Pet Tamers, Episode 8

Authors will generally tell aspiring writers the exact same rules: write well, write often, write with a passion, and rewrite just as passionately. Now, although I've been told I write well (mostly by people who love me), and I write more frequently than anyone in my immediate family (I've checked; my sister comes close, though), and I do generally enjoy writing on a blog, I just don't rewrite well. Louis Sacher says rewriting is the key to good writing, but I enjoy the spontaneity of my work, and I think that my thoughts generally receive enough stewing time before being recorded. In my more "private" works, I'll spend more time rewriting, but for a serial parody of dumb kids' shows, good writing is not the point (which actually is the point). Also, since I do a lot of rewriting in most every work of writing I make, and a lot of regretting in every work that isn't rewritten, I think rewriting has grown on me. So, long intro over, it's time for:

PET TAMERS

EPISODE 8: Pass Key

EVENING, IN SOMEONE'S CAR. LET'S SAY JASON'S.

JASON: We're almost there.

CHRIS: I still don't want to be here.

JASON: Once we get to Green Peaceful Industries, we need to find Tricia Voigt and ask her to help us. We need allies.

CHRIS: This is pointless. We should've just called the cops.

JASON: The cops are busy. But it's as the gangsters said: they're going someplace where no one can ever find them.

CHRIS: So why are we asking Tricia for help?

JASON: Because my gut intuition tells me that whatever top-secret project she is working on, it will help us find the gangsters and free our friends!

CHRIS: That would be such a huge coincidence.

JASON: Don't worry, Chris, old buddy. We'll find them.

CHRIS: Don't call me "buddy". Ever.

The car arrives in front of the headquarters of Green Peaceful Industries.

FADE to the interior of Green Peaceful Industries. All of the workers wear bright, colorful clothing and cheery smiles. The lobby is filled with natural plants, waterfalls, and rain forest sound effects.

CHRIS: What kind of business is this?

Jason ignores the question and turns to the receptionist.

JASON: Excuse me, ma'am. Can you tell me where Tricia Voigt's office is?

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, go head down that hallway over there; it will be the second-to-last door on the right. Have a nice day.

CHRIS: That's it? You're not even going to ask if we have an appointment?

RECEPTIONIST: We at Green Peaceful Industries have time for all visitors.

CHRIS: Don't you do any work here? What gets done here?

JASON: Come on, Chris. Let's not waste any more time.

CHRIS: But I have absolutely no idea what's going on here!

Chris reluctantly follows Jason down the hallway.

Meanwhile, in a PRISON CELL, the two gangsters Russ and Miles sleep in their cell.

Miles shifts in his cot slightly, then opens his eyes. A noise is coming from the floor.

He groggily bends over, puts his head to the floor, and jumps back when the tip of a pickaxe pierces through the floor.

MILES: What the-

The hole gets bigger, about the size of a quarter. A voice whispers:

VOICE: Hey, you. I'm getting you out.

MILES: You... you are?

VOICE: Yeah. Get your friend up as quietly as you can while I get this hole bigger.

Miles tiptoes to Russ's cot, and nudges him slightly.

MILES: Hey, Russ. Wake up. Someone's here.

RUSS (loudly): Don't just stand there, get them!

MILES: No, quiet, Russ! Someone's here to free us!

RUSS (louder): Why, those stupid kids! They had to leave us behind!

MILES: Wake up, you stupid fool! Be quiet!

RUSS: Huh? What? Where am I? Stop touching me, Miles! You can do that in your own time.

MILES: Someone's breaking us out.

RUSS: They are? ... Well, I told you something would happen.

The hole is now fairly wide, but the mysterious helper has not revealed himself.

VOICE: Come on, hurry before the guards notice.

INSIDE THE HOLE, it is still dark. The SHADOWY FIGURE stands to the side, while the dark figure of MILES appears from above.

MILES: Oof!

VOICE: Careful!

MILES: I can't see a thing!

VOICE: Just follow my voice.

RUSS lands beside MILES.

MILES: Why are you helping us? Who are you?

VOICE: I am your friend. The Mallards know you betrayed them. You'll need all the friends you can get.

MILES: You know we are members of the Mallards?

VOICE: "Were" members. Come, and I will explain everything.

RUSS and MILES follow the VOICE.

INSIDE the HALLWAY of GREEN PEACEFUL INDUSTRIES:

CHRIS: See, that's where I'm confused. We couldn't have visited that scientist before you attacked those gangsters, because nobody had any idea what I was talking about. But we couldn't have visited him afterwards, because nobody besides us could have visited him.

JASON: You do a lot of frivolous thinking. Do you know what "frivolous" means?

