Pet Tamers, Episode 5

It's been a long month without Pet Tamers, but here's another one to satisfy the story-hungry:

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 5: Long Division

FADE IN and ZOOM to PETE's house. PETE is playing video games in his filthy room. Clothes lie scattered on the floor, drape from the ceiling fan, and hang by thumb-tacks to the wall. Half-eaten food and old dishes lie on the bed, the desk, and the floor. Pete's backpack hangs limp on the bedpost.

The doorbell rings.

PETE'S MOTHER (offscreen, distant): Pete, could you get the door?

PETE (shouts): I'm busy!

PETE'S MOTHER (offscreen, distant): Pete, please? I'm busy!

PETE (shouts): In a minute!

(PETE continues playing his game. JASON enters the bedroom)

JASON: Hey, Pete. No one was at the door, so I walked in. (looks around) Is this your room?

PETE: Yeah, make yourself comfortable.

JASON: Anyway, Pete, I have something to tell you.

PETE: Hold on. (pauses the game, which is revealed to be some kind of Space Invaders clone) Yeah?

JASON: You know the old scientist who gave us our pets? Well, he wants us to visit his lab this afternoon. He's got something to tell us about our pets.

PETE: Yeah, okay.

JASON: By the way, where's your hamster Baldwin?

PETE: Probably in my backpack.

JASON (opening the backpack) Baldwin? Are you in here? Oh my gosh, Baldwin! (scooping up a sick hamster) Have you been taking care of him?

PETE: Well, maybe. I don't really know much about hamsters.

JASON: What have you been feeding him?

PETE: Food. Whatever's lying around. (looks around) I think he may have eaten some pizza.

JASON: Has he been getting exercise?

PETE: Well, I used to let him out, but then he started hiding and chewing stuff, so I just leave him in the backpack.

JASON: My goodness, we've got to get him to a vet!

CUT to a veterinarian's office. JASON and PETE sit on a bench, with PETE holding BALDWIN. The VET, a beautiful buxom blonde woman, enters.

PETE: Whoa.

VET (in a sultry voice): I heard your hamster is in... trouble.

PETE: Uh...

JASON: Yes, he is, ma'am. Can you help him for us?

VET: For you, I'll do anything.

PETE (to JASON): What's the name of this place?

JASON: Why, it's just our friendly neighborhood veterinarian's office. And Miss Lilac, our veterinarian, can teach us all about proper care for hamsters.

PETE: Oh, please don't talk to the wall again...

GUITAR RIFF plays as a giant, colorful logo reading "PET TAMERS' PET TIPS" flies over the screen. CIRCLE TRANSITION to JASON and MISS LILAC, with BALDWIN sitting on the table, looking unexpectedly healthy.

JASON (in a cutesy authoritative voice): Hamsters are active little critters who require special attention and care.

MISS LILAC (in a serious tone): Their diet is important. Though hamsters can eat many foods that people commonly eat, there are some foods like cheese and salt that are unhealthy to hamsters, and do not contain their essential nutrients.

JASON: Instead of feeding table scraps to your hamster, buy hamster food at your local pet store. It will guarantee that your hamster is well-fed and gets their vital nutrients.

PETE (peeking in): Uh... um... yeah.

MISS LILAC: When choosing a home for your hamster, use a large glass container, a wire cage, or a plastic container. Avoid containers made of soft materials like wood or cardboard, as hamsters can chew through them.

JASON: There are two things that every hamster loves to do: run and chew. Stock your hamster home with an exercise wheel and a block of wood to satisfy both of his desires.

PETE: But, uh... I mean, what time did that scientist...

MISS LILAC: Layer the home with shredded paper to provide a soft bedding. Avoid cotton balls and cedar chips, as these can be dangerous to a hamster's health.

JASON: Last, but not least, hang a small water bottle with a drinking tube on the side.

PETE: Uh, I'm heading out... you two finish... whatever.

JASON: Keep it filled regularly, or your hamster will surely be unhappy.

MISS LILAC (resuming her sultry voice): And give it lots of love and... attention.

CUT to the SCIENTIST'S LAB. MAGGIE, CHRIS, and SHANA are already there. PETE arrives.

MAGGIE: Hey, Pete's here! Where have you been?

PETE: Dropping off my hamster. It wasn't feeling too well.

CHRIS: Where's Jason?

PETE: Uh, he's doing another public-service announcement.

CHRIS: He's doing a lot of those, isn't he? And he was speaking to the wall, again?

