The Internet is God's Holy Pulpit

Sometimes I'll be browsing the Internet, and I come across an essay that seems like an ordinary piece, and one that I find somewhat interesting to read but then, suddenly, they sneak God in. It goes something like this:

The printing press was invented in 1440 by Gutenberg. Do you know the very first thing he printed was? It was the Bible! Yes, though there were many secular, wicked texts being written in that era, Gutenberg chose to print the Bible. He had decided to follow God's plan by spreading God's Word throughout the land. How could we follow this lesson today? When we sit down to write something, what will be our first words: words of hatred and contempt, or God's holy Word?

Ahem. Not that I find anything disreputable about evangelism, but it seems like a bait-and-switch tactic to suddenly turn in such a direction, after an otherwise secular treatise. (Actually, I don't think there were any "wicked" texts being spread back then; only monks could mass produce written works, and they would certainly not be spreading wickedness, but evangelicals tend to make up facts in order to drive home the point.)

Who invented the light bulb? If you said Thomas Edison, you would be wrong. It was actually Joseph Swan who invented the light bulb 7 years earlier. And yet, would either of them have managed to create such a spectacular device if God had not first spoken those words, "LET THERE BE LIGHT"? Who do you think the real inventor is: a human born in original sin, and God and His infinite wisdom?

By my dedication to accuracy, I'm required to say that the light bulb is a very complicated device, and there was no sole inventor. Unless you count God, the inventor of everything.

It's also unfair that I'm making up those two above examples and not citing real articles. The inspiration for this post, unfortunately, came after the seeds had been sown.

But there is one person who never forgets what he has said. Who is that person? Jesus! Jesus is God, the same God who wrote the original blog, the Bible. And Jesus came to fulfill many of His prophecies written in the Scriptures. So let's worship Him together!

Deep, deep thinking

There are times when I have to marvel at the strange, ridiculous mystery of life.

There are 6 billion people on the planet of all different nationalities, statures, and influence. I can't help but feel guilty that I was born in the wealthiest country in the world, in a well-to-do family, in an accepting community with no stringent limits on human rights, with plenty of opportunities to succeed. I wonder, what makes me so lucky? Who was holding my soul in his hand and decided, "This fellow will do nicely in this place"?

Why, of all mysteries, do I have the ability to think and battle my thoughts? Why was I born a human being, when there are a quadrillion other organisms with a speck of life that could have been mine? Why not a penguin, a dog, or a paramecium?

An answer like "God" can't do away with the mystery. There is something wholly remarkable about why I should be here. Or why anyone else should be where they are. Answers like "God knows why" or "He loves us" doesn't dive into the heart of the mystery.

Am I to accept that the universe came to me such a short while ago, and that it will disappear just a short while later? That science does not believe in fundamental forces called "love" and "hope"? That dreams don't have anything to do with the universe, that they are their own separate harbor, and that nothing in the human mind can account for their form or appearance? That the linear train of thought known as "a soul" is not a commanding, directing force at all, but a consequence of electrostatic charges?

Well, but of course I would be too vain in assuming that the universe or the soul comes with a built-in operating manual. And besides, what kind of person would waste their time reading the manual instead of jumping right in?

Put Ends of Alphabet into Tears (5) Cryptic Crosswords

I can't stand cryptic crosswords. They seem to require an arcane vocabulary, elderly knowledge, and a twisted mind.

For example, there's this clue: "Is concerned about small pet (6)". I start off by listing all the synonyms of "concerned" that I can think of: worried, afraid, anxious, nervous, mindful. Then I started listing examples of small pets: turtle, gerbil, kitten. I tried to keep them within 6 letters, because, surely, the answer would be a definition of one of those two things, right?

WRONG! The answer is "caress", which is explained as "cares + S". Apparently "is concerned about" was the "cares" part, and "small" was S. Damn abbreviations. As if I'm thinking about shirt sizes when I solve a puzzle. And "caress" was "pet", even though the clue clearly was using the word as a noun.

Now, where in that clue does it indicate that the answer is supposed to be a verb? My knowledge of English grammar tells me that the object of a prepositional phrase is definitely a noun, not a verb. This is exactly the sort of twisted, illiterate thinking someone would need to solve these puzzles.