CHRIS: Yes, I know what "frivolous" means. I am a high-schooler, you know.

JASON (stopping): Here we are.

A name plate on the door reads "Tricia Voigt".

JASON: Tricia Voigt.

CHRIS: Thanks, I can read just fine.

JASON opens the door, which echoes ominously in the pitch-black empty room.

CHRIS: You should knock first.

JASON: Hello? Ms. Voigt?

There is no reply, though the sounds of typing echo from within the room.

CHRIS: Excuse us, ma'am, do you mind if we turn on the lights?

JASON (entering): Tricia?

CHRIS: I think she would have heard us the first time. She's probably not in.

JASON continues into the room, and CHRIS helplessly follows.

They enter the darkness, footsteps echoing in the dark, and typing growing louder.

PAN across the room to reveal a small patch of light from a computer screen. ZOOM in on the screen, and a dark figure sitting in front of it becomes apparent.

JASON: Tricia?

FIGURE: Hmm?

The FIGURE turns in her seat, dramatic lighting awash her face.

FIGURE: Oh, sorry.

The FIGURE turns on a nearby light switch, revealing that the expansive room was really no more than 10 feet long, and is in fact an ordinary office.

TRICIA: I was just playing on the computer; I prefer playing in the dark. Sorry I didn't hear you come in, I just can't figure out what to do with these cards.

JASON: So you're Tricia Voigt?

TRICIA: Yes?

JASON: Did you know a scientist named Eno?

TRICIA: Eno? Eno, Eno. No, no Eno.

JASON: He told us you were working on a top-secret project for Green Peaceful Industries.

TRICIA: Then I suppose you wouldn't be surprised if I said I had no idea what you were talking about?

JASON: No, it's all...

CHRIS: Ha ha, I see what you did there. Come on, Jason, she's not going to tell us. Let's leave her alone.

JASON: You were a student of us. He was the one who gave us these whistles!

TRICIA: Whistles?

CHRIS: Oh, dear. You just have to drag her into it.

JASON: We're the Pet Tamers. Well, two of them. Our job is to--

CHRIS (interrupting): Can I hide in the corner and pretend I don't exist for a few minutes?

JASON (con't): --save the world by blowing into these special whistles and turn our pets into super-powered champions!

TRICIA (placidly): Really?

JASON: Yes, really. Do you know what "placidly" means?

TRICIA: ... What?

JASON: Because you said that rather placidly.

TRICIA: Oh. Well, not only do I not believe you, however much it would make sense given the recent disasters and sightings throughout town, but I have also never heard of Eno or scientists making whistles.

JASON: But you have to believe us! And you have to help us get our friends back!

TRICIA: I don't even know who you are.

JASON: I'm Jason. And this is Chris.

TRICIA: Last names?

JASON: Oh, they're not important.

TRICIA: Well then.

JASON: No, they were never important. Our last names wouldn't have any meaning to you or to anyone.

TRICIA: If you say so.

JASON: All right then. My name is Jason Key. And over there is Chris Smith.

CHRIS: My last name is Jackson.

JASON: Well, now it's Smith. So will you help us, Tricia?

TRICIA: Look, I appreciate your interest in me, but I'm not interested.

JASON: Okay then. Let's go, Chris.

CHRIS: What, you're not going to shake her down?

JASON: She'll join us later.

CHRIS: You say that so calmly, so resolvedly.

JASON: You mean, placidly. Do you know what "placidly" means?

CHRIS: Oh, shut up.

MEANWHILE, at A WAREHOUSE far from the prison, the strange FIGURE emerges, remaining in silhouette. RUSS and MILES walk out, looking around for danger.

FIGURE: My advice for you: find out where the Mallards are staying, and then stay as far away from that place as possible. Change your identities if needed. Most importantly, get someone to protect you.

MILES: You haven't told us who you are, and why you're helping us.

FIGURE: I am a friend. That is all you need to know.

RUSS: We need to know who you're working for, or at the very least some assurance that this is not a trap.

FIGURE: I'm afraid I can't give you either. But I can tell you where to go for now.

RUSS: Where?

FIGURE: The airport, tomorrow at half past ten. Dress properly. Until we meet again, gentlemen.

MILES: Wait! Even if you can't tell us your name, can you give us something we can call you?

FIGURE: You can call me X.

RUSS: X?

FIGURE: Deus X.

The FIGURE bounds away into the encroaching night.

Mal and Belle: Wake-Up Call

So, we left off with Mal and Belle sleeping, after their first day.

Around 2 AM, Mal wakes up, even though he is still tired. In spite of common sense, Sims can't sleep on the sofa; the best they can do is nap for 3 hours.

