Quibbling over the chronologically something

When I was at work and doing my usual half-work-half-thinking routine, I came up with a good term for children: "chronologically disadvantaged". Because kids do not have quite as much experience as full-grown adults, they are clearly the most disadvantaged persons in the human aging spectrum.

So imagine how surprised and irked I was to type that phrase into Google and discover people don't use it for children; they use it for the exact opposite, the elderly. Apparently, people think that getting older is a bad thing, one that must be avoided at all costs. (Good luck on that.)

Furthermore, the phrase "chronologically advantaged" is also applied towards the elderly, albeit in a more positive manner. Frantically, I tried searching for "chronologically advantageable", but that returned no entries. Shall I be the first to use it as a synonym for youthful, or is someone going to take that one away from me as well?

Mal and Belle's first night

At this point in the game, I installed an update to the game from version 1.20 to 1.30. A side effect, however, was that all of my Sims' actions were reset. So Mal was no longer reading his romance novel, and Belle was no longer watching TV.

Belle quickly got back to the couch and checking up on the latest developments in crime, while Mal went to prepare a salad.

Mal enjoyed his meal alone. After dinner, he decided to read a book. But at that time, Belle got hungry.

The two of them sit at the table, ignoring each other. Silence filled the air.

After the silence came the screeching sounds of Belle yawning.

So she claimed the only bed in the house: a double bed.

Soon enough, Mal got tired too.

And so, desperate for a good night's sleep, he sucked up his pride and headed to the only spot in the house where he can sleep.

And it was a good sleep. Albeit a 2-hour sleep.

Pet Tamers, Episode 7

All right, all right. Pet Tamers has a lot, like stereotypes, adult jokes, postmodern jokes, ridiculous science, little graphic violence, no foul language, education, egomaniacal enemies, and a bunch of kids who fight crime. But a lot of kids' shows do a lot of things that Pet Tamers doesn't have: two-dimensional moralities, morals, super-cool super-talented kids, an omniscient omnipotent narrating guide, cool gadgets, and bad lines (well, maybe, I don't revise these stories). I think it's safe to say this isn't actually a parody of kids' shows:

PET TAMERS

Episode 7: Blown out of Cover

FADE UP to a PRISON CELL. Inside are TWO PRISONERS, who are actually the TWO GANGSTERS that have made recurring appearances in the past. GANGSTER 2 is pacing while GANGSTER 1 is sitting.

GANGSTER 1: Don't worry, Miles. We'll be out of prison soon enough.

GANGSTER 2 (MILES): I'm worried.

GANGSTER 1: About what? The Mallards have made certain that we have a clean criminal record. There's no tangible evidence of our being gangsters. And our testimony will surely lighten whatever sentence we could possibly have.

MILES: Don't use such long words. I'm worried about what the Mallards will do to us when they find out we ratted them out.

GANGSTER 1: They won't find out.

MILES: They know everything about us. If they don't know now, they'll find out later. They'll know we told the fuzz about the hideout.

GANGSTER 1: There've been plenty of police raids in the past, and plenty of times the Mallards have relocated. They won't think about us.

MILES: They'll know something was up, and they'll suspect us immediately. Why did you even tell the pigs if we were getting out free anyway?

GANGSTER 1: Call it a hunch, but I have this strong feeling that we're too charismatic to be working for them. That we're likable for other things.

MILES: Stop being so confusing and tell me straight what's going on.

GANGSTER 1 (pauses): We'll get out of here, somehow.

(a rapping on the bars)

GUARD: Hey, mugs. Bad news for you. The judge is reconsidering your sentence.

MILES: Reconsidering? What does that mean?

GUARD: It means you might not be released immediately, but that you might have to do hard labor for a few...

MILES: No, what does the word "reconsidering" mean?

GUARD: It means he's thinking it over again, and almost certainly is going to change his mind. Hope you enjoy prison, fellas.