Then there's "confuse composer of 'Bolero' (5)". I knew the composer of Bolero was Ravel, but I was cautious at this point. I knew there had to be something involving "confuse". But writing it backwards, scrambling the letters, writing it upside-down, putting a strikethrough through it, and taking letters from "Bolero" and mixing them with "Ravel" did nothing, so I looked at the answer.

The answer was Ravel; Ravel apparently is an English word meaning "to become tangled or confused". But where and when in the world did you ever hear "ravel" being used? In order to solve it, you either have to be a foolish, fearless person who ignores things that don't make sense, or you have an encyclopedic knowledge. No wonder the Britannics enjoy these puzzles.

Then there's "Cereal contains origin of wondrous strength (5)". I'm just confused about where to start with this one. What kind of cereal? Would this be a name-brand cereal like Life or Kix, or a scientific cereal like oats or corn? "Origin" is a sign that I'll need to take the first letter of a word; would that be "wondrous" or "strength"? Liwfe? Csorn? I gave up and looked at the answer.

Brawn. Bran + w. If anyone told me that at a party, I'd clobber them. Are people supposed to take this endless barrage of puns without even twitching?

I'll stick to Paint by Numbers.

Belle and Mal

You know, I love Alice and Kev. The guy's good at telling a story. Emily Short's blog also makes mention of Sims 3 escapades. So why not join in the fun (or, if you're a cynicist, how about I jump on the bandwagon)?

So, I created a household of two people.

This is Belle, a Mary Sue in every sense. Good, neat, and friendly. She's also TOO good, with schmoozer and excitable traits thrown in, so that people might get annoyed with her.

On the other side of the scale is Mal, the near opposite of Belle. Evil, slob, grumpy, and mean-spirited. But he's also got the schmoozer trait, so that he can have people join his army. Too bad Maxis doesn't plan on turning NPC's into mindless drones yet...

Their priorities are clearly different: Mal is hungry for money, and Belle seems interested in furniture.

Mal's wondering what he got himself into.

The first thing Belle does is complain about how infested the house is with bugs, and then starts killing them. What a sweetheart.

Mal starts watching TV. He also loves winter, apparently.

Belle comes around and joins Mal. They're not actually too different. I'm worried about what those sleeves in Belle's dress are for.

Finally, some scientist comes around and asks for the bugs around the house. Then they start talking about movies.

Belle and Jody discuss a movie about spade-wielding murderers.

 

As they talk about gardening, some visitors come in to check out the neighbors. Maybe they're from that other party on the other side of the street.

 

Poor Jebidiah is so much less cooler than Belle. She's even laughing at him.

 

While the women chat, the men discuss their latest escape from prison and their current hideout. Mal will fit right in to this neighborhood.

About sleep

There's one thing about sleep that bothers me. Unlike eating and dancing, sleeping cannot be done voluntarily. You can feel the urges to eat, dance, or sleep, but eating and dancing are very voluntary, and you get immediate feedback from your body as soon as you do them. But sleeping, you have to lay down, close your eyes, and wait. You can't command your body to sleep. It just wears you down until it makes you sleep.

I don't like when I don't have control over my body, or over its little urges. I ought to be able to have some pressure point in my body or in my mind so that if I focus hard enough, I will immediately drift into slumber. I don't mind not getting control over my dreams, since I don't mind any kind of escape from reality, and I like being surprised. What I don't want is a lack of decision-making on my part on how and when I sleep.

It's also frustrating when I know I'll have to spend my waiting period thinking about useless stuff, because I know I'll forget all of it by the morning. I have to refrain myself from making brilliant jokes or amusing stories, because it will go to waste.

In its current, I feel sleep has no place in our postmodern, postindustrial world, and should be reworked to better fit our current standards. Sleeping should be totally compliant with the party's needs, values, and awareness, and should not in any way hinder with the party's mental capabilities. Instead, sleeping should keep a flexible schedule, able to work itself along sudden appointments and inconveniences and returned to at the party's convenience. Also, sleeping should provide helpful instructions to the party, describing various sleep disorders, how to avoid them, and how to treat them. Customer support should be available at all times for such things as dream interpretations, dream element selections, and nightmare retardation.

