Pet Tamers, Episode 7

All right, all right. Pet Tamers has a lot, like stereotypes, adult jokes, postmodern jokes, ridiculous science, little graphic violence, no foul language, education, egomaniacal enemies, and a bunch of kids who fight crime. But a lot of kids' shows do a lot of things that Pet Tamers doesn't have: two-dimensional moralities, morals, super-cool super-talented kids, an omniscient omnipotent narrating guide, cool gadgets, and bad lines (well, maybe, I don't revise these stories). I think it's safe to say this isn't actually a parody of kids' shows:

PET TAMERS

Episode 7: Blown out of Cover

FADE UP to a PRISON CELL. Inside are TWO PRISONERS, who are actually the TWO GANGSTERS that have made recurring appearances in the past. GANGSTER 2 is pacing while GANGSTER 1 is sitting.

GANGSTER 1: Don't worry, Miles. We'll be out of prison soon enough.

GANGSTER 2 (MILES): I'm worried.

GANGSTER 1: About what? The Mallards have made certain that we have a clean criminal record. There's no tangible evidence of our being gangsters. And our testimony will surely lighten whatever sentence we could possibly have.

MILES: Don't use such long words. I'm worried about what the Mallards will do to us when they find out we ratted them out.

GANGSTER 1: They won't find out.

MILES: They know everything about us. If they don't know now, they'll find out later. They'll know we told the fuzz about the hideout.

GANGSTER 1: There've been plenty of police raids in the past, and plenty of times the Mallards have relocated. They won't think about us.

MILES: They'll know something was up, and they'll suspect us immediately. Why did you even tell the pigs if we were getting out free anyway?

GANGSTER 1: Call it a hunch, but I have this strong feeling that we're too charismatic to be working for them. That we're likable for other things.

MILES: Stop being so confusing and tell me straight what's going on.

GANGSTER 1 (pauses): We'll get out of here, somehow.

(a rapping on the bars)

GUARD: Hey, mugs. Bad news for you. The judge is reconsidering your sentence.

MILES: Reconsidering? What does that mean?

GUARD: It means you might not be released immediately, but that you might have to do hard labor for a few...

MILES: No, what does the word "reconsidering" mean?

GUARD: It means he's thinking it over again, and almost certainly is going to change his mind. Hope you enjoy prison, fellas.

(the GUARD leaves)

MILES: Is that really gonna happen, Russ? What if they bust the Mallard Home, and we're still in prison when that happens? They'll know it was us, and they'll get us as soon as we leave!

GANGSTER 1 (RUSS): Something will happen. I know it will.

AT THE MANSION:

COP CADET: Look at this, chief! Police records! Straight from headquarters! They were in this drawer!

COP 2: How do you explain that, sir?

BIG MAN: There must be some mix-up. Neither I nor anyone I know has been anywhere near the police headquarters.

COP 1: Well, good news then. We'll give you a trip over there right now.

BIG MAN: But, gentlemen, how are we going to get there if we don't have a ride? (reaches into pocket)

Outside the mansion, the police cars explode in a big fireball.

COP 2: What in the--?

The ceiling drops open, and tens of armed gangsters leap out and aim their guns at the police officers.

BIG MAN: Perhaps we should wait around here for a while.

Outside the mansion, along the wall, the five kids turn their heads.

MAGGIE: What was that?

PETE: Was that an explosion?

CHRIS: Under different circumstances, that would be awesome.

JASON: We have to find a way inside the building. Something is happening in here.

CHRIS: Yeah, yeah. How are we going to get in, anyway? Will we find an open window in the basement and stumble into a secret base filled with a dozen robbers?

PETE: Or we could go in the screen door over there.

JASON (considering): I like your thinking, Pete, but I think going in through the basement would be safer.

CHRIS: Actually, I'm going with Pete. We'll probably get captured if we go in through the basement.

JASON: There are probably a lot of men guarding the screen doors.

CHRIS: Who cares? The police are already in there. We'll just knock on the door, say we thought someone was in trouble over here, and how glad we are that they're taking care of the criminals instead of us, and then we'll be gone.

JASON: The basement is a safer route.

MAGGIE: I think I'll go with Chris. Just because.

SHANA: Then I'll go with Jason.

CHRIS (whispering): No! Us!

SHANA: Well, maybe I'll go with Chris.