(the GUARD leaves)

MILES: Is that really gonna happen, Russ? What if they bust the Mallard Home, and we're still in prison when that happens? They'll know it was us, and they'll get us as soon as we leave!

GANGSTER 1 (RUSS): Something will happen. I know it will.

AT THE MANSION:

COP CADET: Look at this, chief! Police records! Straight from headquarters! They were in this drawer!

COP 2: How do you explain that, sir?

BIG MAN: There must be some mix-up. Neither I nor anyone I know has been anywhere near the police headquarters.

COP 1: Well, good news then. We'll give you a trip over there right now.

BIG MAN: But, gentlemen, how are we going to get there if we don't have a ride? (reaches into pocket)

Outside the mansion, the police cars explode in a big fireball.

COP 2: What in the--?

The ceiling drops open, and tens of armed gangsters leap out and aim their guns at the police officers.

BIG MAN: Perhaps we should wait around here for a while.

Outside the mansion, along the wall, the five kids turn their heads.

MAGGIE: What was that?

PETE: Was that an explosion?

CHRIS: Under different circumstances, that would be awesome.

JASON: We have to find a way inside the building. Something is happening in here.

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. How are we going to get in, anyway? Will we find an open window in the basement and stumble into a secret base filled with a dozen robbers?

PETE: Or we could go in the screen door over there.

JASON (considering): I like your thinking, Pete, but I think going in through the basement would be safer.

CHRIS: Actually, I'm going with Pete. We'll probably get captured if we go in through the basement.

JASON: There are probably a lot of men guarding the screen doors.

CHRIS: Who cares? The police are already in there. We'll just knock on the door, say we thought someone was in trouble over here, and how glad we are that they're taking care of the criminals instead of us, and then we'll be gone.

JASON: The basement is a safer route.

MAGGIE: I think I'll go with Chris. Just because.

SHANA: Then I'll go with Jason.

CHRIS (whispering): No! Us!

SHANA: Well, maybe I'll go with Chris.

JASON: Fine. Very well. You four go through the back door, and I'll go in through this basement window.

CHRIS: So long.

(Pause as no one moves. Finally, Jason opens the window, and squeezes in feet-first. He looks up at Chris, who is still standing and watching Jason.)

JASON: I'm going.

CHRIS: Yeah. We'll see you later.

(Jason disappears from sight. Chris continues to stand.)

MAGGIE: Are we going inside?

CHRIS: You go inside with Pete and Shana. I think I'll just head home.

MAGGIE: You can't leave! We've still got a--

CHRIS: Look, this is none of our business. Jason can handle himself. Like he did a few weeks ago at Green Peaceful whatever. He doesn't need us. I'm heading home. You guys can join him if you want. I don't really want to get involved.

MAGGIE: But... come on, Chris! Don't run away on us! Something could be happening in there!

CHRIS: Whatever it is, Jason can solve it. See you at school tomorrow.

CHRIS walks off. MAGGIE and PETE stand awkwardly. SHANA looks towards the door.

SHANA: Well, let's go. We promised Jason.

MAGGIE: Fine. Let's go.

MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA head towards the door.

INSIDE THE MANSION, the COPS have been tied up, with the GANGSTERS still at gunpoint with them. The BIG MAN paces around them.

COP 1: You're all under arrest.

BIG MAN: I think it's a little late for decidin' who's under arrest, chief.

COP 1: The big boys will be here soon. They'll clear you all out.

BIG MAN: Not today, they won't. (heads towards the back door) I'll be goin' on a little trip somewheres. (the GANGSTERS move back with him) And taking a few of my men as well. You can keep the police records. We're heading someplace where we won't need records, profiles, or backgrounds. Where the big money lies...

(opens door, MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA, who were apparently watching from the outside and crowding around the door right in front of the gangsters, all fall inside)

BIG MAN: Hello, what have we here?

MAGGIE: Um, we're here to stop you?

BIG MAN: Grab them, men.

