are we going inside?

CHRIS: You go inside with Pete and Shana. I think I'll just head home.

MAGGIE: You can't leave! We've still got a--

CHRIS: Look, this is none of our business. Jason can handle himself. Like he did a few weeks ago at Green Peaceful whatever. He doesn't need us. I'm heading home. You guys can join him if you want. I don't really want to get involved.

MAGGIE: But... come on, Chris! Don't run away on us! Something could be happening in there!

CHRIS: Whatever it is, Jason can solve it. See you at school tomorrow.

CHRIS walks off. MAGGIE and PETE stand awkwardly. SHANA looks towards the door.

SHANA: Well, let's go. We promised Jason.

MAGGIE: Fine. Let's go.

MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA head towards the door.

INSIDE THE MANSION, the COPS have been tied up, with the GANGSTERS still at gunpoint with them. The BIG MAN paces around them.

COP 1: You're all under arrest.

BIG MAN: I think it's a little late for decidin' who's under arrest, chief.

COP 1: The big boys will be here soon. They'll clear you all out.

BIG MAN: Not today, they won't. (heads towards the back door) I'll be goin' on a little trip somewheres. (the GANGSTERS move back with him) And taking a few of my men as well. You can keep the police records. We're heading someplace where we won't need records, profiles, or backgrounds. Where the big money lies...

(opens door, MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA, who were apparently watching from the outside and crowding around the door right in front of the gangsters, all fall inside)

BIG MAN: Hello, what have we here?

MAGGIE: Um, we're here to stop you?

BIG MAN: Grab them, men.

(three random GANGSTERS grab the kids)

SHANA: This is bad. (immediately gagged)

BIG MAN: Looks like we'll be entertainin' a few guests at our new home. Let's go, men. Let's give them their money's worth.

COPS: You let them go!

BIG MAN: If you let us go, we let them go. Maybe. Come on, men, we've wasted enough time here.

(the BIG MAN leaves with his men, shuts the door)

BIG MAN: Now, there's somethin' I forgot... Ah, of course.

(He pushes a button beside the door. Inside, the room bursts into flames.)

COPS: Help! Help! Someone save us!

JASON kicks open the door as heroic music plays.

COPS: Thank goodness! Save us, young man.

With daring speed and brio, Jason frees the cops from the fiery inferno and leads them outside.

OUTSIDE, a line of police cars and fire trucks surround the gate to the burning mansion. Firefighters rush to extinguish the flames, but the mansion is beyond salvage.

COP: Who knows how many good men, including me, could have died if you had not come to our rescue? How can we thank you?

JASON: You don't need to thank me. I'm just a normal, everyday citizen doing what he believes is right.

COP (staring at the audience): If only there were more good citizens like you around to help us out.

JASON (staring at the audience): Don't worry. I'm sure there are kids everywhere who will be willing to put themselves at risk in order to help their community.

COP: Goodbye, young man. The whole city is smiling at you.

CHRIS: Okay, this is just sick.

CHRIS walks in with a disgusted look.

JASON: Chris! You've come back to help!

CHRIS: You can go on crazy missions, but I can't let you delivering smarmy speeches for no reason. I mean, are you out of your mind? You can't go telling kids to run into burning buildings!

JASON: Chris! Maggie, Pete, and Shana are in terrible danger! They've been kidnapped by the owner of the mansion.

COP: We don't know where he's taken them. He said it would be someplace where he couldn't get us.

JASON: We have to save them! Now!

CHRIS: Okay, okay, stop shouting. I'll think about it.

JASON: No, Chris, now!

CHRIS: Let's leave it for another episode.

JASON: ... How did you...

CUT TO THE PRISON CELL.

RUSS: Yep, someone will free us. I can feel it.

MILES: No. It's too late. I know it is.

RUSS: Something will happen. I know it will.

TO BE CONTINUED...