With that in mind, I shall be off to bed. Good night.

Just to Show You What an Exciting Summer I'm Having

Today marks a remarkable achievement for me. I've just managed to get a bit of original interactive fiction code to work. The first time I've gotten an original idea to work in IF.

Usually, the coding just whines about phrases and punctuation and how "if x is more than 5" does not make any sense. But I've finally gotten a proof of concept working.

Basically, it's a small simulation of a ship and the many things you can do with it. The "proof of concept" was the simulation of having a pleasure cruise in Europe. Every other part of the simulation can be copied from it: having pleasure cruises in other parts of the world, raiding other ships, exploring the unknown reaches of the world, etc. Just change the variables, the set-up, and the responses, and everything works out.

The problem is, it was a spur-of-the-moment idea, and I'm at a dead-end with it. Maybe in a week or two, I'll come up with new ideas and keep working off-and-on-again at it.

Right now, there are other sections that are unimplemented, like a crew loyalty setting (to determine whether the crew should mutiny or not) and ship size (to determine how much you can carry, how overcrowded the ship is, and the like). It's basically a husk, but it can be filled. I have many such husks to fill, a lot of which however are either broken or were supposed to go in a specific but now forgotten direction.

Still, I imagine every video game creator has that moment when he has tamed his computer. The sudden uplifting moment when he realizes that he no longer needs to be afraid of his computer, that now he is the master. Or she.

A Modest Solution

Penguin deaths prompt sniper aid

Sending in swarms of human snipers? I have a better solution:

Pet Tamers, Episode 5

It's been a long month without Pet Tamers, but here's another one to satisfy the story-hungry:

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 5: Long Division

FADE IN and ZOOM to PETE's house. PETE is playing video games in his filthy room. Clothes lie scattered on the floor, drape from the ceiling fan, and hang by thumb-tacks to the wall. Half-eaten food and old dishes lie on the bed, the desk, and the floor. Pete's backpack hangs limp on the bedpost.

The doorbell rings.

PETE'S MOTHER (offscreen, distant): Pete, could you get the door?

PETE (shouts): I'm busy!

PETE'S MOTHER (offscreen, distant): Pete, please? I'm busy!

PETE (shouts): In a minute!

(PETE continues playing his game. JASON enters the bedroom)

JASON: Hey, Pete. No one was at the door, so I walked in. (looks around) Is this your room?

PETE: Yeah, make yourself comfortable.

JASON: Anyway, Pete, I have something to tell you.

PETE: Hold on. (pauses the game, which is revealed to be some kind of Space Invaders clone) Yeah?

JASON: You know the old scientist who gave us our pets? Well, he wants us to visit his lab this afternoon. He's got something to tell us about our pets.

PETE: Yeah, okay.

JASON: By the way, where's your hamster Baldwin?

PETE: Probably in my backpack.

JASON (opening the backpack) Baldwin? Are you in here? Oh my gosh, Baldwin! (scooping up a sick hamster) Have you been taking care of him?

PETE: Well, maybe. I don't really know much about hamsters.

JASON: What have you been feeding him?

PETE: Food. Whatever's lying around. (looks around) I think he may have eaten some pizza.

JASON: Has he been getting exercise?

PETE: Well, I used to let him out, but then he started hiding and chewing stuff, so I just leave him in the backpack.

JASON: My goodness, we've got to get him to a vet!

CUT to a veterinarian's office. JASON and PETE sit on a bench, with PETE holding BALDWIN. The VET, a beautiful buxom blonde woman, enters.

PETE: Whoa.

VET (in a sultry voice): I heard your hamster is in... trouble.

PETE: Uh...

JASON: Yes, he is, ma'am. Can you help him for us?

VET: For you, I'll do anything.

PETE (to JASON): What's the name of this place?

JASON: Why, it's just our friendly neighborhood veterinarian's office. And Miss Lilac, our veterinarian, can teach us all about proper care for hamsters.