PETE: With the vet.

SHANA: I would really like to do a service announcement. I could say something about the value of public transportation.

CHRIS: Isn't it strange how everyone acts like there's a camera everywhere? (looks directly at camera) It's like someone's watching us...

SCIENTIST (sudden appearance): Ah, finally, now there's four of you! But where's that tall, handsome one?

CHRIS: He's busy and can't come.

SCIENTIST: Oh, well. Four of you will be enough.

MAGGIE: Enough for what?

SCIENTIST: Come back this way. I have something to show you.

The five of them walk through a small, out-of-the-way door, leading downwards into a dark tunnel. The walls are made of dirt, with blazing torches affixed to the wall. The sounds of dripping liquids and rats can be heard.

CHRIS: Why is this...

MAGGIE: Shh!

The SCIENTIST leads them down into a dust-covered lab that vaguely looks like a tomb. The SCIENTIST steps up to a projector.

SCIENTIST: Children... Giving you the role as Pet Tamers has been my life's purpose for years. But it is just the beginning. The Earth is being threatened by a powerful force, one that threatens all existence.

CHRIS: Look, old guy... first you give us magic whistles that turn hamsters into bears, and now the world is in danger? Are there going to be giant robots, too?

MAGGIE: Shush!

SCIENTIST: I have been researching this threat for a long time, developing the whistle technology on the way. Be warned, Pet Tamers; this technology can be used for good and for evil. Fortunately, you--

CHRIS: Okay, this is getting boring again. Just get to the important stuff, already.

MAGGIE: Quiet!

SCIENTIST: You will not be alone. There is a young, brilliant student of mine, working at Green Peaceful Industries. Her name is Tricia Voigt.

CHRIS: Voigt? That's unusual.

MAGGIE: Cut that out! No one thinks you're funny, so be quiet!

CHRIS (slightly bitter): Fine, sorry.

SCIENTIST: She works in the research and development section on a top-secret project that only she and I know about. Talk to her about it, and tell her I, Eno, sent you!

CHRIS (in a low voice): I should have known he would have a weird name.

MAGGIE (furiously): What the f-

JASON (suddenly opening the door and shouting across the room): Hey guys! I'm sorry I'm late! Did I miss something?

MAGGIE (turning on JASON): And you're as bad as he is!

JASON: What? I'm sorry, is something wrong?

SHANA: Maggie, no, please...

MAGGIE: No! What is wrong with you people? All this sarcasm and interruptions, and secret missions! Why can't anyone talk normally for once?!

JASON: Maggie, please. Let's calm down and talk about what's bothering you.

MAGGIE: Oh, shut up. I'm getting really tired of your pep talks and being so concerned about me! Just leave me alone!

(a few tense moments)

JASON: You can leave, if you like.

MAGGIE (tersely): I'll just wait it out, thanks.

CHRIS: Oh, great job, Jason. Now you made her cry.

MAGGIE: Shut up, all of you. You're all jerks!

PETE: Um, for the record, I didn't do anything.

SCIENTIST: Er, with that, I'll let you go.

Everyone silently walks up the dark, dirty corridor.

CUT to the BLACK HOUSE.

COP 1: Well, well. We may not have found the elusive Blackcoat Gang, but we did find two members of the Mallard Family.

COP 2: We've been looking for you for a while. Hopefully you'll answer our questions.

GANGSTER 1: You don't understand! We're just hostages! We're innocent!

GANGSTER 2: You can't prove we did anything! It was the Blackcoats who did it! They know more than we do! Let us go!

COP 2: Now, now. We'll get everything sorted out at the station. If you really are innocent, and we do not have your face in our criminal records of the Mallard Family, then we will let you go. Only if, though.

GANGSTER 2: This is larceny! When we get free, I'll sue you all for larceny!

GANGSTER 1: Do you even know what larceny is?

GANGSTER 2: No, but it sounds like the sort of thing cops do to innocent civilians.

GANGSTER 1: No, you're thinking of police brutality.

GANGSTER 2: Yeah, that's right. I'll sue you for that, too!

In spite of their protests, the GANGSTERS are pushed into the cop car, which leaves into a sunset that has suddenly appeared. Actually, it is suddenly dusk, and everything has an orangish tint. Isn't that funny? Everything is orange. I can't believe I missed that. Ha ha.

(Author's note: Yes, that's satirical. If this was a screenplay, that would actually be what's written there. It's not clumsy writing. Just to clear that up.)