JASON: Fine. Very well. You four go through the back door, and I'll go in through this basement window.

CHRIS: So long.

(Pause as no one moves. Finally, Jason opens the window, and squeezes in feet-first. He looks up at Chris, who is still standing and watching Jason.)

JASON: I'm going.

CHRIS: Yeah. We'll see you later.

(Jason disappears from sight. Chris continues to stand.)

MAGGIE: Are we going inside?

CHRIS: You go inside with Pete and Shana. I think I'll just head home.

MAGGIE: You can't leave! We've still got a--

CHRIS: Look, this is none of our business. Jason can handle himself. Like he did a few weeks ago at Green Peaceful whatever. He doesn't need us. I'm heading home. You guys can join him if you want. I don't really want to get involved.

MAGGIE: But... come on, Chris! Don't run away on us! Something could be happening in there!

CHRIS: Whatever it is, Jason can solve it. See you at school tomorrow.

CHRIS walks off. MAGGIE and PETE stand awkwardly. SHANA looks towards the door.

SHANA: Well, let's go. We promised Jason.

MAGGIE: Fine. Let's go.

MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA head towards the door.

INSIDE THE MANSION, the COPS have been tied up, with the GANGSTERS still at gunpoint with them. The BIG MAN paces around them.

COP 1: You're all under arrest.

BIG MAN: I think it's a little late for decidin' who's under arrest, chief.

COP 1: The big boys will be here soon. They'll clear you all out.

BIG MAN: Not today, they won't. (heads towards the back door) I'll be goin' on a little trip somewheres. (the GANGSTERS move back with him) And taking a few of my men as well. You can keep the police records. We're heading someplace where we won't need records, profiles, or backgrounds. Where the big money lies...

(opens door, MAGGIE, PETE, and SHANA, who were apparently watching from the outside and crowding around the door right in front of the gangsters, all fall inside)

BIG MAN: Hello, what have we here?

MAGGIE: Um, we're here to stop you?

BIG MAN: Grab them, men.

(three random GANGSTERS grab the kids)

SHANA: This is bad. (immediately gagged)

BIG MAN: Looks like we'll be entertainin' a few guests at our new home. Let's go, men. Let's give them their money's worth.

COPS: You let them go!

BIG MAN: If you let us go, we let them go. Maybe. Come on, men, we've wasted enough time here.

(the BIG MAN leaves with his men, shuts the door)

BIG MAN: Now, there's somethin' I forgot... Ah, of course.

(He pushes a button beside the door. Inside, the room bursts into flames.)

COPS: Help! Help! Someone save us!

JASON kicks open the door as heroic music plays.

COPS: Thank goodness! Save us, young man.

With daring speed and brio, Jason frees the cops from the fiery inferno and leads them outside.

OUTSIDE, a line of police cars and fire trucks surround the gate to the burning mansion. Firefighters rush to extinguish the flames, but the mansion is beyond salvage.

COP: Who knows how many good men, including me, could have died if you had not come to our rescue? How can we thank you?

JASON: You don't need to thank me. I'm just a normal, everyday citizen doing what he believes is right.

COP (staring at the audience): If only there were more good citizens like you around to help us out.

JASON (staring at the audience): Don't worry. I'm sure there are kids everywhere who will be willing to put themselves at risk in order to help their community.

COP: Goodbye, young man. The whole city is smiling at you.

CHRIS: Okay, this is just sick.

CHRIS walks in with a disgusted look.

JASON: Chris! You've come back to help!

CHRIS: You can go on crazy missions, but I can't let you delivering smarmy speeches for no reason. I mean, are you out of your mind? You can't go telling kids to run into burning buildings!

JASON: Chris! Maggie, Pete, and Shana are in terrible danger! They've been kidnapped by the owner of the mansion.

COP: We don't know where he's taken them. He said it would be someplace where he couldn't get us.

JASON: We have to save them! Now!

CHRIS: Okay, okay, stop shouting. I'll think about it.

JASON: No, Chris, now!

CHRIS: Let's leave it for another episode.

JASON: ... How did you...

CUT TO THE PRISON CELL.

RUSS: Yep, someone will free us. I can feel it.

MILES: No. It's too late. I know it is.

RUSS: Something will happen. I know it will.

TO BE CONTINUED...