PETE: Oh, please don't talk to the wall again...

GUITAR RIFF plays as a giant, colorful logo reading "PET TAMERS' PET TIPS" flies over the screen. CIRCLE TRANSITION to JASON and MISS LILAC, with BALDWIN sitting on the table, looking unexpectedly healthy.

JASON (in a cutesy authoritative voice): Hamsters are active little critters who require special attention and care.

MISS LILAC (in a serious tone): Their diet is important. Though hamsters can eat many foods that people commonly eat, there are some foods like cheese and salt that are unhealthy to hamsters, and do not contain their essential nutrients.

JASON: Instead of feeding table scraps to your hamster, buy hamster food at your local pet store. It will guarantee that your hamster is well-fed and gets their vital nutrients.

PETE (peeking in): Uh... um... yeah.

MISS LILAC: When choosing a home for your hamster, use a large glass container, a wire cage, or a plastic container. Avoid containers made of soft materials like wood or cardboard, as hamsters can chew through them.

JASON: There are two things that every hamster loves to do: run and chew. Stock your hamster home with an exercise wheel and a block of wood to satisfy both of his desires.

PETE: But, uh... I mean, what time did that scientist...

MISS LILAC: Layer the home with shredded paper to provide a soft bedding. Avoid cotton balls and cedar chips, as these can be dangerous to a hamster's health.

JASON: Last, but not least, hang a small water bottle with a drinking tube on the side.

PETE: Uh, I'm heading out... you two finish... whatever.

JASON: Keep it filled regularly, or your hamster will surely be unhappy.

MISS LILAC (resuming her sultry voice): And give it lots of love and... attention.

CUT to the SCIENTIST'S LAB. MAGGIE, CHRIS, and SHANA are already there. PETE arrives.

MAGGIE: Hey, Pete's here! Where have you been?

PETE: Dropping off my hamster. It wasn't feeling too well.

CHRIS: Where's Jason?

PETE: Uh, he's doing another public-service announcement.

CHRIS: He's doing a lot of those, isn't he? And he was speaking to the wall, again?

PETE: With the vet.

SHANA: I would really like to do a service announcement. I could say something about the value of public transportation.

CHRIS: Isn't it strange how everyone acts like there's a camera everywhere? (looks directly at camera) It's like someone's watching us...

SCIENTIST (sudden appearance): Ah, finally, now there's four of you! But where's that tall, handsome one?

CHRIS: He's busy and can't come.

SCIENTIST: Oh, well. Four of you will be enough.

MAGGIE: Enough for what?

SCIENTIST: Come back this way. I have something to show you.

The five of them walk through a small, out-of-the-way door, leading downwards into a dark tunnel. The walls are made of dirt, with blazing torches affixed to the wall. The sounds of dripping liquids and rats can be heard.

CHRIS: Why is this...

MAGGIE: Shh!

The SCIENTIST leads them down into a dust-covered lab that vaguely looks like a tomb. The SCIENTIST steps up to a projector.

SCIENTIST: Children... Giving you the role as Pet Tamers has been my life's purpose for years. But it is just the beginning. The Earth is being threatened by a powerful force, one that threatens all existence.

CHRIS: Look, old guy... first you give us magic whistles that turn hamsters into bears, and now the world is in danger? Are there going to be giant robots, too?

MAGGIE: Shush!

SCIENTIST: I have been researching this threat for a long time, developing the whistle technology on the way. Be warned, Pet Tamers; this technology can be used for good and for evil. Fortunately, you--

CHRIS: Okay, this is getting boring again. Just get to the important stuff, already.

MAGGIE: Quiet!

SCIENTIST: You will not be alone. There is a young, brilliant student of mine, working at Green Peaceful Industries. Her name is Tricia Voigt.

CHRIS: Voigt? That's unusual.

MAGGIE: Cut that out! No one thinks you're funny, so be quiet!

CHRIS (slightly bitter): Fine, sorry.

SCIENTIST: She works in the research and development section on a top-secret project that only she and I know about. Talk to her about it, and tell her I, Eno, sent you!