After waking, Mal decides to have a midnight snack.

After that, he decides to get back to reading that romance novel. Mal doesn't feel quite as uncomfortable, now that Belle isn't watching him.

Ho ho, he's in for a surprise.

Belle comes walking in like she's possessed, sits in front of the TV, and starts watching a nature show. Mal puts his book away in great annoyance. Can't a guy just be left alone to read a book?

Eventually, sleep catches up with him, just as day breaks.

So he heads off to bed, grouchy and discontent.

Meanwhile, Belle wants to work on her charisma skill, so she can charm everyone in Congress. She starts working on her serious poses...

... and her innocent poses.

And when the carpool pulls up and honks her, she's off in a flash.

For she has a dream. A dream to unite the town, to end injustice, bring hope to mankind...

 

... to hold a beacon of light to peoples of all nations, creeds, and dress colors, to give everyone a chance to succeed...

... and most importantly, for everyone to be her closest, bestest friend!

And so, daringly, she enters the courthouse, destiny approaching her.

Wait! There's nothing in the courthouse! It's just an empty building! Ha ha ha! You just got suckered, Belle!

Talent? Success? No way

I come up with a lot of great quotes, mighty sayings that I want to get out to the world. I think other writers must save their quotes until they can wrangle them into their essays or short stories in a way that doesn't make them conspicuous.

So, I was wondering about the correlation between talent and success, came across a blog post about whether talent matters, and I thought:

People forget that the world is not run by God, but by other people, and that talent is not a gift from God, but a label. Talent is a way of saying someone else is different; that's all it is.

Fad in, fad out

Well, results reveal that my YTMND is slowly creeping across the Internet, mostly by seeping through Twitter and forums. I'm betting once the week closes, and "Frodo jumps on it" gets removed from "TOP RATED THIS WEEK" on the main page, viewership will die off, and it will fade into everyone's memory.

And NO, people are NOT downvoting this; it is STILL at 4.7, and is more than likely going to retain its place in the top 2 or 3 pages of top rated YTMNDs of all time. For that reason, I'm going to predict that it's going to not be a fad, ever. Allow me to explain with my unpatented, unproven, and uncopyrighted explanation on how fads work:

Basically, a fad has to inspire people to mimic it. They must revel in it, and want to revel in it; it has to be funny, and be open-ended. Let me unnecessarily expand upon this with a metaphoric model: the Hook, Line, and Sinker model.

1. Hook: This is the level of intrigue and interest. Anything that's funny usually has a hook, being the punch-line, but anything that appeals to an audience can be a hook. For example, it's not expressly stated as a fad, but a lot of sites deal with familiar kid-friendly characters and giving them a lewd slant. The sex is the hook. Indeed, a lot of fads involve sex in some way, even when they're unfunny. That's the hook at work.

2. Line: This is the potential for being expanded upon. If there's a situation that can only be framed in one context, or if there's no possibility of adding to the original, then no one will add anything new -- no one will follow the line. If a fad has no Hook in it, then it's a forced fad; no one was intrigued by it, but the line has been drawn out. If a fad has no Line in it, then it can't even be called a fad; the meat on the Hook will just spread out and dissipate. Literally, a lack of context the fad can wrap around.

3. Sinker: It must be possible to top the original. If the original was awesome or perfect, then no one will want to imitate it, for fear of looking like a wannabe. If the original was just good, but not awesome, than it will feasible for someone to try and top it. They might fail, but there's always the possibility, right?

I may have to revise it a bit, seeing as how the current 4-chan Max fad started with a highly-rated site.

Now, if you landed on this site because you were excitedly looking for more info on frodojumpsonit.ytmnd.com, let me reward you for coming here with these exclusive jumping Frodo avatars:

50x50 75x75   100x100

What's up, YTMND?

Well, yesterday, I mentioned that I posted something to YTMND.com. Its ranking was around 4.7, and I expected it to drop even lower.

Well, no. It's stayed there. It once got down to 4.6, but now it's recovered. I was not prepared for that. By the end of the day, it's had 4000 views, 237 votes, and 75 favs. It went off the "Up and Coming" list still in second place, and still resides on second place in the Top Rated This Week (first place is a site revealing the "illicit" practices of the website's founder, and is currently the highest-rated site in the history of YTMND; unlucky timing on my part).

Well, a Google search reveals that, no, my blog is NOT one of the search results of "Frodo jump on it" (but it will now! heh heh heh). But so far, the results show that it's popped up on a Twitter account, the signature of a forum user, and Buzzfeed.com.