(three random GANGSTERS grab the kids)

SHANA: This is bad. (immediately gagged)

BIG MAN: Looks like we'll be entertainin' a few guests at our new home. Let's go, men. Let's give them their money's worth.

COPS: You let them go!

BIG MAN: If you let us go, we let them go. Maybe. Come on, men, we've wasted enough time here.

(the BIG MAN leaves with his men, shuts the door)

BIG MAN: Now, there's somethin' I forgot... Ah, of course.

(He pushes a button beside the door. Inside, the room bursts into flames.)

COPS: Help! Help! Someone save us!

JASON kicks open the door as heroic music plays.

COPS: Thank goodness! Save us, young man.

With daring speed and brio, Jason frees the cops from the fiery inferno and leads them outside.

OUTSIDE, a line of police cars and fire trucks surround the gate to the burning mansion. Firefighters rush to extinguish the flames, but the mansion is beyond salvage.

COP: Who knows how many good men, including me, could have died if you had not come to our rescue? How can we thank you?

JASON: You don't need to thank me. I'm just a normal, everyday citizen doing what he believes is right.

COP (staring at the audience): If only there were more good citizens like you around to help us out.

JASON (staring at the audience): Don't worry. I'm sure there are kids everywhere who will be willing to put themselves at risk in order to help their community.

COP: Goodbye, young man. The whole city is smiling at you.

CHRIS: Okay, this is just sick.

CHRIS walks in with a disgusted look.

JASON: Chris! You've come back to help!

CHRIS: You can go on crazy missions, but I can't let you delivering smarmy speeches for no reason. I mean, are you out of your mind? You can't go telling kids to run into burning buildings!

JASON: Chris! Maggie, Pete, and Shana are in terrible danger! They've been kidnapped by the owner of the mansion.

COP: We don't know where he's taken them. He said it would be someplace where he couldn't get us.

JASON: We have to save them! Now!

CHRIS: Okay, okay, stop shouting. I'll think about it.

JASON: No, Chris, now!

CHRIS: Let's leave it for another episode.

JASON: ... How did you...

CUT TO THE PRISON CELL.

RUSS: Yep, someone will free us. I can feel it.

MILES: No. It's too late. I know it is.

RUSS: Something will happen. I know it will.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Frickin' Unbelievable

All it took was one command -- "Color to Alpha" -- and all of a sudden, my artwork got a heck of a lot more awesome:

Clearly, the most awesome piece of artwork I have ever managed to mangle onto the Internet. And it was so easy. This could be a major turning point...

Calling out the blogger

Let me just say, right now, that it has been exciting ever since Tuesday to have something new to post. But I want to come out right now and say not to be expecting daily posts. This was a rare, unprecedented feat that was amazing for me, but I must step down and say will not happen again.

Which is not to say it won't happen again. I just want to reprimand myself, right here and now, in front of everyone, so that if I wind up not making this blog a daily routine, then I won't feel bad about disappointing anyone (this is the same delusion as the one where I have an audience of "everyone"). If I do wind up having a daily schedule, then no harm done.

Now, someone out there remind me why the heck I'm blogging this instead of just taping it to my dresser to look at every morning?

The Adventures of Par Farthing

This story is an affectionate tribute to Gag Manga Biyori, but less Japanocentric.

1 - Par's fateful decision

Recruiter: 'Scuse me, young man, would you be interested in joining the army?
Par: The army? What's there to do in the army?
Rec.: There are plenty of exciting skirmishes in the Pacific East that require good-looking, bold, charismatic men who will blindly follow orders.
Par: Sounds great. Where do I sign?
Rec.: You don't. (handcuff slap on Par) Off you go. (throw onto bus)
Par: Should I tell my parents?
Rec.: We'll let them know for you, whoever you were. (passerby) 'Scuse me, young man, interested in the army?