CHRIS (in a low voice): I should have known he would have a weird name.

MAGGIE (furiously): What the f-

JASON (suddenly opening the door and shouting across the room): Hey guys! I'm sorry I'm late! Did I miss something?

MAGGIE (turning on JASON): And you're as bad as he is!

JASON: What? I'm sorry, is something wrong?

SHANA: Maggie, no, please...

MAGGIE: No! What is wrong with you people? All this sarcasm and interruptions, and secret missions! Why can't anyone talk normally for once?!

JASON: Maggie, please. Let's calm down and talk about what's bothering you.

MAGGIE: Oh, shut up. I'm getting really tired of your pep talks and being so concerned about me! Just leave me alone!

(a few tense moments)

JASON: You can leave, if you like.

MAGGIE (tersely): I'll just wait it out, thanks.

CHRIS: Oh, great job, Jason. Now you made her cry.

MAGGIE: Shut up, all of you. You're all jerks!

PETE: Um, for the record, I didn't do anything.

SCIENTIST: Er, with that, I'll let you go.

Everyone silently walks up the dark, dirty corridor.

CUT to the BLACK HOUSE.

COP 1: Well, well. We may not have found the elusive Blackcoat Gang, but we did find two members of the Mallard Family.

COP 2: We've been looking for you for a while. Hopefully you'll answer our questions.

GANGSTER 1: You don't understand! We're just hostages! We're innocent!

GANGSTER 2: You can't prove we did anything! It was the Blackcoats who did it! They know more than we do! Let us go!

COP 2: Now, now. We'll get everything sorted out at the station. If you really are innocent, and we do not have your face in our criminal records of the Mallard Family, then we will let you go. Only if, though.

GANGSTER 2: This is larceny! When we get free, I'll sue you all for larceny!

GANGSTER 1: Do you even know what larceny is?

GANGSTER 2: No, but it sounds like the sort of thing cops do to innocent civilians.

GANGSTER 1: No, you're thinking of police brutality.

GANGSTER 2: Yeah, that's right. I'll sue you for that, too!

In spite of their protests, the GANGSTERS are pushed into the cop car, which leaves into a sunset that has suddenly appeared. Actually, it is suddenly dusk, and everything has an orangish tint. Isn't that funny? Everything is orange. I can't believe I missed that. Ha ha.

(Author's note: Yes, that's satirical. If this was a screenplay, that would actually be what's written there. It's not clumsy writing. Just to clear that up.)

Stephen Fry Look-alike

Ever since watching QI, I can't help but be distracted by the close similarity between Stephen Fry and my good friend Drew:

 

Stephen is the one on the left, wearing the formal wear, and Drew on the right, wearing the flashy necklaces. See the similarity?

Part Movie Impression, Part Elusive Rambling, Part Break-up of a Blog Delay

Just finished watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Couldn't have come at a better time. I had a fit of mortality despair last night, and watching it helps me feel better.

Sometimes, sappy, pithy sayings are necessary for the soul. They're like old crazy neighbors; when you've never met them, you love listening to their eccentric ideas, but after a while, they begin repeating themselves and you just want them thrown out.

Still, there are other problems I haven't straightened out. Other neighbors I've yet to meet. And I'm still looking. Unless I make my own neighbors.

Questions on My Mind

I think about a lot of things, and I end up asking a lot of questions. Whenever I think of a question, I'll look it up on the Internet, but sometimes I reach a dead end. Here are 10 questions that need answering:

• Can anything besides alcohol cause a hangover?
• Is anyone else afraid of posting in a forum?
• Why is Jesus hiding from us?
• Why can't people keep the spirit of RickRolling without using the exact same song?
• Why do I feel so down after having a good laugh?
• What are those round pill-shaped things on the cords of certain computer adaptors/input devices, just an inch away from the plug?
• If the Chinese don't have an alphabet, how do they organize their dictionaries?
• Why do people use "you" on an Internet forum, when it's possible that the other party is no longer participating?
• Why is law seen as a dishonest profession, when acting is not?
• If ambrosia is the food of the gods, and nectar is the drink of the gods, what is the name of their excrements?