Now, it's also been something of a goal of mine to make something that reaches a sizeable popularity on the Internet. For the record, yes, it was partly my intention for other people to make spinoffs ("fads" in YTMND lingo) of it. It wasn't that hard for me to make, and it's pretty catchy. Right now, though, I'm a tad concerned. If my site is THIS good, then no one will want to make a spin-off and look like some attention-crazed wannabe. I mean, the both of the original Brian Peppers sites were just a picture with music (and text) on it, both garnering a rating of 4 out of 5, offering (practically inviting) others to beat that score.

But if my site stays at 4.7, then no one will attempt to best it, and it will just die. No fad. No fun.

Well, I'll throw in another update on it tomorrow. I've been spending the past day or two on YTMND, anyway, so I may as well let you in on what I've been doing. Even though I'm not doing anything.

Jump On It

Well, okay. I haven't even touched this blog since Saturday. Hey, at least I have the decency to tell you. Truth is, I've been doing things on other websites. Which websites? Well...

You may remember that on Saturday I posted a GIF of Gandalf rocking his head back and forth. I was going to use it for ytmnd.com. Well, I just made a better one.

So far, it's hovering around 4.7 out of 5. I'm waiting for the downvoters to smash it to bits. But even if it does take a nosedive, it's still the highest voted YTMND I've made so far.

The Further Adventures of Par Farthing

As I promised yesterday, Par Farthing!

6 - Par begins his fantastic journey

Par: Great. Now that I'm no longer in the navy, I've got to walk all the way back home, wearing this orange jumpsuit. Couldn't the police have given me something better to wear? It smells awful. Did someone throw up on this? Boy, I'm hungry. They didn't feed me at the police station. I'll eat at this diner coming up.
(in diner) 'Scuse me, could I have something to eat?
Waiter: (gasp) There's an escapee here!!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

7 - Par's fantastic journey, part 2

Par: Great. They drove me all the way back to the police station, said they were sorry for the mixup, and threw back out without feeding or changing me out of this jumpsuit. What is this stain, anyway? It smells like someone was drooling on it. Oh well, I'll try some other place to eat. I'll try that fast-food restaurant.
(enters restaurant)
Cashier: Ahhhh!!! Robber!
(police lead Par into police car)

8 - Par's fantastic journey, part 3

Par: Great. They drove me back, said they were sorry, and threw me out again without feeding me or finding something else for me to wear. What's this in my pocket? It looks like a dead fly with its head chewed off. Anyways, I won't go someplace as formal as a restaurant. I'll head over to the market and buy food there.
(in market) Excuse me, could I have these oranges?
Marketer: Do you have any money?
Par: Oh, no. I forgot I needed that.
Marketer: Shoplifter!!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

9 - Par's fantastic journey, part 4

Par: Okay, let's try this again. First, I'll go the ATM machine and withdraw some money.
ATM: PLEASE INSERT YOUR BANK CARD.
Par: Rats, my bank card was totally stolen by that robber! I'll have to go inside and make a withdrawal.
(in bank) Excuse me, could I make a withdrawal?
Teller: Here, take everything! Just don't hurt us!
Par: Hurt you? I wouldn't
Teller (on phone): Bank robber!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

10 - Par's fantastic journey, part 5

Par: Why do the police keep arresting me, and throwing me out without giving me any money, food, or better clothing? The underside of this jumper is so thin, it's like someone's been rubbing their bottom on it. Seriously, I'm starving right now. I need something to eat right now. Say, (looks at garden) those tomatoes look ripe. I'll just casually walk by and then quickly grab one. (casually walks up, then quickly leans over)
Housewife: Burglar!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

11 - Par's fantastic journey, part 6

Par: I wish they would just keep me in prison, even if I have to wear these clothes. At least I'd get fed. I need something else to wear. Anything to keep people from thinking I'm a robber. Hey, what's that in someone's trash can? It's a blanket! It makes me look like a beggar, but that's better than looking like a robber. This is some strange fabric, though. It's smooth, almost silky. I know I've seen these colors before. What does it remind me of?
(the American flag)
Passerby: He's wearing the flag!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)

12 - Par's fantastic journey, part 7

Par: It's hopeless. I'll never get any food or money. I can't do anything except sit here and starve.
Priest: Oh, poor man. No matter what your crime has been in the past, no man deserves such treatment. Here, have some of my bread, and some money to help you.
Par: I-I can't believe it! Someone's finally shown mercy to me! Someone's actually helping me out! Perhaps there's hope after all! Thank you, mister! You've given me something to believe in!
(Par jumps for joy, rips the thin backside of his jumpsuit, exposing his naked bum)
Passerby: Public flasher!!!!
(police lead Par into police car)
Par: They already took my bread away...