2 - Par begins a mission

Drill Sergeant: Now, private, you'd better do what I say, or I'll skin you alive and feed you to the bears!
Par: Is that legal?
DS: Don't smart-talk me, private! Get down there and give me 10!
Par: Okay, (scoop 10 rocks) here.
DS: Smart-asses like you need to be punished! Now take this load of iron pots to the outpost on that mountain, or you're heading to the Inebriated Closet!
Par: That doesn't sound too scary, but I'll do it anyway.

3 - Par encounters danger

Par: I can't help feeling I got tricked into joining the army. This is nowhere near the Pacific East, and I'm not meeting any charismatic girls who follow orders. What's this? (footprints) Someone else has been on this trail. Is it an enemy? I'll have to check. Hey. (cougar is caught in trap) Poor cat's got his leg caught. I'll free you. (opens trap) There. Go and live free amongst nature.
Cougar: (roar)
Par: Hey! Stop chasing me! I saved you! I'm sorry if I hurt you trying to free you, but (trips over root) Ahh! (rolls down slope) Ow! Ahh! Agh! Help! Someone! Help! (rolls off cliff) Wahhhhhhhh

4 - Par receives a second chance

Reporter: Three days after Par went on that hike, the army finally found him, and the drill sergeant who had sent him on that mission has been sacked. He is currently staying at the Army Medical Hospital, where the army is granting him a full military pardon.
(in hospital, uniformed man in front of Par): Sorry.
Rep.: Tell us, Par, will you continue your service in the army?
Par: If it means going to the Pacific East, then yes. It's been my dream to see the world.
Recruiter: You say you want to see the world? Would you be interested in joining the navy? You'll journey to the Far Pacific, sailing the seas and blindly following orders.
Par: Great. I'll join as soon as I leave the hospital.
Rec.: No need to wait. We'll sign you on as a disabled member. (handcuff slap on Par) Have fun. (throw on bus)
Par: It'd have only taken a week!

5 - Par makes a bold escape

Par: So this is what disabled soldiers do, fill paperwork. I'm not even on a boat, I'm just stamping forms.
Officer: Private, what is this? You're stamping outside the lines! Do them all over.
Par: But at least half of them are stamped right!
(night)
Par: I think I got tricked again. This isn't adventure, or being charismatic. At least I'm in the city, where there are no cougars. I'll have a drink. (in bar) Excuse me, bartender, could I have a drink?
Bartender: Oh, you're in the navy, aren't you? We can't serve members in here. We'd get sued if we did.
Par: Drat, (leaving) can't even get a drink.
Robber: Haha! (leaping, knife held to Par's throat) Scream, and you die. Now, take off your clothes.
Par: My what?
Robber: Do it or you die!
(some minutes later)
Robber: (dressed in Par's clothes) Ha! Now I'm a member of the navy! Now I can get off these damned streets, sail the seas, and blindly follow orders! See yah!
Par: (stark naked) Hey, give me back my clothes!
(morning)
(Par asleep, nearby policeman): Damn drunks.

Text Comic

This week, I've been working at the secretary's office at the county fairgrounds, as I have been for the past 4 or 5 summers. Yet despite the fact that I might have more job potential than data entry, I love working there. I get such a euphoria from hammering away at the keys, typing stuff into the computer. Could be something to do with my autism.

There are many perks. The building is air-conditioned, I'm on good terms with my boss, there's plenty of free time but plenty of work to even it out, and I work with two good-looking girls my age. Not that I care for those girls at all, mind you, but it's good to have similarly aged coworkers.

Anyways, I was bored one day, and I started playing with Word. And I eventually wound up with this piece, a text-based comic made with Courier New and Webdings:

I tried uploading it as text, but it wouldn't work. Web browsers and blogs handle text in a very "special" manner. The Courier print doesn't line up perfectly, and the Webdings are tricky to fit in. If I was patient enough, and I fiddled with the HTML code long enough (and knew more HTML coding), I could probably get it to work. But until Blogger decides to host Word documents, sorry.